Subject:    Captain Infinity's review of Star Wars 2: Clones
From:       Captain Infinity
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.current-films,
Date:       Thu, 23 May 2002
Message-ID: <>

I went to the matinee show because I hate crowds.  No, that's not
entirely true.  I really went mid-day because I'm cheap and hate paying
$8.50 to watch images on a screen.  About 20 other people had the same
reason to be there.

The popcorn was warm and satisfying.  The root beer was not as cold as I
might have liked, but that's my fault because I only asked for a little
ice in the cup because I'm cheap and want as much liquid as I can get
for the price.

I had already seen all the same previews when I saw "Spider-Man" a week
ago.  "Men In Black 2" looks interesting; I might go see that.  Hey,
howcum "Spirit, Stallion of the Cimmaron" has no penis or balls?  This
is a stallion?  You can see when he jumps over the crevasse, he's
totally smooth back there.  I'll probably avoid this movie because of
the false advertising.  "Minority Report" had an interesting preview,
even though I dislike Tom Cruise.  But I think that movie will bomb,
mainly because of it's awful title.  That Phil Dick sure could think up
some stinkers, eh?

Then a new Star Wars movie came on.  I remember laughing at the "you
don't want to sell me Death Sticks" bit, and cringing when Yoda affected
his Kung Fu pose.  Oh, and some of the special effects were pretty good.
One notable effect was that one scene where they made it look like
Natalie Portman had breasts.  Was that CGI?  I couldn't tell.  Anyway,
it momentarily distracted me from the fly that kept crawling on her left
cheek, so that was nice.

Then there was a lot of political talk but I lost track of it all
because I got some popcorn stuck between my molars and that kept me busy
trying to dig it out for a while, so I missed some stuff.  I've got to
remember to bring a toothpick with me if I go see Men In Black.  I'd
like to keep one in my wallet but I'm afraid it'll impale me in the ass.

Then there was a lot of shooting and explosions.  Some machines got
blowed up and I think some people died but I don't know who they were.

I was very impressed with Bonnie Maree Piesse.  She didn't have a single
line but I fell in love with her immediately.  Such a cute nose.

Anyway, I'm watching "Celebrity Boxing" right now and Olga Korbut is
getting the crap beat out of her and I really can't remember the movie
much anymore, so I guess I'll end this review now.  But I gotta remember
to keep my eyes open for Piesse in the future.

Captain Infinity
 ..."There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!" --Comic Book Guy

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