From: (Captain Infinity)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,
Date:       Mon, 29 Nov 1999
Message-ID: <>

Once Upon A Time,
In article <>
Sian Massey wrote *some* of these things:

>When I was about five, my mother stopped after school to speak to my teacher.  I
>was wearing a sleeveless dress, 

which was a strange thing for a five-year-old boy to be wearing.  My Mommy
was one of those odd ones you read about in the paperbacks you buy at Town
News, in the back of the shop behind the "Adults Only" curtain.  I waited,

>and while I waited for her I leant back against
>a radiator and spread my arms out along the top. A  wasp was behind the radiator

eating a salad.  He was upset because he only had oil for a dressing.  
"BOO HOO HOO" he cried,

>and stung me. My mother and the teacher put vinegar on the sting.  Since then I

always invite bees over when I make an Italian salad.  THEY'RE YUMMY, MUMMY!
Also, I

>have been afraid of wasps, and also of bees because they remind me of wasps and
>they sting too.
>But it hasn't stopped there.  I am also afraid of yellow and black stripes, the

taste of lettuce covered with oil, sleeveless dresses, my teachers, the

>smell of vinegar, and buzzing noises.  This affects me in unpredictable ways,

except when one of my teachers comes in buzzing while wearing a yellow and
black striped sleeveless dress made of oily lettuce.  *That* I can predict
every time.  But there are other things...

>for instance I can't watch the Grand Prix on television because of the buzzing,

my wife makes when I try to watch.  "Bzzz bzzz take out the trash bzzz bzzz
are you going to mow the lawn bzzz bzzz recharge my vibrator batteries bzzz
bzzz and so on, yeesh, what a pain in the ass!  She's almost as bad as the

>whiny noise the cars make, and I hate vinegar on fish and chips. If I worked

in a restaurant I'd serve the fish DRY! and the chips would be RUFFLES(tm)!

BWA HA HA HAAAAA!  I just made a misapprehension because I'm an American!!
Now I've totally lost control of this wackylace, even though I worked

>really hard at it, I could probably blame every problem I have ever had on being

born a male and forced to wear sleeveless dresses while waiting for the
special bus in the middle of winter.  No doubt you now wonder how I was

>stung by a wasp at the age of five.  I should count myself lucky that I'm not

making up even more bizarre stories, like that time I told the Guidance
Counselor that my father was a transsexual and my mother was a test tube.
That's a good one, it really made his eyebrows twitch.  Or how about the
time they showed me those Rorschach inkblots, and I claimed that I could see
polar bears juggling meatballs in every one.  "YOU KEEP SHOWING ME THE SAME
PICTURE!" I screamed, and "STOP NOT TOUCHING ME, DADDY!!!"  *That* got them
scribbling in their notebooks, I'll tell you.  Oh, and by the way, I am

>scared of radiators.

Captain Infinity
 ..."Somewhere, there lives a wasp who is completely traumatised by 
     the time he got trapped behind a radiator by a five-year-old
     girl, and had to sting his way out."  --Sian Massey

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