Who Stole the Peeps?
From:       Blackhawk <>
Message-ID: <>


Previous chapter: The Krab Kwadrille


Who Stole the Peeps?

The MageJaime and Witch of Peeps were seated on their throne when they 
arrived, with a great crowd assembled about them--all sorts of little 
Teats and Monkeys, as well as the whole pack of peeps: Citizen B. was 
standing before them, in chains, with a soldier on each side to guard 
him; and near the MageJaime was the giant Yellow Peep, with a trumpet in 
one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the very middle of 
the court was a table, with a large dish of peeps upon it: they looked 
so good, that it made Blackhawk quite hungry to look at them--`I wish 
they'd get the trial done,' he thought, `and hand round the Anti-Voyager 
Zombies!' But there seemed to be no chance of this, so he began looking 
at everything about him, to pass away the time.

Blackhawk had never been in a court of "Just-us" before, but he had read 
about them in the usenet, and he was quite pleased to find that he knew 
the name of nearly every ebony ass there. `That's the Poohbah,' he said 
to himself, `because of the great Peep on his head.'

The Poohbah, by the way, was the MageJaime; and as he wore his Peep on 
top of his crown,  he did not look at all comfortable, and it was 
certainly not becoming.

[Image]  MageJaime and the Witch inspecting Peeps in courtroom

                                                          (')>   I gotta
                 _\|/_  I have tamed men of iron in my  (   )    use the
                 \"O"/  day, shall I not easily crush  \/\/\/|   throne!
                (//`\\) these men of marshmallow?     (_______)  /
             __(((a a)))/_                          _(()/___\())_ 
            / (((( - )))) \                        / _((\- -/))_ \ 
            \ (((()=()))) /                        \ \())(-)(()/ /
             '(((("X"))))'                          ' \(((()))/ '\
            / ((( \ /)))' \                        / ' \)).))/ '  \
           / _ ((- | -))_  \                      / _ \ - | - /_   )
          (   ((.;''';.).'  )                    (   ( .;''';. .' /
          _\"__ /    )\ __"/_                     \"__ /    )\ _"/
            \/  \   ' /  \/                        \/  \   ' / \/
             .'  '...' ' )                          .'  '...'  )
              / /  |  \ \                            / /  |  \ \
             / .   .   . \                          / .   .   . \
            /   .     .   \                        /   .     .   \
           /   /   |   \   \                      /   /   |   \   \
         .'   /    b    '.  '.                   '   /    b    '.  '. 
     _.-'    /     Bb     '-. '-._              /   /     Bb     '-  ',
 _.-'       |      BBb       '-.  '-.        _.' __       BBb      '-. '
(___________\____.dBBBb.________)____)      (____________dBBBb________)_)

                                 *peep*  _      _  *peep*
       I must help the                  ( ">  <" )                jgs/BH
       poor and downtrodden             (>,)><(.<)            (& others)   
__--__ peeples!                          ^^    ^^
 ( ">  /                  (o)(   (o)(    (o)(
/(>Z)>'                   ( "o /  ( "o /  ( "o / <---(Mortismouseketeers)
  ^^                      (~.)'   (~.)'   (~.)'
                         -'^^    -'^^    -'^^

`And that's the troll-box,' thought Blackhawk, `and those twelve 
creatures,' (he was obliged to say `creatures,' you see, because some of 
them were Monkeys, and some were Teats and all appeared to be on 
medication) `I suppose they are the jurors.' He said this last word two 
or three times over to himself, being rather proud of it: for he 
thought, and rightly too, that very few posters of his age knew the 
meaning of it at all. However, `Peepavores' or "trolls" would have done 
just as well.

The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on slates. `What are they 
doing?' Blackhawk whispered to the Hole. `They can't have anything to 
put down yet, before the trial has begun.'

`They're putting down their nyms,' the Hole whispered in reply, `for 
fear they should confuse them with their sock-puppets before the end of 
the trial. I mean you've been writing this story since July of 1999, any 
chance you'll finish in this current millennium?'

`Stupid ones!' Blackhawk began in a loud, indignant voice, but he 
stopped hastily, for the Yellow Peep cried out, `*peep* Silence in the 
court!*peep*' and the MageJaime put on his spectacles and looked 
anxiously round, to make out who was talking and where the bathroom was.

Blackhawk could see, as well as if he were looking over their shoulders, 
that all the trolls were writing down `stupid wons!' on their slates, 
and he could even make out that one of them didn't know how to spell 
`won,' and that he had to ask his neighbor to tell him. `A nice muddle 
their slates'll be in before the trial is over!' thought Blackhawk.

One of the jurors had a pencil that pooped. This of course, pissed 
Blackhawk off, and he went round the court and got behind him, and very 
soon found an opportunity of taking it away. He did it so quickly that 
the poor little juror (it was Ribo, the monkey) could not make out at 
all what had become of it; so, after hunting all about for it, he was 
obliged to signal Blackhawk with one finger and write with his tail for 
the rest of the day; and this was of very little use, as it left no mark 
on the slate.

`Herald, read the accusation!' said the MageJaime.

On this the Yellow Peep blew three blasts on the 
trumpet"*peep*peep*peep*", and then unrolled the parchment scroll, and 
read as follows:--

    `The Witch of Teats, bought some peeps,
          All on a summers day:
     Then Citizen B., stole those memes,
          And took them quite away!'

[Image] Yellow Peep, dressed as herald, blowing trumpet
             .'   _ \_
          _ .|   /9 )_\--------/| *PEEP*PEEP*PEEP*!!!
     _.-''          /_/--------\|
  <`'     ..._    <'  /|      |
   `._ .-'    `.  / "/ |*PEEP*| 
    ; `.    .-'  /'"'  | _  _ | 
     \  `~~'  _.'      |/ \/ \|
      `"..."'% _
        \__  |`.   BH

`Consider your verdict,' the MageJaime said to the trolls.

`*peep* Not yet, not yet!' the Yellow Peep hastily interrupted. `There's 
a great deal to come before that!*peep*'

`Call the first witness,' said the MageJaime; and the Yellow Peep blew 
three blasts on the trumpet*peep**peep**peep*, and called out, `First 

The first witness was Captain Hatter. He came in with a spoiler 
spaceship in one hand and a peep & peanut butter sandwich in the other. 
`I pardon your begging Majesty,' he began, `for bringing these in: but I 
hadn't quite finished my post when I was sent for.'

[Image]  Captain Hatter arrives hastily in court to testify

             \                 /
              \               /
               \ _______     /
                \\in this\  /
             -----99---__\----  I pardon your begging Majesty! 
                 99(     (')           
                 99   '___/     ( *)> *peep*  
    o-o           9    \__    (____)
    _|_            |  ___/   / _///
 __(___)_   _      | |____/ |
()()()()() | '----'\'/\ _|__|
 -------- _| /  \ \/ \/|
      _\\\__/    \/ . \|
           --____|__| \  \
          |  _______   \  \
          | |           \  \__
           --           (_____) BH

`You ought to have finished,' said the MageJaime. `When did you begin?'

The Hatter looked at the MarchJaime, who (changing costumes in a blur) 
appeared to have followed him into the court, arm-in-arm with the 
Mortismouse. `January of 2057, I think it was,' he said.

`2058!,' said the MarchJaime (dashing off for another costume change).

`2059!,' added the Mortismouse.

`Write that down,' the MageJaime (back in his crown) said to the jury, 
and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and 
then added them up, multiplied the sum by the prime rate, adjusted it 
for inflation and reduced the answer to pesetas and yen.

`Take off your Peep hat,' the MageJaime said to the Captain.

`It isn't mine,' said the Hatter.

`Stolen!' the MageJaime exclaimed, turning to the jury, who instantly 
made a memorandum of the fact.

`I keep them to sell on e-bay,' the Hatter added as an explanation; 
`I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.'

Here the Witch put on her pants, and began staring at the Hatter, who 
turned pale and fidgeted.

`Give your evidence,' said the MageJaime; `and don't be nervous, or I'll 
have you defecated on the spot.'

This did not seem to encourage the witness at all: he kept shifting from 
one parallel universe to the other, looking queasily at the Witch, and 
in his confusion he bit a large piece out of his spoiler spaceship 
instead of the sandwich.

Just at this moment Blackhawk felt a very curious sensation, which 
puzzled him a good deal until he made out what it was: he was beginning 
to grow larger again... 

...perhaps he was attracted to the Witch? 

No wait, everything was getting larger, and he thought at first he would 
get up and leave the court; but on second thoughts he decided to remain 
where he was as long as there was room for him... And his "pepperoni".

`I wish you wouldn't squeeze it so.' said the Mortismouse, who was 
sitting next to him. `I can hardly breathe.'

`I can't help it,' said Blackhawk very meekly: `I'm growing and besides, 
your dead.'

`Do I need to explain this "hosts" concept again? Besides, you've no 
right to grow here,' said the Mortismouse.

`Don't talk nonsense,' said Blackhawk more boldly: `you know you're 
growing too.'

`Yes, but I'm attracted to the Witch,' said the Mortismouse: `not in 
that ridiculous fashion.' And he got up very sexily and sashayed over to 
the other side of the court. He winked at the Witch.

All this time the Witch had never left off staring at the Hatter, and, 
just as the Mortismouse crossed the court, she said to one of the 
officers of the court, `Bring me the list of the posters in the last 
thread!' on which the wretched Hatter trembled so, that he shook his 
pants off.

`Give your evidence,' the MageJaime repeated angrily, `or I'll have you 
defecated, whether you're pantless or not.'

`I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' the Hatter began, in a trembling voice, 
`--and I hadn't begun my troll--not above a week or so--and what with 
the Witch's men of butter getting so thin--and the twinkling of the 

`The twinkling of the what?' said the MageJaime.

`It began with the tofu,' the Hatter replied.

`Of course trolling begins with tofu!' said the MageJaime sharply. `Do 
you take me for a dunce? Go on!'

`I'm a poor man,' the Hatter went on, `and most things peeped after 
that--only the MarchJaime pooped--'

`I didn't!' the MarchJaime interrupted, changing costumes in a great 

`You did!' said the Hatter.

`I deny it!' said the MarchJaime.

`He denies it,' said the MageJaime swapping rabbit ears for his peep 
crown: `leave out that peep.'

`Well, at any rate, the Mortismouse said--' the Hatter went on, looking 
anxiously round to see if he would deny it too: but the Mortismouse 
denied nothing, being dead and asleep.

`After that,' continued the Hatter, `I cut some more men of butter--'

`But what did the Mortismouse say?' one of the jury asked.

`It was latin, other than that I can't remember,' said the Hatter.

`You must remember,' remarked the MageJaime, `or I'll have you 

`I gave him that line' remarked the Ribo Monkey who was immediately 

The miserable Hatter dropped his spaceship and peep-and-butter, and went 
down on his trousers. `I'm a poor man, your Majesty,' he began.

`You're a very poor speaker,' said the MageJaime.

`But I craft a great troll!' said Captain Hatter.

Here one of the monkeys cheered and began to take off his pants, and was 
immediately suppressed by the officers of the court. (As that is rather 
a hard word, I will just explain to you how it was done. They had a 
large canvas bag, which tied up at the mouth with strings: into this 
they slipped the monkey, pants first, and then sat upon it.)

`I'm glad I've seen that done,' thought Blackhawk. `I've so often read 
in the newspapers, at the end of trials, "There were attempts by some to 
remove their pants, which was immediately suppressed by the officers of 
the court," and I never understood what it meant till now.'

`If that's all you know about it, you may stand down,' continued the 

`I can go no lower,' said the Hatter: `I'm on the floor, as it is.'

`Then you may sit down,' the MageJaime replied.

Here the Teats cheered and began to take off their pants, and they were 

`Come, that finished the Teats!' thought Blackhawk. `Now we shall get on 

`I'd rather finish my tofu,' said the Hatter, with an anxious look at 
the Witch, who was reading the list of posters.

`You may go,' said the MageJaime, and the Hatter hurriedly left the 
court, without even waiting to put his pants on.

[Image]  ...and just as hastily leaves

                *."+ ,        _____________     
             *( ( ) 9)*=.     \____________\'.'-'-, -._ 
-ZOOM!----- (9( (*(  () )'     \ * * * * * *\ -., '-,'.-'
---- ------ ----( )* ( (.)      \*  * * * * *\ -_ '-"-'
___ ____ ___ __ ) ( -) );*       \_*_*_|\*_*_*) ' ' '
------ --------(* 0 (\( )"        
           (3( )(*) )* )                                   BH
            *"( )'+ "

`--and just take his balls off outside,' the Witch added to one of the 
officers: but the Hatter was out of sight before the officer could get 
to the door.

Citizen B called out to Blackhawk, `is this it for me? I only get one 
line in this chapter, after so many months away, that hardly seems fair 

`Uber-troll' thought Blackhawk and ignored him.

`Call the next witness!' said the MageJaime.

The next witness was the Wench's cook. The cook carried the peeper-box 
in her hand, and Blackhawk guessed who it was, even before the cook got 
into the court, by the way the people near the door began peeping all at 

`Give your evidence,' said the MageJaime.

`Peep,' said the cook.

The MageJaime looked anxiously at the Yellow Peep, who said in a low 
voice, `(peep) Your Majesty must cross-examine this witness (peep).'

`Well, if I must, I must,' the MageJaime said, with a melancholy air, 
and, after folding his arms and frowning at the cook till his eyes were 
nearly out of sight, he said in a deep voice, `What are Peeps made of?'

`Peeper, mostly,' said the cook.

`Can you be more specific?' asked the MageJaime

`Of course' replied the cook, `Peeps contain mostly sugar, corn syrup, 
and gelatin, same as most other marshmallow candies. They do have trace 
amounts of flavoring, coloring, wax, unpronounceable preservatives and 
such. The eyes are carnauba wax. Eyes were once hand-painted. They are 
now applied by machine. There is no scientific explanation for their 
telepathic abilities. CNN reported neither smoking, a dip in liquid 
nitrogen, nor boiling water seem to harm the sturdy birds 

`vicarious ingredients if you ask me,' said a sleepy voice behind her.

`Collar that Mortismouse,' the Witch shrieked out. `Neuter that 
Mortismouse! Turn that Mortismouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch 
him! Off with his whiskers!'

For some minutes the whole court was in confusion, getting the 
Mortismouse turned out, and, by the time they had settled down again, 
the cook had disappeared.

`Never mind!' said the MageJaime, with an air of great relief. `Call the 
next witness.' And he added in an undertone to the Witch, `Really, my 
dear, you must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my 
forehead ache!'

Blackhawk watched the Yellow Peep as he fumbled over the list, feeling 
very curious to see what the next witness would be like, `--for they 
haven't got much evidence yet,' he said to himself. Imagine his 
surprise, when the Yellow Peep read out, at the top of his shrill little 
voice, the name `Blackhawk!'

Next chapter: Blackhawk's Evidence

Exactly when did I jump the snark?


Author's Notes for this chapter

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