CHAPTER 4; The Peep Sends in a Little Antifrance
From:       "Plain, Simple, Blackhawk." <>
Message-ID: <>


Previous chapter: A KPS-Race and a Long Tale


The Peep Sends in a Little Antifrance

It was the Yellow Peep, trotting slowly back again, and looking 
anxiously about as it went, as if it had lost something; and he heard it 
muttering to itself `*peep!* The Wench! The Wench! Oh my dear wax eyes! 
Oh my sugar and marshmallow! She'll get me executed, as sure as ferrets 
are ferrets! Where can I have dropped them, I wonder? *peep!*' Blackhawk 
guessed in a moment that it was looking for the and the pair of 
white kid gloves, and he very good-naturedly began hunting about for 
them, but they were nowhere to be seen -- everything seemed to have 
changed since his swim in the pool, and the great hall, with the Lots42 
table and the little door, had vanished completely.

Very soon the Peep noticed Blackhawk, as he went hunting about, and 
called out to him in an angry tone, `*peep!* Why, Rogue Angel, what are 
you doing out here? Run home this moment, and fetch me a pair of gloves 
and a cat-o-nine-tails! Quick, now!*peep!*' And Blackhawk was so much 
frightened that he ran off at once in the direction it pointed to, 
without trying to explain the mistake it had made.

`He took me for his concubine!,' he said to himself as he ran. `How 
surprised he'll be when he finds out who I am! But I'd better take him 
his fan and whip--that is, if I can find them.' As he said this, he came 
upon a neat little house, on the door of which was a bright brass plate 
with the name `Y. Peep' engraved upon it. He went in without knocking, 
and hurried upstairs, in great fear lest he should meet the real Rogue 
Angel, and be turned out of the house before he had found the fan and 

`How queer it seems,' Blackhawk said to himself, `to be going S&M for a 
Peep! I suppose Heck will be sending me on for punishment next!' And he 
began fancying the sort of thing that would happen: `"Mr. Blackhawk! 
Come here directly, you've been a naughty little boy!" "Coming in a 
minute, nurse! But I've got to see that the psychiatrist doesn't get 
out." Only I don't think,' Blackhawk went on, `that they'd let Heck stop 
in the house if it began ordering people (or was it "peepul") about like 

By this time he had found his way into a tidy little room with a table 
in the window, and on it (as he had hoped) a cat-o-nine-tails labeled 
"Bessie" and two or three pairs of tiny white kid gloves: he took up the 
flail and a pair of the gloves, and was just going to leave the room, 
when his eye fell upon a little bottle that stood near the bong. There 
was no label this time with the words `SUCK MW,' but nevertheless he 
uncorked it and put it to his lips, hoping it wasn't bong water. `I know 
something interesting is sure to happen,' he said to himself, `whenever 
I suck or bite anything; so I'll just see what this bottle does. I do 
hope it'll make me grow large again, for really I'm quite tired of being 
such a tiny little thing!'

It did so indeed, despite it's having tasted like bong water, and much 
sooner than he had expected: before he had drunk half the bottle, he 
found his head pressing against the ceiling, and had to stoop to save 
his neck from being broken. He hastily put down the bottle, saying to 
himself `That's quite enough -- I hope I shan't grow any more -- As it 
is, I can't get out at the door -- I do wish I hadn't drunk quite so 

Alas! it was too late to wish that! He went on growing, and growing, and 
very soon had to kneel down on the floor: in another minute there was 
not even room for this, and he tried the effect of lying down with one 
elbow against the door, and the other arm curled round his head. Still 
he went on growing, and, as a last resource, he put one arm out of the 
window, and one foot up the chimney, and said to himself `Now I can do 
no more, whatever happens. What will become of me?'

[Image]  Blackhawk cramped in the Peep's house

`Now I can do no more, whatever happens. What will become of me?'
                                         _________      /
                                        |         )    /
   /\###/         /        \######################\
  /  \##\________/__       /#######################\ 
 /    \#/333333)))   _____ \########################\
/      \\       /,  |  |  |/#########################\
 |      |       \   |\_|__|       |__|/    /         |
 | ____ |)        \ | \|  |       |  /    /          |
 |/____\|       _   |  \__|       |_/    /        __ |
 ||Y.  ||      /_   /  /           /    /        /  ||
 ||Peep||\______/__/__/___________/    /         |  ||
 ||----||_ _____\___o___o__|0|______/ /__________|  ||
 ||   o||___________o___o__| |___                |  ||
 ||    ||                    / _-2_______________|__||
 ||    ||____________________\_3'                    | BH

Luckily for Blackhawk, the little magic bottle had now had its full 
effect, and he grew no larger: still it was very uncomfortable, and, as 
there seemed to be no sort of chance of him ever getting out of the room 
again, no wonder he felt unhappy.

`It was much pleasanter at home,' thought poor Blackhawk, `when one 
wasn't always growing larger and smaller, and being ordered about by 
psychiatrists and Peeps. I almost wish I hadn't gone down that -- and yet -- and yet -- it's rather curious, you know, 
this sort of electronic life! I do wonder what can have happened to me! 
When I used to read fanfic, I fancied that kind of thing never happened, 
and now here I am in the middle of one! There ought to be a web page 
written about me, that there ought! And when I grow up, I'll write one 
-- but I'm grown up now,' he added in a sorrowful tone; `at least 
there's no room to grow up any more in this froup...'

`But then,' thought Blackhawk, `shall my jokes never get any older than 
they are now? That'll be a comfort, one way -- never to be a humorless 
old man -- but then -- always to have memes to spread! Oh, I should like 

`Oh, you foolish Blackhawk!' he answered himself. `How can you spread 
memes in here? Why, there's hardly room for *you*, and no room at all 
for any veracity!'

And so he went on, taking first one side and then the other, and making 
quite a argument of it altogether, he imagined jdn was arguing with him; 
but after a few minutes he heard a voice outside, and stopped to listen.

`Rogue Angel! Rogue Angel!' said the voice. `Fetch me my gloves this 
moment!' Then came a little pattering of feet on the stairs. Blackhawk 
knew it was the Peep coming to look for him, and he trembled till he 
shook the house, quite forgetting that he was now about a thousand times 
as large as the Peep, and had no reason to be afraid of it.

Presently the Peep came up to the door, and tried to open it; but, as 
the door opened inwards, and Blackhawk's elbow was pressed hard against 
it, that attempt proved a failure. Blackhawk heard it say to itself 
`Then I'll go round and get in at the window.'

`That you won't' thought Blackhawk, and, after waiting till he fancied 
he heard the Peep just under the window, he suddenly spread out his 
hand, and made a dingaling in the air. He did not get hold of anything, 
but he heard a little shriek and a fall, and a squeeling, from which he 
concluded that it was just possible it had fallen into the World 
Tra^H^H^H^Riboflavin Monkey, which Blackhawk had excised from the last 
chapter, or something of the sort.

[Image]  Blackhawk's hand making a dingaling at the Peep
              ' _)                              .
_____________" /____                           | \/|
          |     _(__)___ (\ _                  ) )|/|
          |     ________)  (/            _----. /.'.' *PEEP*
          |  )  _(__).-._________..      .' @ _\  .'  / 
          |______(__)'.._______.   '.   /    (_| .')    <where did the
____O_O_O_|BH          '._____.  /   '-/ \   | _.'      towers go?> \
                        '.______ (         ) ><\           |\________ 
                    (\    '..____ '._       ) o)           //___  __0)
                             .' __.--\  , ,  // ((             / /
                        _    '.'     |  \/   (_.'(  EEK! EEK! /_/
                       (/            '   \ .'     __   /
                                      \   (  w  c(..)o   ( 
                                       \   '. \__(-)    __)
                                        \ \ '.)   /\   (
                                         '-'-'   /(_)___)
                                                 w /| 
                                                  | \   
                                                  m m  (,.') <-- poopie
<translated from Arabic>
*bird by mrf

Next came an angry voice--the Peep's--`MQS! MQS! Where are you?' And 
then a voice he had never heard before, `Sure then I'm here! Digging for 
Ballet shoes, yer honour!'

`Digging for Ballet shoes, indeed!' said the Peep angrily. `Here! Come 
and help me out of this!' (Sounds of more broken glass.)

`Digging for Ballet shoes isn't any sillier than apples if you don't 
speak French!' MQS replied.

`Now tell me, MQS, what's that in the window?' said the Peep.

`Sure, it's a dingaling, yer honour!' (She pronounced it `dangelang.')

`A dingaling, you goose! Who ever saw one that size? Why, it fills the 
whole window!'

`Sure, it does, yer honour: but it's a dingaling for all that.'

`Well, it's got no business there, at any rate: go and take it away!'

There was a long silence after this, and Blackhawk could only hear 
whispers now and then; such as, `Sure, I don't like it, yer honour, at 
all, at all!' `Trolling for Justice! Trolling for Just Us!' and at last 
he spread out his hand again, and made another dingaling in the air. 
This time there were two little yells, and more sounds of monkey 
shrieks. `What a number of monkeys there must be!' thought Blackhawk. `I 
wonder what they'll do next! As for pulling me out of the window, I only 
wish they could! I'm sure I don't want to stay in here any longer!'

He waited for some time without hearing anything more: at last came a 
rumbling of little cartwheels, and the sound of a good many voices all 
talking together: he made out the words: `Where's the other can of 
whoop-ass?--Why, I hadn't to bring but one; Antifrance's got the 
other--Antifrance! fetch it here, Krab!--Here, put 'em up at this 
corner--No, tie 'em to the ballet shoes first--they don't reach half 
high enough yet--Oh! they'll do well enough; don't be particular-- Here, 
Antifrance! catch hold of this herring--Will the roof bear?--Mind that 
loose Teat--Oh, it's coming down! Heads below!' (a loud crash)--`Now, 
who did that?--It was Antifrance, I fancy--Who's to go down the 
chimney?--Nay, I shan't! You do it!--That I won't, then!--Antifrance's 
to go down--Here, Antifrance! the master says you're to go down the 

`Oh! So Antifrance's got to come down the chimney, has he?' said 
Blackhawk to himself. `Shy, they seem to put everything upon Antifrance! 
I wouldn't be in Antifrance's place for a good deal: this fireplace is 
narrow, to be sure; but I think I can kick a little!'

He drew his foot as far down the chimney as he could, and waited till he 
heard a little animal (he couldn't guess of what sort it was) scratching 
and scrambling about in the chimney close above him: then, saying to 
himself `This is Antifrance,' he gave one sharp kick, and waited to see 
what would happen next.

The first thing he heard was a general chorus of `There goes 
Antifrance!' then the Peep's voice along--`Catch him, you by the 
shrubbery!' then silence, and then another Monkey shriek--`Hold up his 
head--MQS now--Don't choke him--How was it, old fellow? What happened to 
you? Tell us all about it!'

[Image]  "There goes Antifrance!"

      ,^,    ,^,
     o   \  /   o
        (  <  )    
   \/    \ - /    \/
   ||     |#|     ||
   |_____ \_/ _____|
         |   |      
   ______|   |______
         |   | 
         |   |
    _____|   |_____
   | ____RULE!____ |
   ||    |___|    ||
   ||   ||_o_|  | ||
   /\ |  |   |    /\
         | | | | |  
       | | | |
         | | |    |
     |   | | |   
         | | |
         | | |  |
      |  | | |
         | | |
         | | |    |
   |     | | |
       (___|___)   BH
          |  |   
        |   |  |
          |  |  

Last came a little feeble, krabby voice, (`That's Antifrance,' thought 
Blackhawk,) `Well, I hardly know--No more, thank ye; I'm better now--but 
I'm a deal too flustered to tell you--all I know is, something comes at 
me like a racist coin troll, and up I goes like a sky-rocket!'

`So you did, old fellow!' said the others.

`We must burn the house down!' said the Peep's voice; and Blackhawk 
called out as loud as he could, `If you do. I'll set Heck at you!'

There was a dead silence instantly, and Blackhawk thought to himself, `I 
wonder what they will do next! If they had any sense, they'd take the 
roof off.' After a minute or two, they began moving about again, and 
Blackhawk heard the Peep say, `A barrowful will do, to begin with.'

`A barrowful of what?' thought Blackhawk; but he had not long to doubt, 
for the next moment a shower of Little Debbies came rattling in at the 
window, and some of them hit him in the face. `I'll put a stop to this,' 
he said to himself, and shouted out, `You'd better not do that again!' 
which produced another dead silence.

Blackhawk noticed with some surprise that the Debbies were all turning 
into little "Spooky Kats" as they lay on the floor, and a bright idea 
came into his head. `If I eat one of these Kats,' he thought, `it's sure 
to make some change in my size; and as it can't possibly make me larger, 
it must make me smaller, I suppose.'

So he swallowed one of the Kats, and was delighted to find that he began 
shrinking directly. As soon as he was small enough to get through the 
door, he ran out of the house, and found quite a crowd of little 
Thuggesses and Teats waiting outside. The poor little Krab, Antifrance, 
was in the middle, being held up by two Teats, who were giving it 
something out of a nipple. They all made a nasty gesture at Blackhawk 
the moment he appeared; but he ran off as hard as he could, and soon 
found himself safe in a thick wood.

`The first thing I've got to do,' said Blackhawk to himself, as he 
wandered about in the wood, `is to grow to my right size again; and the 
second thing is to find my way into that lovely newsgroup. I think that 
will be the best plan.'

It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply 
arranged; the only difficulty was, that he had not the smallest idea how 
to set about it; and while he was peeping about anxiously among the 
trees, a little sharp "meeooww" just over his head made him look up in a 
great hurry.

An enormous meower was looking down at him with large round eyes, and 
feebly stretching out one paw, trying to touch him. `Fuck!' said 
Blackhawk, in a excited tone, and he tried hard to troll it; but he was 
terribly frightened all the time at the thought that it might be 
persistent, in which case it would be very likely to eat up all the 
bandwidth in spite of all his coaxing.

[Image]  Meower looking for tiny trolling Blackhawk

  _           _,---._ __  / \   
 : \       .-'       `./ /   \     Hey, over here you
 `  `.   ,'            `/    /|   /         terrorist fur ball! 
  `.  `."             \'\   / |  _ ,
    `.  `           ,. `.\ /  | _O_|
     /`.          ,'--`---Y   |/|||
    (            ;        |   ' |-|
    |  ,-.    ,-'         |  /  |||
    |  | (   |        hjw | /   ||| 
    )  |  \  `.___________|/    " " BH
    `--'   `--'                 

Hardly knowing what he did, he picked up a flame war, and held it out to 
the meower; whereupon the meower jumped into the air off all its 
sockpuppets at once, with a yelp of delight, and rushed at the flame 
war, and made believe to worry it; then Blackhawk dodged behind a great 
ginat, to keep himself from being run over; and the moment he appeared 
on the other side, the meower made another rush at the flame war, and 
tumbled head over heels in its hurry to get hold of it; then Blackhawk, 
thinking it was very like having a game of play with an idiot, and 
expecting every moment to be trampled under its .sig, ran round the 
ginat again; then the meower began a series of short charges at the 
flame war, sucking in newbies each time and a long way back, and 
trolling hoarsely all the while, till at last it sat down a good way 
off, panting, with its tongue hanging out of its mouth, and its great 
eyes half shut.

This seemed to Blackhawk a good opportunity for making his escape; so he 
set off at once, and ran till he was quite tired and out of breath, and 
till the howl of the meowers's victims sounded quite faint in the 

`And yet what a nasty little troll it was!' said Blackhawk, as he leant 
against an asparagus to rest himself, and poked himself with one of the 
spears: `I should have liked teaching it tricks very much, if--if I'd 
only been the right brane size to do it! Oh dear! I'd nearly forgotten 
that I've got to grow up again! Let me see--how is it to be managed? I 
suppose I ought to eat, drink or snort something or other; but the great 
question is, what?'

The great question certainly was, what? Blackhawk looked all round him 
at the poopies and the Teat milk, but he did not see anything that 
looked like the right thing to eat, drink, snort or smoke under the 
circumstances. There was a large infinity symbol growing near him, about 
the same height as himself; and when he had looked under it, and on both 
sides of it, and behind it, it occurred to him that he might as well 
look and see what was on the top of it.

He stretched himself up on tiptoe, and peeped over the edge of the 
infinity symbol, and his eyes immediately met those of a WuhWuhS on 
large Caterpillar(tm), he was sitting on the top with it's arms folded, 
quietly sucking on a long neck Budwieser, barbqueing some pork ribs and 
taking not the smallest notice of him or of anything else.

[Image]  Blackhawk meets WuhWuhS on his Caterpillar

     X             / )
     X          / ///
    / \      <//////        \\\
  _|___|     |(   |      n  //|
 / /BUD|     c(-@I@      \(  /
/  _/__|     /  c |       \  |
| \   ____  / \___| ____   |  \
|  \_/_   \/     \ /    \__|   \
|   \ \\   \______)      || \   \
|    | ||           WWS  ||  \   |           \_
\      ||              | ||      |          ')\\
 \____//_              |_||______/         <  3\\
       \    ___/ ___/ /                    ) __@ 
        \      _-_   /                     /Q\_\
         \     _/_  /                     |O | |
          \    _/_ /     )                |O | |
_________  \______/     ( (  )            |__| |
______:::| /      \      )')(             |)_|_| 
______:::|/        \    ("(' )            |  |_|
_________|\ ____\__|     /////            |\  3|
_________|/|____|__|     \\\\\   /        | \  |
         |-|BUSH|__|_____(o)))___|        |  \ |
  (")____| |2000|    O___________|        |   \|
  /_/____|_|____|____O___________|        |   ||           
 //____\____\____\____\____\__\\ |        |   ||          
|| O_O___O___O___O___O___O___O|| \       _|___||     BH     
 \\__/____/___ _/ _ __/____/__//        (_____))     
             /` \/ `\                  /` \/ `\      
        _  _ \      / _  _        _  _ \      / _  _ 
      /` \/ `\'.  .'/` \/ `\    /` \/ `\'.  .'/` \/ `\
      \      /  \/  \      /    \      /  \/  \      /
  _  _ '.  .'        '.  .' _  _ '.  .'        '.  .' _  _
/` \/ `\ \/            \/ /` \/ `\ \/            \/ /` \/ `\
\      /                  \      /                  \      /
 '.  .' _   _         _  _ '.  .' _   _         _  _ '.  .'
   \/ /` \/` \      /` \/ `\ \/ /` \/` \      /` \/ `\ \/
      \      / _  _ \      /    \      / _  _ \      /
       '.  .'/` \/ `\'.  .'      '.  .'/` \/ `\'.  .'
         \/  \      /  \/          \/  \      /  \/
              '.  .'                    '.  .'
          jgs   \/                        \/  C.I.

Next chapter: Advice from a Redneck with a Caterpillar(tm)

Plain, Simple, Blackhawk.
Dear Wes, any resemblence between the new character in the last 
illustration of this chapter and Johnny Bravo is completely deliberate.


Author's Notes for this chapter

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