Subject:    Re: End of the road for SMTP?
From:       Captain Infinity
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes,alt.christnet,alt.culture.internet,
Date:       Sun, 03 Aug 2003
Message-ID: <>

Once Upon A Time "Jesus" wrote:

>more on the subject of Internet problems and the solutions proposed.
>let me say at the outset that I am a proponent of a completely new Internet
>designed from scratch.

I put a little cortisone on my internet and the itch goes away.

>:Simple Mail Transfer Protocol, or SMTP, assumes that you are who you say
>:you are.
>right here we have the problem in a nutshell.

No doubt you're an authority on nutshells.

>The Internet lacks an Internet directory.

A couple of years ago I bought the Internet Yellow Pages.  Doesn't that

> Every single Internet entity must
>be in the directory and in order to function, they must be authenticated by
>the username / password combination as well as biometrics (in the case of

Just people?  What about my cats?  And the robots they've built?

>Well I say the entire Internet needs an overhaul.

My internet got a oil change 3000 posts ago.  I'm not due again for
another three months.

> Every single person
>accessing the Internet must get a unique login. They must verify who they
>are in the country of origin by presenting themselves physically and
>providing identity papers. Biometric information must be obtained from them.

Will a simple cheek swab be enough or do I have to give blood?  Pee?

>Every piece of equipment on the Internet must be owned by a person or a
>company. Every company must be owned by people.

Sorry, all of my companies are owned by robots.  You know, the ones my

> Everything has to be tied to people who are held responsible.

Then the other end of the rope gets tied to cinder blocks, and those
responsible get dumped overboard into the Mississippi River.  That'll
teach 'em.

>every country which has access to this new Internet must sign off on an

I.O.U. payable to Captain Infinity on demand.  I charge $2,000.00 per

>Internet agreement which grants people certain rights. Since anonymity is

required, only folks with no fingerprints are allowed in.  All others are

>destroyed, any country which does not uphold basic human rights (such as the

right to eat fresh roadkill and the right to arm bears, but not the

>right to political or religious dissent) is automatically excluded from

running for public office in Loompaland.  Oompa Loompas will not be

>participating in this new Internet. Furthermore, they must also be

sexually active, and double-jointed.  Sixteen albino virgins will be

>completely isolated from the world in every sense - no travel into or out

of the Playboy Mansion, no sir.  Frankly, I don't know what I'm speaking

>of, no participation in the United Nations. They are pariah countries with

enormous circular highways, all curvey-twirvy, with no lefts or

>no rights and subject to invasion at any time.


No, wait...there's more:

>Just make it so that if a person wants to merely read the Internet, they
>don't need to identify themselves, but if they want to post content via any
>protocol, they immediately have to verify who they are with a username /
>password combination plus a biometric.

Yeesh, are you saying I'll have to pee in a cup every time I want to
download some clown pornography*?

>the biometric reading will give us a confidence level that they really are
>the person. it's a percentage chance that the person is who they claim to

HAH!  I'll just stock up on someone's else's pee in advance!  I'm sure a
thriving business will pop up as soon as this new internet goes online.
I might even sell my own pee on eBay!

>we have to decide what we want, not just
>for SMTP, but for the entire Internet. I'm broadening the scope of this
>article from merely looking at SMTP to include the entire Internet.

I've decided that what I want is an internet free from the presence of
people who post using the name of the Son of God.

Plus, a Fluffernutter.  I think I want a Fluffernutter, right now.  Yum!

>if you eliminate anonymity for content posters, you eliminate viruses, spam,
>child pornography and any other undesireable content. What is undesireable
>content? That is what we have to decide.

Your post has provided a very significant clue.

>The Internet is a commercial environment.  Some would still deny this

I deny ever denying this!  In fact, I deny every denying that I deny it!
I triple-dog-dare you to prove that I didn't!  Nyaah!

>it is possible to migrate to this new Internet over time. I suggest
>a period of ten years.

I have ten years, do I hear twenty?  Twenty?  I have twenty, from the
posters in alt.adjective.  Do I hear thirty?  Thirty?  Going once, twice,
SOLD! to all the insane posters in alt.adjective for twenty years.

>merely rejecting
>spam messages does not go far enough. spammers must be indentified and

FORCED! to read your posts all day long.

>is openness the reason the Internet has caught on?

I blame it on the Liberals.

>All that needs to be done is the ability to tie everyone to the content they
>post and then hold them responsible for it if it constitutes abuse.

One person's Spam is another person's solution to a small penis problem.

Captain Infinity the one your wife has.


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