Subject: Re: An admittance. From: Infinity@world.std.com (Captain Infinity) Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.ozdebate,alt.religion.kibology Date: Fri, 16 Jul 1999 Message-ID: <firstname.lastname@example.org> Once Upon A Time In alt.ozdebate, In article <377C72BD.F1C7D4D3@punkass.com> Shadow wrote *some* of these things: > I am not really 'Shadow' or Russell Alexander, that "person" is a large black area behind Snufflupagus. Yes, Snufflupagus' "Shadow" is >really one of many creations of mine. He never existed - except in my bathtub on Tuesday nights. REDRUM! REDRUM! I icepicked out my >imagination and the imaginations of those who interacted with him. > > Thirty six years old, I am a retired English teacher living in squalor. I eat cat meat. Raw. My wife is a career Prison Guard in >Ingleburn. I am the proud father of a six year old son and a two year old goldfish. I have a deviated septum, a crusty philtrum, a nine year >old daughter, and married to a loving woman. The two year old is not really a goldfish, he's a Siamese Piranha. I bought him to give to >my biological daughter, I can no longer father a child unfortunately. > > Around two to three years ago, because of the tense situation at the High School (they wouldn't give me tenure, WAAAAAAAHHH!!) Anyway, that >time, my testicles literally had to be amputated. They had turned into tiny, hard Cronans. Then, my wife had a stroke. Soon she became >completely black and had died, the staff at the hospital said it was my fault for inventing a Muppet shadow. I talked the doc into giving me >'testicular torsion', where the testicles had somehow twisted and shouted, much like that Beatles song "Come Together". My ju-ju eyeballs >obstructed the blood supply to the region. I noticed pain in my testes when I whacked them with a ruler. Ouchies! My wife whacked them too, >prior to the colour change, but male pride prevented me from grabbing her wrist and wrestling the ruler away from her, or even from >acknowledging the discomfort or seeking help. Now I wish I had, and I wish I had whacked her back, or at least her front. I most certainly >hope that other men who read this do if it happens to them. Apparently muppets are evil, at least the enormous ones are. Good muppets? Well, >it happens more than rarely. THE END! > Since I was no longer working, because of my less than voluntary sterilization (when they cut away my blackened Cronans) I chose >retirement from the teaching profession, I had an abundance of time on trial for breaking and entering. So I touched all the evidence with >my hands. Since losing my testicles, my nurturing side had somehow thrown in the towel. I was hidden in the closet, and I wanted to >come out, but this was to be a boon as I was able to rear both my son and his young friends. Bdump Bamp WOMP! Yes, it's true...I love >children with a passion while my wife supported the household. She does all the cooking and cleaning while I laze around. My boyfriend does >consultancy work, and makes far more than I could in the teaching >profession. THE END! > In September I began a new approach, started from scratch and a prescription cream made the rash go away. I used it to wash dishes and >clean plate. Using the generic title of an unknown person, I began as a counter girl at McDonalds. I wore fake breasts, a wig, and eye >'Shadow'. His age and identity were unknown, his gender obviously ambiguous. My upper torso was all woman, but the lump in my pants was >masculine - it all had to be invented as time went on. THE END! > I found 'Shadow' by far the most enjoyable character, and as the fame of Snufflupagus grew, so did my paycheck. The hairy beast's >character developed naturally I began to find it very easy to slip into the costume with help from only one stagehand. I made detailed lists of >his character traits. I became a slight bit obsessed with the question of where his toilet was. But I decided that pooping was out of >character, even feeling hurt when others fought with him and actually demanded that he "keep off the lawn"! I never could get started >feeling genuine affection for those who became friends with 'Shadow'. THE END! > Because of my position in Ingleburn, I was able to dial the numbers of single women, to make obscene calls. I bought a bottle of >Campbelltown POP as a local call when I wanted to be Shadow, and dial soap helped with my incessant body odor. But alas! I started drinking >the Sydney POP when I was being my actual self (alas, a personality much like a *real* shadow: dark and flat, two-dimensional and black, and >more boring than my creations). THE END! > Over the time of being 'Shadow', I inadvertantly became very fond of Ramen Noodle Soup. I'm now addicted to it. I served it up at lunch to >all of the people I interacted with as the character, and even allowed them to feed me when I was in costume. NOT THAT END! YAAAA! I let >myeslf to become disturbingly close with some of them. But now I have painted myself into a corner, and the zipper is stuck. Yes, I just >let it go too far, I just got into it deeper and deeper, inventing a muppet shadow that eats noodle soup. OH WOE, WOE IS ME! I long for a >life that never was, creating internet account under his name, and a hairstyle that parts down the middle...OF MY BACK! THE END! > It is very confounding, and it must stop. ok. THE END! ** Captain Infinity
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