Subject: Why I hate bagpipes From: Captain Infinity Newsgroups: rec.music.makers.bagpipe,alt.fan.tom-servo,rec.music.celtic Message-ID: <email@example.com> As we all know, most people hate the bagpipes. Even the Scottish people, who play them all the time in their parades and at funerals, deep down hate the bagpipes. But if you asked someone, "Why do you hate the bagpipes?" that person would be hard pressed to give you a definite reason for their hatred. "Oh, because they sound awful," they might say, or "They sound like diseased cats being mangled in a rusty trash compactor." Or they may say "Because they look like a large squid made out of plaid fabric." Sure, it's easy enough to say, in general, that the bagpipes are an insult to the ear and the eye, but who can really nail down the reason why they are so dreadful? I can. It is the constant low-tone drone that underscores every so-called "note" that is played on them. Sure, the actual "tunes" the bagpipes play are aesthetically repulsive in and of themselves, but beneath it all there's that moaning wail, that endless bass line groan. It seeps into your ears, wrapping itself around the cochlea, anvil, and drum. It drills into your brain and penetrates your pleasure lobes, undercutting any enjoyment you may get from "Amazing Grace" or any other song being played on the rest of the pipes. It resonates within your pineal gland, causing it to release the so-called "aarrggh hormones" into your bloodstream. Eventually you start casting about in helpless automatic reflex, looking for a pen or pencil or icepick which you can use to stab yourself in the ears, puncturing your eardrums and bringing glorious surcease from the hateful, horrid noise. So the next time you are subjected to bagpipes, bring your attention to the groan beneath the notes. Grit your teeth and focus on it. It won't make the experience any more pleasant, but it will give you something to concentrate on while waiting for your ears to stop bleeding. ** Captain Infinity ..."I always fall asleep to the sound of my own screams." --Butters
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