Subject:    Why I hate bagpipes
From:       Captain Infinity
Message-ID: <>

As we all know, most people hate the bagpipes.  Even the Scottish people,
who play them all the time in their parades and at funerals, deep down
hate the bagpipes.  But if you asked someone, "Why do you hate the
bagpipes?" that person would be hard pressed to give you a definite
reason for their hatred.

"Oh, because they sound awful," they might say, or "They sound like
diseased cats being mangled in a rusty trash compactor."  Or they may say
"Because they look like a large squid made out of plaid fabric."

Sure, it's easy enough to say, in general, that the bagpipes are an
insult to the ear and the eye, but who can really nail down the reason
why they are so dreadful?

I can.

It is the constant low-tone drone that underscores every so-called "note"
that is played on them.  Sure, the actual "tunes" the bagpipes play are
aesthetically repulsive in and of themselves, but beneath it all there's
that moaning wail, that endless bass line groan.  It seeps into your
ears, wrapping itself around the cochlea, anvil, and drum.  It drills
into your brain and penetrates your pleasure lobes, undercutting any
enjoyment you may get from "Amazing Grace" or any other song being played
on the rest of the pipes.  It resonates within your pineal gland, causing
it to release the so-called "aarrggh hormones" into your bloodstream.
Eventually you start casting about in helpless automatic reflex, looking
for a pen or pencil or icepick which you can use to stab yourself in the
ears, puncturing your eardrums and bringing glorious surcease from the
hateful, horrid noise.

So the next time you are subjected to bagpipes, bring your attention to
the groan beneath the notes.  Grit your teeth and focus on it.  It won't
make the experience any more pleasant, but it will give you something to
concentrate on while waiting for your ears to stop bleeding.

Captain Infinity
 ..."I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams."  --Butters

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