Subject:    Duck Dodgers VS The Borg VS Zathras VS Quark VS Neelix
From:       Blackhawk
Date:       Tue, 14 Jul 1998
Message-ID: <>

Captain Infinity wrote:
> That wasn't Walter Koenig, that was Terence Stamp.  
> And the spacechick was Sarah Douglas.
> I call for a new thread:  White Star & Defiant VS Superman.
> Or how about:
> The Silver Surfer VS the Shadows
> Mork VS the Vorlons
> Mighty Mouse VS the bugs from Starship Troopers
                    Blackhawk presents (and quickly runs from):

                             "One Ferengi Night"
> The Borg VS Duck Dodgers
> Zathras VS Quark VS Neelix DEATHMATCH!  (Only one loser remains alive.)

(We open on a planet-scape as DDODGER's ship lands, we slowly zoom in as
he disembarks. Three BORG enter stage left as he plants a flag and

DDODGERS: I claim thith planet for Earthh in the name of "DUCK DODGERS OF 

BORG1:We are Borg. We claim this planet. You will be assimilated.

DDODGERS: Athhhimlated eh? Well athhhimmlate this buthster! Thhhtand
athide bub, or facth thhe wrathh of "DUCK DODGERS OF THE 25THFF AND A
HAFFF THENTURY!!!" (DDODGERS begins a series of twirling motions)

BORG3: Duck Dodgers is irrelevant. (Fires weapon, misses DDODGERS but
knocks his bill off, DDODGERS scrambles to recover it)

MELVIN: (running into scene) I claim this planet in the name of Maahrs,
isn't that *wonderful*!

BORG1: Eliminate him.

(BORG2 fires weapon at MELVIN and knocks him across the stage)

LOR: What am I doing here? I was disassembled in "Descent II".

SUIT: A lot of people at Paramount thought you were a great villain so
we're dropping you in here and we'll come up with an explanation later.

BUGS: Uhh, say Doc, we're making a cartoon here if you don't mind.

SUIT: Oh, sorry, continue.

BORG1: Resistance is futile.

(DDODGERS has replaced his bill on sideways)

DDODGERS: Oh yeah, rethithst thhis athhole!

(DDODGERS stabs BORG2 in the foot with flagpole, BORG2 removes flagpole
and uses it to knock DDODGERS bill off his face again. DDODGERS scrambles
to pick it up)

MELVIN: Oh, nauw you've made me *verry* angrry, I'll have to shoot you
with my raahy gunnn. (fires at Borg who turns into a large Martian).

DDODGERS: (puts bill on wrong side of head) Thay pal, howz about you an me
forming an alianth to beat thhese guys?

MELVIN: Very well Euarth Creeeture, but first we need to create *more*

(MEANWHILE: deep inside the Borg cube orbiting the planet. QUARK, ZATHRUS
and NEELIX prepare to execute QUARK's plan. The three of them are crouched
around a opening in a service tube, the view opens to a narrow hallway
filled with engineering panels. A single Borg is working the panel closest
to our heros.)

QUARK: Now listen carefully you two. When the guard turns his back, I'll
snatch the Illudian PU32 Space Modulator. You guys got that.

ZATHRUS:, but Zathrus will do! Good at doings, not understandings.

NEELIX: Yes Mr. Ferengi sir. But I do have one question if I may. How will
stealing this "space modulator" help us save the people on the surface?

QUARK: Rule of Aquisition 13, "Anything worth doing is worth doing for
money". My plan will save them, disable this ship and let me clean-up in
the Martian making business, I'll explain it all during the last 10
minutes of the show. Listen Zathrus, you go back to the ship and bring the

NEELIX: Say Mr. Zathrus, if you want I can come with you. Maybe we could
find some fresh bugs for you to eat. I know a lovely Telaxian herb that
would go with them. It's also a natural laxative or "Telaxitives" as we
call them. [1]

ZATHRUS: No, it's OK. Zathrus used to being other peoples comedy relief.
Have very sad pseudo-life in this post, probably have very sad
pseudo-death, but at least there is sequel.

NEELIX: You know there is a flower called "Zathrus" on my planet, isn't
that odd?

ZATHRUS: This coming from little hedge-hog man with name like magic cat. 
Must go now, great work to be done! (leaves)

NEELIX: How rude.

QUARK: Well it's your fault for coming from *Telaxia*, Do you know what a
dumb song that makes? "Neelix the Telaxian, the wonderful, wonderful
Telaxian[2]", couldn't they have come up with a better sounding planet?

NEELIX: Well, they almost named me "Sonix from Segaxia", but...shh, I
think the Borg is leaving.

(BORG walks to the end of the corridor and lights a cigarette, QUARK &
NEELIX approach console, QUARK opens a panel labeled "Illudian PU32 Space
Modulator hidden here" on the bottom. He takes off his pants and crawls
1/2 way in. ZATHRUS arrives with the toolbox, stares at QUARK's body
sticking out from inside the panel and mumbles "verrry damaged" under his

ZATHRUS: Zathrus bring tools.

QUARK: Good, hand me the hydrospanner.

ZATHRUS: (holds up a "Voyager" script) Never use this!

QUARK: Just hand me the damn wrench.

ZATHRUS: But wrong tool!

NEELIX: Now Mr. Zathrus, I'm sure he knows what he's doing, don't you Mr.

QUARK: Please just give me the hydrospanner before the end of the post.

(NEELIX hands QUARK the hydrospanner, QUARK makes some unseen adjustments.
A loud farting noise breaks out all around them. Suddenly lights begin to
flash and a series of alarms goes off followed by all the BORG drones
running to the restrooms)

QUARK: What did I do?

ZATHRUS: No one ever listens to poor Zathrus. 

(SOUND of hundreds of toilets flushing in unison, everyone leans left,
then right)

QUARK: This is worse than what they did to me on Buffy!

NEELIX: Oh come now, it's not that bad, what's the worst thing that could

(The BORG cube explodes taking most of the planet with it. When all the
debris clears, there is only a small scrap of the planet left. Perched on
this scrap is DDODGERS. Hanging off the side of this scrap, clinging to
DDODGERS' boots is MELVIN and clinging to his sneakers is ZATHRUS).

DDODGERS: I claim thhis planet for Earthh in the name of "DUCK DODGERS OF 

MELVIN: Oh, bbbbbbig deal! [5]

ZATHRUS: *Not* the one.

<cue "Merry-go-round">
Th^H^H^H^Hats all folks! [4]

Blackhawk [3]
Zathrus can never have anything nice.

[1] I haven't the vaguest idea how to spell Neelix's home planet.
[2] You'll laugh so much your sides will ache, 
    your heart will go pitter-pat.
[3] Groups re-directed
[4] I realize all the Star Trek guys died, 
    but what do expect, it's a WB cartoon. 
[5] The part of Porky Pig was played by Melvin - Melvin rulz!


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