Subject:    Re: An admittance.
From: (Captain Infinity)
Date:       Fri, 16 Jul 1999
Message-ID: <>

Once Upon A Time In alt.ozdebate,
In article <>
Shadow wrote *some* of these things:

>   I am not really 'Shadow' or Russell Alexander,   that "person" is

a large black area behind Snufflupagus.  Yes, Snufflupagus' "Shadow" is

>really one of many creations of mine.   He never existed - except in my

bathtub on Tuesday nights.  REDRUM!  REDRUM!  I icepicked out my

>imagination and the imaginations of those who interacted with him.

>   Thirty six years old,  I am a retired English teacher living in

squalor.  I eat cat meat.  Raw.  My wife is a career Prison Guard in

>Ingleburn.  I am the proud father of a six year old son and a two year

old goldfish.  I have a deviated septum, a crusty philtrum, a nine year

>old daughter, and married to a loving woman.   The two year old is not

really a goldfish, he's a Siamese Piranha.  I bought him to give to 

>my biological daughter,  I can no longer father a child unfortunately.

>   Around two to three years ago,  because of the tense situation at the

High School (they wouldn't give me tenure, WAAAAAAAHHH!!)  Anyway, that

>time,  my testicles literally had to be amputated.  They had turned

into tiny, hard Cronans. Then, my wife had a stroke.  Soon she became

>completely black and had died,  the staff at the hospital said it was

my fault for inventing a Muppet shadow.  I talked the doc into giving me

>'testicular torsion',  where the testicles had somehow twisted and

shouted, much like that Beatles song "Come Together".  My ju-ju eyeballs

>obstructed the blood supply to the region.   I noticed pain in my testes

when I whacked them with a ruler.  Ouchies!  My wife whacked them too,

>prior to the colour change,  but male pride prevented me from

grabbing her wrist and wrestling the ruler away from her, or even from

>acknowledging the discomfort or seeking help.  Now I wish I had,  and

I wish I had whacked her back, or at least her front.  I most certainly

>hope that other men who read this do if it happens to them.  Apparently

muppets are evil, at least the enormous ones are.  Good muppets?  Well,

>it happens more than rarely.


>   Since I was no longer working, because of my less than voluntary

sterilization (when they cut away my blackened Cronans) I chose

>retirement from the teaching profession,  I had an abundance of time on

trial for breaking and entering.  So I touched all the evidence with

>my hands.   Since losing my testicles,  my nurturing side had somehow

thrown in the towel.  I was hidden in the closet, and I wanted to

>come out,  but this was to be a boon as I was able to rear both my

son and his young friends.  Bdump Bamp WOMP!  Yes, it's true...I love

>children with a passion while my wife supported the household.  She does

all the cooking and cleaning while I laze around.  My boyfriend does

>consultancy work,  and makes far more than I could in the teaching


>   In September I began a new approach,  started from scratch and a

prescription cream made the rash go away.  I used it to wash dishes and

>clean plate.   Using the generic title of an unknown person,  I began as

a counter girl at McDonalds.  I wore fake breasts, a wig, and eye

>'Shadow'.   His age and identity were unknown,  his gender obviously

ambiguous.  My upper torso was all woman, but the lump in my pants was

>masculine  - it all had to be invented as time went on.


>    I found 'Shadow' by far the most enjoyable character,  and as the

fame of Snufflupagus grew, so did my paycheck.  The hairy beast's

>character developed naturally I began to find it very easy to slip into

the costume with help from only one stagehand.  I made detailed lists of

>his character traits.  I became a slight bit obsessed with the

question of where his toilet was.  But I decided that pooping was out of

>character,  even feeling hurt when others fought with him and actually

demanded that he "keep off the lawn"!  I never could get started

>feeling genuine affection for those who became friends with 'Shadow'.


>    Because of my position in Ingleburn,  I was able to dial the

numbers of single women, to make obscene calls.  I bought a bottle of

>Campbelltown POP as a local call when I wanted to be Shadow,  and dial

soap helped with my incessant body odor.  But alas! I started drinking

>the Sydney POP when I was being my actual self (alas, a personality much

like a *real* shadow: dark and flat, two-dimensional and black, and

>more boring than my creations).


>   Over the time of being 'Shadow',  I inadvertantly became very fond of

Ramen Noodle Soup.  I'm now addicted to it.  I served it up at lunch to

>all of the people I interacted with as the character,   and even allowed

them to feed me when I was in costume.  NOT THAT END!  YAAAA!  I let

>myeslf to become disturbingly close with some of them.  But now I have

painted myself into a corner, and the zipper is stuck.  Yes, I just

>let it go too far,  I just got into it deeper and deeper,   inventing a

muppet shadow that eats noodle soup.  OH WOE, WOE IS ME!  I long for a

>life that never was,  creating internet account under his name,  and

a hairstyle that parts down the middle...OF MY BACK! 


>  It is very confounding,  and it must stop.



Captain Infinity

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