Subject: ADVENTURES IN SERVOLAND: CHAPTER 4; The Peep Sends in a Little Antifrance From: "Plain, Simple, Blackhawk." <firstname.lastname@example.org> Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo Message-ID: <email@example.com> ************************************************************************* BLACKHAWK'S ADVENTURES IN SERVOLAND Previous chapter: A KPS-Race and a Long Tale CHAPTER IV The Peep Sends in a Little Antifrance It was the Yellow Peep, trotting slowly back again, and looking anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something; and he heard it muttering to itself `*peep!* The Wench! The Wench! Oh my dear wax eyes! Oh my sugar and marshmallow! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets are ferrets! Where can I have dropped them, I wonder? *peep!*' Blackhawk guessed in a moment that it was looking for the alt.fan and the pair of white kid gloves, and he very good-naturedly began hunting about for them, but they were nowhere to be seen -- everything seemed to have changed since his swim in the pool, and the great hall, with the Lots42 table and the little door, had vanished completely. Very soon the Peep noticed Blackhawk, as he went hunting about, and called out to him in an angry tone, `*peep!* Why, Rogue Angel, what are you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves and a cat-o-nine-tails! Quick, now!*peep!*' And Blackhawk was so much frightened that he ran off at once in the direction it pointed to, without trying to explain the mistake it had made. `He took me for his concubine!,' he said to himself as he ran. `How surprised he'll be when he finds out who I am! But I'd better take him his fan and whip--that is, if I can find them.' As he said this, he came upon a neat little house, on the door of which was a bright brass plate with the name `Y. Peep' engraved upon it. He went in without knocking, and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest he should meet the real Rogue Angel, and be turned out of the house before he had found the fan and cat-o-nine-tails. `How queer it seems,' Blackhawk said to himself, `to be going S&M for a Peep! I suppose Heck will be sending me on for punishment next!' And he began fancying the sort of thing that would happen: `"Mr. Blackhawk! Come here directly, you've been a naughty little boy!" "Coming in a minute, nurse! But I've got to see that the psychiatrist doesn't get out." Only I don't think,' Blackhawk went on, `that they'd let Heck stop in the house if it began ordering people (or was it "peepul") about like that!' By this time he had found his way into a tidy little room with a table in the window, and on it (as he had hoped) a cat-o-nine-tails labeled "Bessie" and two or three pairs of tiny white kid gloves: he took up the flail and a pair of the gloves, and was just going to leave the room, when his eye fell upon a little bottle that stood near the bong. There was no label this time with the words `SUCK MW,' but nevertheless he uncorked it and put it to his lips, hoping it wasn't bong water. `I know something interesting is sure to happen,' he said to himself, `whenever I suck or bite anything; so I'll just see what this bottle does. I do hope it'll make me grow large again, for really I'm quite tired of being such a tiny little thing!' It did so indeed, despite it's having tasted like bong water, and much sooner than he had expected: before he had drunk half the bottle, he found his head pressing against the ceiling, and had to stoop to save his neck from being broken. He hastily put down the bottle, saying to himself `That's quite enough -- I hope I shan't grow any more -- As it is, I can't get out at the door -- I do wish I hadn't drunk quite so much!' Alas! it was too late to wish that! He went on growing, and growing, and very soon had to kneel down on the floor: in another minute there was not even room for this, and he tried the effect of lying down with one elbow against the door, and the other arm curled round his head. Still he went on growing, and, as a last resource, he put one arm out of the window, and one foot up the chimney, and said to himself `Now I can do no more, whatever happens. What will become of me?' [Image] Blackhawk cramped in the Peep's house `Now I can do no more, whatever happens. What will become of me?' _________ / | ) / \________/ __/____/_ |__|____|_| _____________________________________|___|___| /\###/ / \######################\ / \##\________/__ /#######################\ / \#/333333))) _____ \########################\ / \\ /, | | |/#########################\ | | \ |\_|__| |__|/ / | | ____ |) \ | \| | | / / | |/____\| _ | \__| |_/ / __ | ||Y. || /_ / / / / / || ||Peep||\______/__/__/___________/ / | || ||----||_ _____\___o___o__|0|______/ /__________| || || o||___________o___o__| |___ | || || || / _-2_______________|__|| || ||____________________\_3' | BH |^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Luckily for Blackhawk, the little magic bottle had now had its full effect, and he grew no larger: still it was very uncomfortable, and, as there seemed to be no sort of chance of him ever getting out of the room again, no wonder he felt unhappy. `It was much pleasanter at home,' thought poor Blackhawk, `when one wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by psychiatrists and Peeps. I almost wish I hadn't gone down that hole...family -- and yet -- and yet -- it's rather curious, you know, this sort of electronic life! I do wonder what can have happened to me! When I used to read fanfic, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a web page written about me, that there ought! And when I grow up, I'll write one -- but I'm grown up now,' he added in a sorrowful tone; `at least there's no room to grow up any more in this froup...' `But then,' thought Blackhawk, `shall my jokes never get any older than they are now? That'll be a comfort, one way -- never to be a humorless old man -- but then -- always to have memes to spread! Oh, I should like that!' `Oh, you foolish Blackhawk!' he answered himself. `How can you spread memes in here? Why, there's hardly room for *you*, and no room at all for any veracity!' And so he went on, taking first one side and then the other, and making quite a argument of it altogether, he imagined jdn was arguing with him; but after a few minutes he heard a voice outside, and stopped to listen. `Rogue Angel! Rogue Angel!' said the voice. `Fetch me my gloves this moment!' Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. Blackhawk knew it was the Peep coming to look for him, and he trembled till he shook the house, quite forgetting that he was now about a thousand times as large as the Peep, and had no reason to be afraid of it. Presently the Peep came up to the door, and tried to open it; but, as the door opened inwards, and Blackhawk's elbow was pressed hard against it, that attempt proved a failure. Blackhawk heard it say to itself `Then I'll go round and get in at the window.' `That you won't' thought Blackhawk, and, after waiting till he fancied he heard the Peep just under the window, he suddenly spread out his hand, and made a dingaling in the air. He did not get hold of anything, but he heard a little shriek and a fall, and a squeeling, from which he concluded that it was just possible it had fallen into the World Tra^H^H^H^Riboflavin Monkey, which Blackhawk had excised from the last chapter, or something of the sort. [Image] Blackhawk's hand making a dingaling at the Peep _ ' _) . _____________" /____ | \/| | _(__)___ (\ _ ) )|/| | ________) (/ _----. /.'.' *PEEP* | ) _(__).-._________.. .' @ _\ .' / |______(__)'.._______. '. / (_| .') <where did the ____O_O_O_|BH '._____. / '-/ \ | _.' towers go?> \ '.______ ( ) ><\ |\________ (\ '..____ '._ ) o) //___ __0) .' __.--\ , , // (( / / _ '.' | \/ (_.'( EEK! EEK! /_/ (/ ' \ .' __ / \ ( w c(..)o ( \ '. \__(-) __) \ \ '.) /\ ( '-'-' /(_)___) w /| | \ m m (,.') <-- poopie <translated from Arabic> *bird by mrf Next came an angry voice--the Peep's--`MQS! MQS! Where are you?' And then a voice he had never heard before, `Sure then I'm here! Digging for Ballet shoes, yer honour!' `Digging for Ballet shoes, indeed!' said the Peep angrily. `Here! Come and help me out of this!' (Sounds of more broken glass.) `Digging for Ballet shoes isn't any sillier than apples if you don't speak French!' MQS replied. `Now tell me, MQS, what's that in the window?' said the Peep. `Sure, it's a dingaling, yer honour!' (She pronounced it `dangelang.') `A dingaling, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why, it fills the whole window!' `Sure, it does, yer honour: but it's a dingaling for all that.' `Well, it's got no business there, at any rate: go and take it away!' There was a long silence after this, and Blackhawk could only hear whispers now and then; such as, `Sure, I don't like it, yer honour, at all, at all!' `Trolling for Justice! Trolling for Just Us!' and at last he spread out his hand again, and made another dingaling in the air. This time there were two little yells, and more sounds of monkey shrieks. `What a number of monkeys there must be!' thought Blackhawk. `I wonder what they'll do next! As for pulling me out of the window, I only wish they could! I'm sure I don't want to stay in here any longer!' He waited for some time without hearing anything more: at last came a rumbling of little cartwheels, and the sound of a good many voices all talking together: he made out the words: `Where's the other can of whoop-ass?--Why, I hadn't to bring but one; Antifrance's got the other--Antifrance! fetch it here, Krab!--Here, put 'em up at this corner--No, tie 'em to the ballet shoes first--they don't reach half high enough yet--Oh! they'll do well enough; don't be particular-- Here, Antifrance! catch hold of this herring--Will the roof bear?--Mind that loose Teat--Oh, it's coming down! Heads below!' (a loud crash)--`Now, who did that?--It was Antifrance, I fancy--Who's to go down the chimney?--Nay, I shan't! You do it!--That I won't, then!--Antifrance's to go down--Here, Antifrance! the master says you're to go down the chimney!' `Oh! So Antifrance's got to come down the chimney, has he?' said Blackhawk to himself. `Shy, they seem to put everything upon Antifrance! I wouldn't be in Antifrance's place for a good deal: this fireplace is narrow, to be sure; but I think I can kick a little!' He drew his foot as far down the chimney as he could, and waited till he heard a little animal (he couldn't guess of what sort it was) scratching and scrambling about in the chimney close above him: then, saying to himself `This is Antifrance,' he gave one sharp kick, and waited to see what would happen next. The first thing he heard was a general chorus of `There goes Antifrance!' then the Peep's voice along--`Catch him, you by the shrubbery!' then silence, and then another Monkey shriek--`Hold up his head--MQS now--Don't choke him--How was it, old fellow? What happened to you? Tell us all about it!' [Image] "There goes Antifrance!" ,^, ,^, o \ / o ()))) |o-o| ( < ) \/ \ - / \/ || |#| || ||____/"~"\____|| |_____ \_/ _____| | | ______| |______ >______KRABS______< | | | | _____| |_____ | ____RULE!____ | || |___| || || ||_o_| | || /\ | | | /\ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | _|_|_|_ (___|___) BH | | | | | | | | ______________ |__|__|__|__|__| |____|_____| |__|_____|_| |____|_____| |_|____|___| |/\/\/\/\/\| Last came a little feeble, krabby voice, (`That's Antifrance,' thought Blackhawk,) `Well, I hardly know--No more, thank ye; I'm better now--but I'm a deal too flustered to tell you--all I know is, something comes at me like a racist coin troll, and up I goes like a sky-rocket!' `So you did, old fellow!' said the others. `We must burn the house down!' said the Peep's voice; and Blackhawk called out as loud as he could, `If you do. I'll set Heck at you!' There was a dead silence instantly, and Blackhawk thought to himself, `I wonder what they will do next! If they had any sense, they'd take the roof off.' After a minute or two, they began moving about again, and Blackhawk heard the Peep say, `A barrowful will do, to begin with.' `A barrowful of what?' thought Blackhawk; but he had not long to doubt, for the next moment a shower of Little Debbies came rattling in at the window, and some of them hit him in the face. `I'll put a stop to this,' he said to himself, and shouted out, `You'd better not do that again!' which produced another dead silence. Blackhawk noticed with some surprise that the Debbies were all turning into little "Spooky Kats" as they lay on the floor, and a bright idea came into his head. `If I eat one of these Kats,' he thought, `it's sure to make some change in my size; and as it can't possibly make me larger, it must make me smaller, I suppose.' So he swallowed one of the Kats, and was delighted to find that he began shrinking directly. As soon as he was small enough to get through the door, he ran out of the house, and found quite a crowd of little Thuggesses and Teats waiting outside. The poor little Krab, Antifrance, was in the middle, being held up by two Teats, who were giving it something out of a nipple. They all made a nasty gesture at Blackhawk the moment he appeared; but he ran off as hard as he could, and soon found himself safe in a thick wood. `The first thing I've got to do,' said Blackhawk to himself, as he wandered about in the wood, `is to grow to my right size again; and the second thing is to find my way into that lovely newsgroup. I think that will be the best plan.' It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged; the only difficulty was, that he had not the smallest idea how to set about it; and while he was peeping about anxiously among the trees, a little sharp "meeooww" just over his head made him look up in a great hurry. An enormous meower was looking down at him with large round eyes, and feebly stretching out one paw, trying to touch him. `Fuck!' said Blackhawk, in a excited tone, and he tried hard to troll it; but he was terribly frightened all the time at the thought that it might be persistent, in which case it would be very likely to eat up all the bandwidth in spite of all his coaxing. [Image] Meower looking for tiny trolling Blackhawk *meow* _ _,---._ __ / \ : \ .-' `./ / \ Hey, over here you ` `. ,' `/ /| / terrorist fur ball! `. `." \'\ / | _ , `. ` ,. `.\ / | _O_| /`. ,'--`---Y |/||| ( ; | ' |-| | ,-. ,-' | / ||| | | ( | hjw | / ||| ) | \ `.___________|/ " " BH `--' `--' Hardly knowing what he did, he picked up a flame war, and held it out to the meower; whereupon the meower jumped into the air off all its sockpuppets at once, with a yelp of delight, and rushed at the flame war, and made believe to worry it; then Blackhawk dodged behind a great ginat, to keep himself from being run over; and the moment he appeared on the other side, the meower made another rush at the flame war, and tumbled head over heels in its hurry to get hold of it; then Blackhawk, thinking it was very like having a game of play with an idiot, and expecting every moment to be trampled under its .sig, ran round the ginat again; then the meower began a series of short charges at the flame war, sucking in newbies each time and a long way back, and trolling hoarsely all the while, till at last it sat down a good way off, panting, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth, and its great eyes half shut. This seemed to Blackhawk a good opportunity for making his escape; so he set off at once, and ran till he was quite tired and out of breath, and till the howl of the meowers's victims sounded quite faint in the distance. `And yet what a nasty little troll it was!' said Blackhawk, as he leant against an asparagus to rest himself, and poked himself with one of the spears: `I should have liked teaching it tricks very much, if--if I'd only been the right brane size to do it! Oh dear! I'd nearly forgotten that I've got to grow up again! Let me see--how is it to be managed? I suppose I ought to eat, drink or snort something or other; but the great question is, what?' The great question certainly was, what? Blackhawk looked all round him at the poopies and the Teat milk, but he did not see anything that looked like the right thing to eat, drink, snort or smoke under the circumstances. There was a large infinity symbol growing near him, about the same height as himself; and when he had looked under it, and on both sides of it, and behind it, it occurred to him that he might as well look and see what was on the top of it. He stretched himself up on tiptoe, and peeped over the edge of the infinity symbol, and his eyes immediately met those of a WuhWuhS on large Caterpillar(tm), he was sitting on the top with it's arms folded, quietly sucking on a long neck Budwieser, barbqueing some pork ribs and taking not the smallest notice of him or of anything else. [Image] Blackhawk meets WuhWuhS on his Caterpillar X X / ) X / /// / \ <////// \\\ _|___| |( | n //| / /BUD| c(-@I@ \( / / _/__| / c | \ | | \ ____ / \___| ____ | \ | \_/_ \/ \ / \__| \ | \ \\ \______) || \ \ | | || WWS || \ | \_ \ || | || | ')\\ \____//_ |_||______/ < 3\\ \ ___/ ___/ / ) __@ \ _-_ / /Q\_\ \ _/_ / |O | | \ _/_ / ) |O | | _________ \______/ ( ( ) |__| | ______:::| / \ )')( |)_|_| ______:::|/ \ ("(' ) | |_| _________|\ ____\__| ///// |\ 3| _________|/|____|__| \\\\\ / | \ | |-|BUSH|__|_____(o)))___| | \ | (")____| |2000| O___________| | \| /_/____|_|____|____O___________| | || //____\____\____\____\____\__\\ | | || || O_O___O___O___O___O___O___O|| \ _|___|| BH \\__/____/___ _/ _ __/____/__// (_____)) /` \/ `\ /` \/ `\ _ _ \ / _ _ _ _ \ / _ _ /` \/ `\'. .'/` \/ `\ /` \/ `\'. .'/` \/ `\ \ / \/ \ / \ / \/ \ / _ _ '. .' '. .' _ _ '. .' '. .' _ _ /` \/ `\ \/ \/ /` \/ `\ \/ \/ /` \/ `\ \ / \ / \ / '. .' _ _ _ _ '. .' _ _ _ _ '. .' \/ /` \/` \ /` \/ `\ \/ /` \/` \ /` \/ `\ \/ \ / _ _ \ / \ / _ _ \ / '. .'/` \/ `\'. .' '. .'/` \/ `\'. .' \/ \ / \/ \/ \ / \/ '. .' '. .' jgs \/ \/ C.I. Next chapter: Advice from a Redneck with a Caterpillar(tm) -- Plain, Simple, Blackhawk. Dear Wes, any resemblence between the new character in the last illustration of this chapter and Johnny Bravo is completely deliberate.
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