Subject:    Re: Ed Gein
From:       Captain Infinity
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Date:       Tue, 5 Sep 2000
Message-ID: <39b811c6.8192422@news-f.std.com>

Once Upon A Time,
In article <0505c030.73c038c8@usw-ex0106-044.remarq.com>
Bela wrote:

> A lot of years ago, Eddie Gein worked for my father and my mother as a
>handiman and gopher.

KILL ALL THE GOLFERS!

> You see, my mother was pregnant with me and my father

For want of a comma, context committed suicide.

> was a much in
>demand civil engineer who was away for weeks at a time. My mother

had HOT SEXX with the mailman, resulting in many paper cuts for both of
them.  Next time he'll leave the mailbag on the floor of the bedroom.

>wanted to raise me in a wholesome small town setting and for some
>strange reason settled on Plainsfield. So she got my father to buy her
>the biggest house in town ( their collective ego wouldn't settle for
>less ). A couple of weeks later, she realized that a big house like
>hers doesn't take care of itself so she badgered my father into getting
>her some help.

KILL ALL THE BADGERS!

> At that time, Eddie Gein was doing little chores and jobs all over
>town. He was introduced to my father by the old timers who hung out at
>the general store. Although my father was at times, a strict
>mean-spirited s.o.b., he paid well and that kept Eddie around the house
>raking leaves and shoveling snow and stuff.

I hate it when the driveway gets covered with stuff.  Snow is OK, I can
handle that, but stuff is a real killer.  It killed Sonny Bono, y'know.

KILL ALL THE SONNY BONOS!

> My father picked Eddie up at his farmhouse once in awhile. My father
>couldn't drive up to the farmhouse because Eddie didn't shovel out the
>little road leading to his home. So my father would just sit in the car
>and lean on the horn until Eddie came out and got in.

In or out, Eddie, make up your mind!  Were you born in a barn?!

> One time, my father saw what appeared to be a side of venison hanging

from his left nostril.  He wanted to tweeze it out, but his tweezers had
been stolen by Bessie, who had Mad Cow disease.  The insane heifer
tip-hooved into his bathroom and removed the sharp instrument from the
medicine cabinet.  She then slipped back into the barn and tried to kill
Roger the Horse by flinging the tweezers at him.  The sharply pointed
pluckers made a soft whizzing sound as they twirled through the air.
They missed Roger's head by half a mane hare and embedded themselves

>in the barn door. My father had little use for people, but he loved

watching them die in horrible agony.  He would strap them to slanted
tables and slide them beneath a giant magnifying-glass lens.  The
burning rays of the sun were concentrated to a single laser-like point,
which he delighted in running over their bodies.  He especially enjoyed
focusing the killing beam on their unprotected eyeballs, which would
burn and sizzle like overdone fried eggs.  In this way he made himself
feel superior to all other humans, whom he considered nothing more than

>animals, and when Eddie got into the car, my father slapped him around

a bit and bonked him on the head, yelling "Numbskull!  Why, I oughtta!
N'yuk n'yuk n'yuk!  Niagara Falls!  Slowly I turn!  Recede!"

>as if he was a bad little boy and warned him not to go hunting out of
>season ever again.

And that was the best episode of South Park EVER MADE!

> A few weeks later, my father is out of town.  He gets a call from my

For want of verbs of temporal stability, a sentence committed suicide.

>mother telling him that people are being murdered, the police are
>running around town with guns drawn and there's nobody to take the
>trash out.

One of these things is not like the other.
One of these things just doesn't belong.
Can you guess which thing is not like the other?
Before I finish my song?
Before I finish my song!

> So my father tells my mother to call a neighbor and to have him pick
>up Eddie at his farmhouse. In my father's opinion, Eddie was damn near
>worthless, but he was better than nothing. So my father hangs up and my
>mother calls the neighbor, and a hour or so later the neighbor shows up
>at my mother's front door. The neighbor is visibly shaken. Apparently
>when the neighbor pulled up to Eddie's farmhouse, every cop is
>Wisconsin was there. They were taking Eddie away and there were puddles
>of warm puke in the snow from the police officers who had gone into the
>farmhouse and had seen what Eddie had been up to.
> This maybe had something to do with my mother carrying me for eleven
>months, and not the usual nine.

Because, as we all know, the pheromones released by warm puke in snow
can delay uterine contractions for several months.

It's a scientific fact which I just made up!

> A few years ago, I had a chance to talk to the late author Robert
>Bloch at the 1993 Las Vegas Antiquarian and Used Book Fair. Mr. Bloch
>was the expert on Ed Gein and had used him as the model for Norman
>Bates for his novel Psycho. We talked for a little while and I asked
>him if Eddie ever went hunting.
> "No," said Mr. Bloch, "Ed liked animals."

Thank you for that interesting and illuminating report, Bela.  It was
very entertaining.  I give it a grade of 82 and a silver star.

** 
Captain Infinity
 ...P.S.  I like animals too.  mwuh huh huh haaaaa.


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