Subject: Captain Infinity's review of . . . Breakfast
From: Captain Infinity
Newsgroups: rec.travel.bed+breakfast,alt.fan.tom-servo,rec.arts.tv
Date: Thu, 26 Jul 2001
Message-ID: <3b602e1e.245581@news-f.std.com>
Today I decided to try something new for breakfast: Eggo Waf-fuls. Now,
if you haven't seen these, they're basically Eggo's regular waffles that
have been filled with some kind of flavoring. I had purchased a box of
maple Waf-fulls at the grocery store a few days ago. The store is
really pushing them; two-thirds of the waffle freezer case are filled
with these (and the other flavors, including blueberry). In fact, Eggo
waffles are the only brand my local grocery carries, a form of breakfast
discrimination I plan to protest, at least by shopping at other stores
if not by dropping a nasty note in the "suggestion box".
So anyway, I dropped a couple of these rather thick waffles into the
toaster, set a cup of water at 1:30 in the microwave oven, hit both
switches and went back upstairs to get Tappy. She had been reluctant to
get out of bed this morning but I'd be damned if I was going to make the
trip up there once I'd settled into my chair to eat and watch TV. So I
brought her downstairs and slid her out the door into the rain, which
was cooling off the world in a lovely and welcome manner after
yesterday's heat wave.
The Waf-fulls popped up and the oven dinged at about the same time. I
tossed one spoonful of Folgers Crystals and two of sugar into the hot
water, added some milk, and stirred. Flipped the Waf-fuls onto a plate,
picked up a fork and knife and everything else, and went into the Family
Room.
The TV was tuned to the "Screen Gems Network" which was showing the
first episode of Bewitched (mostly over by this time). I got to see
Samantha tease some woman who was coming on to Darren. Sam made her
sneeze, and tossed her hair in her face, and put something black on one
of her teeth, and unzipped her dress, and made a big wind blow her hair
extensions away. Ah, the days when TV plots were simple to write, where
have they gone?
I tried the Waf-fulls. They were Awf-full. I could have guessed.
The coffee was bad, too, because I had overestimated the cup capacity.
It wasn't my regular coffee cup I was using, the blue one that said
"Break Away Cafe, Chatham". I had added that one to my mug collection a
few days ago, because the dishwasher was wearing away the design. So
this morning I used a white one with a picture of some ducks on it that
said "Scott" underneath. Probably bought for me for my birthday at a
mall somewhere by some extended-relative. One of those mugs you'd never
buy for yourself but which looks good when you've been shopping for a
gift for an in-law and have no idea what to get them. "Hmmm, Scott
drinks coffee, doesn't he? He'll need a mug, then. Does he like ducks?
Oh well, no matter."
Anyway, the coffee was bad because I had added a "Chatham" amount of
crystals and sugar to the water instead of a "Scott" amount. These
things are *important*. Especially to the folks in alt.coffee, but I
won't crosspost this there because (unlike Mr. Hole) I dislike flame
wars, especially over stupid stuff like coffee or dog-walking.
By now "Bewitched" was over and the first episode of "I Dream Of
Jeannie" was starting. I liked it right away. Barbara Eden is
adorable, and I'll even give Larry Hagman some credit...I guess it
wasn't until later in the series that his obnoxious refusal to use his
genie in the correct manner got to be annoying. Early on it's cute,
even commendable because he is engaged to another woman, which kind of
explains why he is pushing this beautiful, sexy young lady away.
And he really has to push, because she is *all over* him. Kisses and
hugs, bouncing on the couch (bouncing!), all satin and silk and skin.
Yum. Much more delicious than the Awf-fulls. At one point she stands
on a table which is positioned in front of some sliding doors through
which the "sun" is shining...and her costume virtually disappears.
Quite a magical effect. Meanwhile she is proclaiming (for about the
hundredth time) that she will do "anything" for him...and he's still
fighting her off. Now I know what some of you are thinking, that
Captain Tony Nelson was really a gay homosexual and had a thing going
with Captain Roger Healy, and that his engagement to Doctor Bellows'
daughter was merely a beard.
You're probably right. And that would have made the show much funnier.
Imagine if, now, someone made a show where a gay guy gets a genie who
has the hots for him, and he constantly has to fight her off. Comedy
potential is enormous! Because those people are innately funny.
Genies, that is.
During the commercial break I went into the kitchen and heated up some
of the regular "homestyle" Eggo waffles, and covered them in a syrup
that contains 2% maple syrup. These were much better than the last, and
I am now wondering if I will ever eat the Awf-fulls again. Probably
when I run out of the regular.
I also had a glass of milk, to wash the taste of the coffee out of my
mouth. Unfortunately, this was whole milk, and I usually drink 1%. So
the taste of the milk was different enough to be called "bad" as well.
The morning of TV ended with Tony reluctantly giving in to one of
Jeannie's kisses, and then pushing her costume top up, allowing her
gorgeous breasts to slip gently out. He then lowered his face and
pressed it between her perfect white globes, inhaling deeply of her
exotic perfumes and the smell of her flesh. Picking her up in his arms,
he carried her to the divan. She blinked, and their clothes
disappeared. He kissed her again, and gently cupped her--
Whoops! Credits are rolling! Breakfast is over and Maury is on! I've
got to go. See you all soon!
By the way, if you're ever in Kingston Ontario, Canada, check out the
Secret Garden Bed and Breakfast. They make a 3-cheese omelette there
that will knock your socks off. Which is a good thing, especially if
you like having your socks knocked off.
**
Captain Infinity
..."You can make a man eat shredded cardboard...if you
know the right tricks." --Jeannie's sister, _I Dream Of Jeannie_
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