Kermit Krab

Kermit Krab - 3 K

Part 2:  Life and Death

   Kermit Krab was proud to be alive.
Everyone could feel it.  Everyone knew that he was important...but no one yet knew why.
He quickly made his presence known in a very significant way.  He elected himself some sort of official representative of, and when Jaime picked up the Peep meme and ran with it, Kermit performed a important ceremony.

Subject:    Re: Voyager Fans Go *Peep* in the Night, sez Buford..
From: (Captain Infinity)
Date:       Sat, 22 Nov 1997
Message-ID: <347a280c.1327709@nntp.netcruiser>

In article <654lj1$>
De Castellvi Jaime M wrote :

>_Voyager_ "Caretaker" premieres...
>_Voyager_ returns for a second season...
>_Voyager_ makes it back for a third season...
>_Bodaceous Jeri Lee Ryan debuts as 7 of 9...
>*Peep*! - *Peep*! - *Peep*! - *Peep*! ...
>IMHO of course
>Buford the Mighty

Kermit the Krab says:
        (+)(+)        | I hereby present you with the |
         |  |   ,-----|    AFT-S Medal of Honor for   |
       /      \       |    Peeping Above and Beyond   |
 (  )  \ -==- /  (  ) |       the Call of Duty!       |
   \    \    /    /   `~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~'
    \  <\/\/\/>  /
     '-/      \-'                  _______________
   ,--/        \--                |****|     |####|
  / --|        |-- \              |****|     |####|
 / / --\      /-- \ \             |****|     |####|
()/ / --`----'-- \ \()            \****|     |####/
 ()/ /          \ \()              \***|     |###/
  ()/            \()                `**|_____|##'
   ()            ()   C.I.               (O)
                                    .'  * * *  `.
                                   :  *       *  :
                                  : ~  A F T-S  ~ :
                                  : ~ A W A R D ~ :
                                   :  *       *  :
                              jgs   `.  * * *  .'

Captain Infinity
 ...Medal designed by the awesome Joan "Spunk" Stark (with a change to
the text enclosed.  Also, I replaced the character @ with *, purely
for personal reasons.)  See more of Joan's incredible ascii artwork at

As you can see, Kermit Krab is fully formed here.  His fifth set of Klaws is in place.
He is clearly identifiying himself with
The fact that he is presenting a Medal of Honor for Peeping shows that he, himself, holds a high place in the heirarchy of AFT-S memes.

Sadly, though, this post was followed shortly after by this:

Subject:    Re: too bad (was "SLIDERS/Turtledove Information")
From: (Captain Infinity)
Date:       Tue, 02 Dec 1997
Message-ID: <34875beb.8205033@nntp.netcruiser>

In article <65vg4c$ra5$>
ABC@DEF.GHI (James Boe) wrote :

>Names are included in this   | `   `  `      `     `
>posting to the newsgroup,    |   `    %^**`%  `  `   `
>, for purposes |  `    %^*`%%^*`%  `   `
>of proper attributing quoted |   ~*#%^`. * .`^%#*~
>material. To reach me via e- | ` (*(`\`*.\|/.*/)*)  `
>mail, replace the ABC with   |    (*(` -= o =- ) *) `
>jaboe, the DEF with nyx, and |  `  \* .*/|\`*. */
>the GHI with net. Why, you   |       \*  *  */   `
>ask?  Because Spam never     |   `    \`|||||'/   `
>rests.                       |    ` `  (X)(X)  ` 
>---------------------------- |          |  |   
                                       /      \
                                 (  )  \ -==- /  (  )
        OH NO !!!                  \    \    /    /
     YOUR CONVOLUTED                \  <\/\/\/>  / 
   EMAIL INSTRUCTIONS                '-/      \-'
         MADE                      ,--/        \--
     KERMIT KRAB'S                / --|        |-- \
    HEAD EXPLODE !!!             / / --\      /-- \ \
                                ()/ / --`----'-- \ \()
                                 ()/ /          \ \()
                                  ()/            \()
                                   ()            ()   C.I.

Another senseless usenet-related death.

Kermit, we hardly knew ye.

I'm crossposting this to alt.religion.reincarnation.
Perhaps they can think of a way to bring this beloved soul back to us.

Captain Infinity
 ...please send grasshoppers and mollusks in lieu of monetary donations

It seems unlikely that James Boe murdered Kermit Krab deliberately.
I believe that Kermit was just too young, too naive about Usenet, to be prepared for
the intricate spam-thwarting methods that some posters use.  In any event, for whatever reason,

Kermit Krab was dead.
Kermit, we hardly knew ye.

In response to this horrific turn of events, the AFT-S Irregulars would begin a new ritual:  weekly Wakes for our beloved mascot.
We would gather, sip Anti-Voyager Zombies and munch Krab Kakes (with Clam Dip) and discuss items of interest to us.
Kermit was gone, yes...but he lived on in our hearts and minds.
The first of the Wakes was announced in the following post:

Subject:    Re: Norman LOVES Xena for all the wrong reasons....
From: (Captain Infinity)
Date:       Tue, 02 Dec 1997
Message-ID: <348695f8.1816911@nntp.netcruiser>

In article <>
Plain and Simple Cronan wrote :

>Can anyone deny that this was a show designed for, by and around
>invisible, intangible, 3 inch, sadistic, blue elves? I think of much
>evidence of this:
>1) Leather
>2) Callisto
>3) Evil people with lisps
>4) Room for fanfic ranging form the inncoent to the pornoraphic
>5) Xena's portable can of whoop ass
>6) Leather
>7) Cheesy poofs
>As you can see this evidence is irrefutable and could, potentially,
>solve the problems of elves everywhere. 

Fascinating.  The situation has never been more clearly explained.

Although elveless myself ("myself"  heh heh there might be a pun there, no
there isn't, nevermind) I do have several leprous goblins living in my
maple trees.  I can see them now, through he window of my office, sitting
in the branches, shivering and peeling, waiting for me to log off and turn
on the TV.  Screw 'em.  Let 'em wait.  Serves 'em right for teasing my cat.

Anyway, I'd like to examine a few of your evidentiary offerings in more
detail, if that's all right with you.  And if it ain't, screw you too.

>3) Evil people with lisps

Please provide more detail.  Do all evil people have lisps?  Is everyone
with a lisp evil?  Does Cindy Brady really perform in porn movies?  Perhaps
you misspelled "Quisp", one of my favorite cereals when I was a kid.  I ate
a lot of Quisp, and I'm not bad, really, just the product of a rotten
neighborhood and a bad family situation.

>4) Room for fanfic ranging form the inncoent to the pornoraphic

Fascinating.  I know this must mean something.  It *almost* makes sense.
Perhaps if I were dyslexic it might snap into focus.

Please email translations for "ranging" and "inncoent".  Currently the only
word I truly understand is "pornoraphic" which is a term that describes
sexual rap music performed while drunk.  *hic* 

>5) Xena's portable can of whoop ass

Available at all whoop ass stores nationwide, now on sale!

>7) Cheesy poofs


poofs?  Are they telepathic?  Can they be found in the same aisle as the
peeps?  Do you have an ascii graphic of one?  (I tried making an ascii
graphic of a peep, but it wound up looking like a dog-turd with eyes.)


poof.  poof poof poof.

Hey!  I could get into this!

Captain Infinity, Cheesy Kamikaze Poof Squad
 ...the wake for Kermit Krab will be held this Saturday.
 ...bring your own dipping sauce.

Yes, I know the only mention of Kermit appears in the .sig, but it was a fun post anyway, wasn't it?
Plus, it includes the first mention of the Leprous Goblins that live in my maple trees.

Next, after I set off an alarm I was soon to regret, MQS gave a good description of one of these wakes.

Subject: Re: UPDATE on JMS IQ comments in YAHOO (The Writer speaks!)
From: (Terry L. Smith)
Date: Sun, 7 Dec 1997 23:13:31 GMT
Message-ID: <>
Organization: DarkStar Volunteer Pope  I mean Pipe-band

Captain Infinity *woke* me *up*,
and this is what he said:

: In article <66bovm$>
: David Stinson wrote :

: >In article <>,
: >   Ben Matterson wrote:

: >:David Stinson wrote:
: >:> 
: >:> In article <>, fordat wrote:
: >:>
: >:
: >:> Then simply don't trust him. But don't demand that OTHERS not trust him.
: >:> You've given no reasonable excuse why anyone should follow your lead. And
: >:> in fact, have detracted from anyone doing so by acting in a pathological
: >:> manner.
: >:
: >:One might say the same of your unfailing defense of the moderators in
: >:rastb5.mod. Though, to give you credit, you do seem a *tad* less extreme
: >:about your peeve than Ford, but no less relentless.
: >:
: >:(Whoops, sorry, I'm *still* not a doctor on TV.)
: >
: >Ben,
: >
: >There is a difference. I do a job that reuires me to look at the moderators 
: >actual work, so I see EXACTLY the dicussion between moderator and poster. 
: >Where I see a moderator make what I consider a wrong call, I say so to the 
: >moderator.
: >
: >In doing this, you might consider that I have more actual information 
: >regarding the process than those who are making the allegations about the 
: >moderators, including seeing the actual rejected posts. Having both sides to 
: >see does allow me to make an informed viewpoint.
: >
: >I don't demand that you agree with it, but I do expect you to consider it.
: >
: >:Peep!
: >
: >Peep!!

: Blackhawk!  Cover the door!   MQS, 

    ...ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz... *sppt*   honk   Wha....?   Wassat?  Wassat?
pttttht*ZORK*ttttht   Waddyawant?  

Oh...  hi, David.    Watchadoon here?  You're late for the funeral.  There
might be some canapes in the Fridge, tho, 'n' maybe some of the coffee-
beer's left...  if you wanna look .....  zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ *purrrrr* ZZZZZZ...

: shut those damn dogs up, stop their barking,  

   .....ZZZZZzzz **snort**  sppppt   What's WITH THOSE DOGS?!
Shaddup!  Shaddup, you mutts!  How's a girly-girl supposed to get
any *sleep* with all that yapping going on?   Umph.  <gets
up from nest of pillows on feather-bed in the corner>  ...maybe
they're hungry...    
  Ah *SHOOT*!    !!!  WHO left the Krab Kakes
out?  You were *supposed* to put them in the Fridge.  NOW look.
Those dogs have eaten almost *all* of them, and left  canine tooth-
marks on the rest.    No *wonder* they're howling.  You'd have a
tummy-ache, too, it you'd eaten THAT many Kakes.   Poor dogs.  
Probably won't recover until next week's funeral.  (And I
want it *remembered* to put thoses canapes *away*, next time.)

Here.  <doses dogs with MAALOX(tm)>          *ronco*.  that was a
pretty nifty dream, too.   OH well. 

Awright.  I'm awake.  So what's goin on?
: we know about the intruder alert already!  Jaime, get the rest of
: the ammu....ah, nevermind, your damn newsserver won't show you this anyway.

What?  Jaime *left*?  When did he leave?  *rats*.  I had *plans*
for that young man... 

Hold on just a sec.  (Can somebody turn *off* that siren?  Those throbbing
[that's for you, JdeC] interference patterns it's making with the dog-
howls is giving me a headache.)    <grabs dogs, doses with Charcoal-
Caps.  on additional contemplation, also doses dogs with "Beano"(tm)>

Weeeeeee-eeeew.   Who would have ever thought that Krab Kakes would
make doggie f*rts smell *that*  *bad*...   

: I'll round up Heck, and the others and let them know that




: Hurry!  He's going one-on-one with Ben!
: Ben's still a rookie, he's gonna crack!


: Damn, we should have expected they'd make their move when we were most
: vulnerable...during Kermit's funeral.  Is there no respect for the dead and

* WHAT * ?

: This type of sacrilegious profanity will probably even outrage the POOFers.

 ** W H A T **  ???

: God, I'd hate to do it, but we may even need to call in the MEOWers.

Now stop *right* there.  That's *enough* of that.

 <assumes CAPTAIN MOMMA MOLLY! mode>

Lessee.   <reverses polarity of DustBuster(tm), turns Air-stream toward 
Madding Crowd, thinks better of it, since the Air-stream has a kaput
battery; turns Winnebago in direction of Madding Crowd, instead,
plugs in cord of DustBuster(tm) and *whooshes* away confetti, Krab
Kake bits, dog-hair, feathers, tiny hardened Super-glue fragments,
remains of Marvin the Martian(tm) costume, 42 Tau Ceti pfennigs,
shredded mouse-pad (poor wee sleekit, cowerin' beastie), shredded
*computer* mouse pad, bikini-top marked with squid-polyp smudges
(squid-polyp?  was U-NO-HOO here?), untold *thousands* of stray
letters that have fallen from USENET articles and email (AKA 
"cletters"), and various other bits of litter and rubbish,
some *quite* unspeakable,  only to discover.....

  ... as she *also* turns on the overhead light (and CASABLANCA Fan,
yes, Dear, you're *cute*, and I like CASABLANCA, too, but not right *now*,
Hon, I'm *busy*)  ...  >


Heck, David, Cap. In', and Ben, all rolled up in a Giant Human Siamese
Pretzel!!!   And *blinking* at the light...


: PP   PP   EE      EE      PP   PP   !!
: PP   PP   EE      EE      PP   PP   !!
: PPPPPP    EEEE    EEEE    PPPPPP    !!
: PP        EE      EE      PP        !!
: PP        EE      EE      PP
: PP        EEEEE   EEEEE   PP        !!

no kidding.


Hokay.  Leggo Dave's foot, Ben.  Please put down the Grey Puopon, 
heck.   David, what's in that bag you were about to whack Cap
in the chops with???      gimmie that.  Thenkyew...

Okay, that's what I *thought*.  Guys, I asked Dave to stop by with 
a few disgusting purole marshmallow *bunnies*,  *JUST* in case anyone
wanted some *sidecars* with their Anti-Voyager Zombies at the funeral.

THAT'S what set off the alarm.   I gave him the password *peep*, 
did you use it, David?  Yeh, I see he did...   But I forgot to warn y'all
about the bag-o-bunnies.   I'm sorry, fellas.
Wait.   *wait*....   What's *this*?   What's THIS you got in the bottom
of the bag, Dave?    WOW!!  YOu brought some marshmallow *snowmen*,
too!   *GREAT*!!   We can use those as *seasonal* side-cars.
Hey, Thanks!.    wow!  Thses snowmen are just like the ones I
brought to LosCon, and which BLACKHAWK could have *had* one of,
if he'd been a lert... (be a lert.  we need more lerts.)   *neat*.   

Hokay.  you all can all go back to your rasslin',  now.
Gee...   that's actually kinda....   *interesting*....

Hey.  HEY  *LisaB!    Franklin!   Jan(navoff)!   Lookie!   There's
a buncha  *cute*  *guys*  rasslin' over here.    Maybe we oughta *watch* 
this for a while.     ummmmmm.   Maybe we can get them to take
off their *shirts* while they rassle.    Mmmmmm   *yum*.

And when they get tired of *rasslin'*  we can have a  *Swing Dance*.

Yeah.  That's it.   That'll keep us going until *next* week's funeral.

(Except that I think I need a nap now.  *drat*.)    ......zzzzzZZZZZ

: ** 
: Captain Infinity, F.E.W., Kamikaze Peep Squad

 "WOW!  Where'd you get *that*?  That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
   - Sweet Young Thing at SF con

 " ... Please, Mr People-eater, Don't eat ME!"
    - Sheb Wooley

 - M.Q.S., "Official Bimbo" for Baltimore; (SCOoF)
   AKA  Commander C'mell, temporarily on assignment as 

   ^ ^
  >-x-<   ~~~ zzzZZZzzz~purrrrrrrr

  [ did  i  leave  any   threads    untied   ?  ]
| M.Q.S. c/o T.L.S   | "Don't play with that! You have no idea where |
| | it's been..."      -- Speaker to Elevators    |

The wakes would continue for a good long while.
All attempts to reincarnate Kermit Krab would fail until well into the next year.
To see some of these attempts, go to  Kermit Krab: Resurrection?
Or go to Kermit Krab: Rebirth

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