Subject:    Re: DejaFUN!
From:       Captain Infinity
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology,alt.wanted.mars.women,alt.sci.joe-bay,alt.infinity
Message-ID: <36324cb7.12849107@news-f.std.com>


In article <70osf7$5ug@dfw-ixnews9.ix.netcom.com>
recook77 wrote:

>Just a fun thing to do with your Dejanews searcher when you have nothing to
>do.  The object is to seek out any and all posts that contain all or 75% of
>the following words and terms:
>
>Lister
>Servo
>The Navy vs. the Night Monsters
>Coffy
>Foxy Brown
>Dexter
>Dee Dee
>Captain Infinity
>Mudhoney
>Babes in Toyland
>Teenage Psycho Meets Bloody Mary
>Golden Turkey Awards
>Dinah Washington
>Prince William
>The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
>Sparky the Minbari Dog
>Tribble
>Milton Bradley
>El DeBarge
>Ed Wood
>Martin Landau
>Wooster
>Jeeves
>Lister
>Rimmer
>Marvin the Paranoid Android

I checked Deja News for an article with all these words, and all I could
find was yours.

This is a situation up with which I will not put.  
I accept your challenge, recookie!


                         Not Playing, With Fire
                                   by
                            Captain Infinity

Once Upon a Time, in a land where people were paid to play, there lived a
small child named Zimzim.  He was very young, too young to get a job
playing, so he had to stay at home and not have fun.  As you can imagine,
this sometimes made him sad.

Zimzim did not have any brothers or sisters, so he was very tempted to
amuse himself.  But he knew that if he did so, his Mommy, Dinah Washington,
and Daddy, Prince William, would get very angry at him...not to mention the
bad-tempered baby-sitter who always kept a pot of water boiling...and who
would threaten to "wash that smile off your face" every time Zimzim thought
of something silly.

So the days went by and Zimzim read the dictionary and watched TV: public
service announcements, paid advertising programs, "The Navy vs. the Night
Monsters", Star Trek Voyager, and other shows that are not fun to watch.

One chilly October day, Zimzim was walking into the TV room with a cup of
coffy, when he tripped over a bump in the rug.  (Foxy Brown, the cat, had
crawled under the rug the previous May and had been unable to find her way
out.  The family had replaced her a few months later with Sparky the
Minbari Dog, who had enough sense to stay out from under the rug, but
refused to drink water from anything other than the toilet bowl.)

The cup flew into the air, landed on the TV set, and spilled.  There was a
loud "SNAPP" with 2 'p's and an enormous blue spark jumped onto Daddy's
collection of Star Trek memorabilia.  A synthetic Tribble immediately burst
into flame.

"Are you having fun in there?" the baby-sitter, whose name was Dee Dee
Dexter, called from the parents room, where she was inspecting Mommy and
Daddy's dresser drawers, looking for some KY Jelly to lubricate the
curious-looking vibrator she had found.  (She knew what it was--last month
she had been to a pajama party at a girlfriend's house, and several of the
attendees had brought their own.  They now referred to it as a "Babes In
Toyland" night, and held them weekly--but she was puzzled as to why the box
labeled it a "Mudhoney Rimmer".)

"N-n-no," stammered Zimzim.  "No fun here."

"That's good, I wouldn't want to have to blanch you this early in the day.
You remember that!"  Dee Dee went back to her search, hoping that she would
find the KY before the TV in the parent's room finished showing the music
video "7" by The Artist Formerly Known as Prince.  Something about his
greasy complexion and prissy mustache gave her the heeve jeeves, and made
her wooster wet.

"I will," Zimzim replied.  

Then, as an afterthought, "Umm.  The house is on fire."

Several hours later things had calmed down.  The fire was out, the Firemen
had left, and Dee Dee was performing act three of "Teenage Psycho Meets
Bloody Mary"...even though the level of Vodka in Daddy's bottle was visibly
low and there was no way she could safely water it up without him noticing
the loss of taste.  She chugged it down anyway, predicting that she'd only
come in second in the Golden Turkey Awards when he got home.

"Whurr are you, you liddle brAT!" she exclaimed at one point.

A muffled sound came from the hall closet.  "Oh yeh," she thought, "thass
whurr I puddim!"

Dee Dee opened the closet and untied Zimzim.  "Lister to me, you lil
bradd," she snurgled, "You are in beg trubble.  Ef yew think *I'm* gonn
tayg the blame for diss, you bedder fuGGEDIT!  Are you lister too me?"

"uh huh," Zimzim said meekly, in lower case.

"EYE AIN KIDDUN!" Dee Dee screamed in all caps.  "Yoo set the hows on
FIYUH!  I shud whup you til yer liddle azz izz martin!  Landau milkin hunny
this job wuss for me undill this!  Oh, el.  Debarge right troo the front
door wid their axis, even tho it wuzz unlogged.  BASTIDS!  Wadda dammidge
evvuhwhere.  Loog!  Juss loog at ed!  Wood all burndt and schtained.  SHID!
NO TIB FOR ME TUNNITE!!"

Zimzim, eyes shut tight against her fury, hugged his Marvin the Paranoid
Android doll tightly and prayed that she would not boil him.  After several
moments of silence, he carefully squeaked one eyelid open a slit, and saw
that Dee Dee had passed out on the floor.

Not knowing what else to do, he sat in front of the charred TV, and hugged
his doll a little tighter.

Carefully keeping a solemn face, he turned his thoughts inward, imagining
himself in a vast playground where the land was shaped like a Milton
Bradley game board.  In his mind, he romped and played with Tom Servo and
Crow, whom he only knew as voices that drifted into his bedroom from his
parent's TV.

Sitting in ashes while his baby-sitter lay in a pool of her own vomit,
Zimzim rocked gently back and forth, playing for free in his mind, and
waited for Mommy and Daddy to come home.

** 
Captain Infinity
 ...some portions of this story are not true


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