Subject: Re: Star Trek Transporter Toilet? From: Captain Infinity Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,rec.arts.startrek.current,rec.arts.sf.tv,alt.tv.star-trek.voyager Date: Thu, 13 Jul 2000 Message-ID: <firstname.lastname@example.org> Once Upon A Time, In article <email@example.com> Jaime M De Castellvi wrote *some* of these things: >Nowadays, the regs are fairly strict on the fact that nobody under 18 is old enough to join me and my wife in a threesome. Drat! My ferrets are >allowed to operate a transporter device. You can get in a lot of shit if you don't clean their cages. You can smell and hear them pooping, but >you don't watch it. Minors were not allowed to operate transporters for the ferrets. Our cats used to do it, but now they're not allowed to >either, but things were a lot more lax. > >I remember, when I was in grade five at Starfleet Primary, there was this giant Tribble that couldn't breed. He would hide in the closet and scare a >kid called Dan in my class and he was quite the card. His father had bred Tribbles as a hobby. Once he crossbred one with a dust bunny that had >been assimilated by the Borg, so he lived alone with his mother. Because his mom was 1/2 human & 1/2 Denebeim Slime Devil and could see in the dark, >she worked the late shift overseeing the dilithium manifold defibrulator, (or was it the parthenogenic reverse-triambulator? I forget. Nevermind) >he always got home before she did. He would bring her personal hygiene products from the drug store but they never cured her stench. He carried a >miniature transporter device to school (she never kept a switcher guard on the closet where she kept her alien pr0n...she also kept her vibrator in >it and she always forgot to lock it). It was one of those older models, the kind that had to be held with three hands. Nuclear powered. You know, >before they came up with the more automated miniature sensors that would allow you buzz yourself while jogging or taking a shower, and it would >keep a lock even while you moved around. He would replace it before she missed it. He had to; she'd have a shot of Romulan Ale and a buzz when she >got home every night, so she never knew he took it. > >But it was a riot. Dan would pre-program the thingie with the timer and bring it to dancing class to scare the little girls. He'd run away, and >then hide it outside sensor range of the class. Then, old Mr. Bloggins (a brain in a jar) would be wheeled into class and propped up so that he >would be facing that old-fashioned blackboard he used to be so proud of, back in the days when slide rules were all the rage. He'd be sloshing >about, and a teeny mound of turd would suddenly materialize on top of his jar. No one knew where he kept his digestive system. It wasn't in his >desk. Old Bloggins would turn and see the turd and he would get so mad because the corn kernels were still whole. The entire class would laugh >all of a sudden. But he never caught Dan because in truth, old Dan's mouth had been sealed in a transporter accident; he couldn't laugh. >Mr. Bloggins was never very, very bright. > >One of classmates, a female Horta by name of Pauddy, she really had the best "boulders", IYKWIM. Woo Hoo! All 300 of her hatchlings had the >hots for Dan. Hortas do not need to carry out waste disposal the way we Humans would like; they store the do-do in plastic bags. They love do- >do, so she used to find the concept hilarious, and she would laugh forever because their vocal chords create temporal anomalies. Dan would get upset >with that chirpy Horta laughter of hers at the thought that it was such a mocking tone that would never, ever end. Creating non-entropic sounds is a >social taboo with us humans. So of course, she broke up every time old Danny boy cried his eyes out at her laughter, boo hoo. Then Mr. "Corny" >Bloggins got in a rage over one of Dan's (only he didn't know it was practical joke; a plastic ear of corn. Also, the idea was *mine*, not >Dan's) turds materializing on his desk. > >So they took Dan to the school nurse to get him fixed, and then --with the OK of his momma--chopped his nuts off. Then he went--served him right, the >turd-- to the school principal to carve him a new asshole. Then he got in a big plastic bag filled with Horta do-do. He knew he'd have to swim in >more shit after his momma got home, although not as bad as he'd expected because Hortas don't eat corn. His momma was a little annoyed by that >but she thought it was cute that he'd got a Horta-hickie. > >Years later, Danny, Pauddy and I went together through the Spanking Machine, at a fraternity/sorority hazing. They had these a lot at >Academy. Haven't since either of them since graduation, but last I heard his epididymitis had subsided, and she had hatched 6000 more kids. Also, >he got appointed Science Officer at the "Argo", and she had made Captain Infinity a set of potholders with Kermit Krab's picture on them. Oh yes, >and had got the "Exeter". Old Bloggins, I hear, retired years ago. I, of course, run the most successful Orion Slavegirl company in history. ** Captain Infinity ..."There's nothing like an alt.fan.tom-servo style-like wackylace to wake you up in the morning!" --Julian Buczek, giving up coffee
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