Heck!


Heck's posts make you think. And think. And think some more, until thinking is painful, at which point you'll generally heave an enormous sigh and move on to download new headers from some other newsgroup. If you're anything like me, that is.

Except this isn't always true. Sometimes they're marvelously entertaining, and I start wishing he would post more often than he does.

Casually making such a wish is dangerous, because sometimes wishes come true...and there I am, back at a different group. So I'm grateful to Heck for entertaining me, and for getting me out of AFT-S every once in a while.

Keep reading, you'll see what I mean. Here are some of my favorite Heck posts. Some special ones can be found here.


Subject:    Re: Ending
From:       heck.appended.to.foil.spam@acm.org (heck)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <346632a2.8744071@news.erols.com>


(Captain Infinity) wrote:

>See http://www.catenema.com/cat1.html for an
>example of how I can make a fool of someone.

OK.  How is the sordid tale of the cat enema an example of how you
made a fool of someone?


I don't think he ever got the joke.


Subject:    Re: To R. Holland, F. Thaxton, H. Bosch, T. Fuller: 
          "The Deconstruction , of Falling Stars."
From:       heck.appended.to.foil.spam@acm.org (heck)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,rec.arts.sf.tv,rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5,alt.tv.babylon-5
Message-ID: <347766b7.796994@news.erols.com>

(De Castellvi Jaime M) wrote:

>I dunno how you did it but it ain't funny.  Ever since I downloaded this
>post of yours into my hard drive, my computer's speakers have been making
>these weird noises and my keyboard is sluggish as a marshmallow.  My virus
>checker says there is some kind of virus but it can neither identify the
>type nor remove it.

Check your Jerri Ryan JPGs.  Every one of them now has a marshmallow
peep where once was your virginal imagination.

"Just try and talk when your tongue isn't free."
-- From The Frequently Questioned Answers of AFTS, 0.901th edition


Subject:    Re: why I won't be moderated
From:       heck.appended.to.foil.spam@acm.org (heck)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <3487ae7d.2755086@news.erols.com>


(Captain Infinity) wrote:

>In article <348855cd.50218408@news.magicnet.net>
(LisaB) wrote :
>
>>So many posters have asked you, "if you don't care for the show, it's
>>creator, or it's followers, why bother?"  
>>
>>I don't think you've ever given a substantive answer.
>
>And why should he?
>
>Why should *anyone* have to justify their usenet postings to anyone else?
>
>Questioning someone's purpose for posting is just one step removed from
>finding reasons why that person should *not* post.  Every time I see
>someone say "If you hate it so much, why do you always bitch about it?" I
>flinch, knowing they're just one step up the illogical chain of thought
>that makes people say "I don't like what you are saying, so shut up."
>
>Too many people questioning motives.  Too many people trying to shut other
>people up.  Strange situation, in that tools are readily available to avoid
>reading posts by people you don't care to read, the primary one being your
>own human brain.
>
>Here, see how this feels:
>"Hey, LisaB...if you don't care to read Ford Thaxton's posts or the author, why
>bother?"
>
>Please don't read that as anything other than a hypothetical.  I don't care
>what you read, or what you post.  Same for Ford, or anyone.  Everyone has
>their own reasons for reading/writing usenet, and I know that those reasons
>are none of my business or concern.  As for me, I'll read what I want,
>ignore what I want, write what I want, post what I want, post where I want.
>It's a very free-feeling experience; you might want to try it sometime.  
>
>Instead of questioning other people motivations in a mocking half-disguised
>attempt to get them to stop doing something that annoys you.  But that's
>just a suggestion.  If doing that is what gets you off, go for it.
>
>** 
>Captain Infinity
> ...Hey, whataya know?  I got through a whole post without one stupid joke!

The whole post is a joke:  If you don't care what people post and want
them to post whatever they want, why do you intrude on their wills to
tell them they should post whatever they want and let others do so,
too?  Better leave them alone so that they can post whatever they
want, undisturbed and uninfluenced by an awareness, however slight, of
what you want.

So, I think your post is probably a labyrinthine joke, and I think
your opinion on the matter is that they should want to do whatever
they might want with as free a feeling as you want.  You want everyone
to be as free as you want to be, so that you, too, can be free.  If
few people want to be free, the great majority of constrained and
conflicted people can only bring down or disparage your peeping desire
for freedom.

Be free, Infinity, live up to your name.


Yoicks! Heck spanked me for spanking Lisa! How does he manage to make such good points, with his head so far up his butt? Ah, the mysteries of Usenet.


Subject:    Re: ORDERS FOR THE KAMIKAZE PEEP SQUAD
From:       heck.appended.to.foil.spam@acm.org (heck)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <349023c1.12463367@news.erols.com>


Ben Matterson 
wrote:

>John Keegan wrote:
> 
>> But what I want to know is, how's bringing the hard
>> liqour and naked women on this jihad???  Can't have
>> a decent jihad without some liqour and women!  (Oh,
>> and some men too, I guess, for the ladies of the KPS!)
>
>I am not bringing in any mind altering substances (women) into this
>situation, nor am I bringing alcohol, until I get some clarification as
>to the aims and target of this jihad. 

What are you talking about?  A jihad.  We'll burn a few houses,
confiscate property, run laughing and yelling through the streets
breaking windows.  We'll get uniforms, learn new slogans, throw out old
music, buy new music, so on, you know, a jihad.


This next one is a wonderful example of Heck's ability to wrestle your brain to the ground with a stranglehold. You may want to jump to here. No? Oh, well, it's your brain.


Subject:    Re: !!!!hack,warez,mp3,crack,serial,pamela anderson suck mpeg!!!
From:       heck.appended.to.foil.spam@acm.org (heck)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <3498a80b.4498541@news.erols.com>


(Blackhawk)
wrote:

>In article <66upfp$7b7$927@newsfeed.onet.pl>, megan wrote:
>
>> (snipping some ULR that would undoubtbly get you all kinds of XXX SPAM)
>
>Even scarier than this spam is how well the header fit's in here.
>
>I was sure heck had written it for some reason...
>
>**
>Blackhawk
>For more good header call 1-900-444-4MQS and ask for "Spike".

No, I didn't write it.  I didn't see it, either.  I see from Deja News
that it was moosed.  Also, I used that number as an IP address and found
a "Terry and the Pirates" tribute.

Not scary merely because it fit in well, but, more seriously, because we
have lowered our defenses against the outrageous.  This is another
consequence of the massive propagation of information that the Internet
enables.  I've written before about how it's much less likely now that
what you read is true and can be relied upon (Loosening Veracity).

This is more serious a consequence because it interferes with the
ability to make reasonable and reliable judgements.  The proliferation
of unreliable information affects judgement in its substance, or, in a
sense, its tools, namely, you have less with which to work.

Desensitization to the outrageous, the horrific, the blatantly
dangerous, and so forth, makes it much harder to find one's way, and for
societies to find their ways, in a sea of danger and darkness.

Think about bad decisions you may have made.  When did that decision
start?  Like in evaluation and treatment of schizophrenia, for example,
there is an event that is coincident with the psychotic breakdown, as
there is with a bad choice, but to treat the damaged person and to
rectify a problematic situation, you have to look back to the roots of
the problem.  Failure to recognize the outrageous as such, and, more
generally, failure to see a thing for what it is, is a basic kernel of
the inability to make good judgements.


For all his concerns about "Loosening Veracity", in the next post, a valiant effort to further the Peep meme, Heck does some outrageous lying^H^H^H^H^Htrollerizing.


Subject:    Re: Question for B5 Trivia Buffs - help please!!
From:       heck.appended.to.foil.spam@acm.org (heck)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5,alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <34a18c54.8464295@news.erols.com>


Scott Rae
wrote:

>Captain Infinity wrote:
>> 
>> In article <67f7bp$dc$1@uni00nw.unity.ncsu.edu>
>> Lloyd Carroll wrote :
>> 
>> >I am planning a local premiere party, and am making up an invitation.
>> >
>> >I want to put at the bottom a little parenthetical quote of something
>> >G'Kar said.  It was about a food common to nearly all races in the
>> >galaxy - he claims that nearly all of them have some version of it, and
>> >they are very similar.  He is sitting at a table eating with someone
>> >else.
>> 
>> The food is Marshmallow Peeps.  The Narn call them "Breen".
>> 
>> The episode is from Season 3, "Walkabout".
>> 
>> The listener is Na'Kal.
>> 
>> "It's a strange thing, but every sentient race has it own version of
>> these "Peeps". I suspect it's one of those great universal mysteries,
>> which will either never be explained or which would drive you mad if
>> you ever learned the truth."
>> 
>> **
>> Captain Infinity
>
>I remember it as "Swedish Meatballs", not Peeps.  Are you sure it was
>peeps or are you just trying to play games and get your version onto the
>invitations as a joke?
>
>Scott

I remember it as "Peeps", not mentioning the marshmallow.  This was when
I began posting to rastb5, so I remember it very clearly.  Robert
Holland was incensed over how JMS had used peeps in the story though JMS
had said on numerous occasions that he would never plug a product on the
show nor implicitly endorse "unhealthy" foods.


Heck likes to post the occasional binary. They're always amusing, although generally "on-topic". (I don't hold that against him, though.) Here, Heck gets creative with the Peep meme:


Subject:    Re: Mix up?
From:       heck.JUNKMAIL_FOIL@acm.org (Heck)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <34d68a29.1143326@news.erols.com>


(Captain Infinity) wrote:

>Captain Infinity
> ...when I edit *my* scripts, I use a big red *crayon*

I made you a card.

brc.gif - 36.1 K


Later, Heck got some synapses crossed when posts to alt.fan.furry were crossed into AFT-S, resulting in a squirrel/peep synthesis that still frightens me.


Subject:    Re: Ding Dong, The <Spoiler> is Dead!
From:       heck.junkfoil@acm.org (Heck)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5,alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <3527d1e1.643362@news.erols.com>


(Captain Infinity) wrote:

>In article <6g6uqf$71r@nnrp2.farm.idt.net>
>SpaceTrucker wrote:
>
>>PS: I keep trying to warn you not to give plot ideas to the Voyager
>>people... I bet they've been on the horn all day making tie in deals
>>with the Publisher's Clearinghouse people, who by now are deparate   
>>because they can't send misleading junk mail to old people anymore,
>>and with Babylon Productions, who by now are desparate because
>>Theron's rantings are causing the Season V (for "5") ratings to
>>plummet faster than the Titanic with the Challenger up it's ass.
>>Won't you feel like a rube the next time you're in an airport, and a
>>bunch of goths dressed like Byron buttonhole you into buying
>>Publisher's Clearinghouse magazines to help their poor, dead mothers,
>>and you aren't even getting any royalties?? 
>
>Oh heck, the Star Trek people have been stealing my ideas for years now.
>Who do you think thunk up that whole "Gene Roddenberry being dead" schtick?
>
>Yep.  I pitched the idea of the "Dead Bird of the Galaxy" to Paramount almost
>a decade ago.  They said they'd call.  Next thing I know, he's being shot up
>in a rocket, and what do *I* get?  Bupkus, that's what.
>
>Hmph.  Hollywood.  Schmucks.
>
>** 
>Captain Infinity
> ...I have no respect for the living; why should the dead fare any better?

I believe that's "bupkis", plural of "buppk".  If living on Earth is
going to get any better, we are all going to have to stop threatening
the environment and focus on squirrels.  In the wild, they are fine,
contributing members of this or that ecosystem.  In urban areas, they
are fine, scavenging garbage in and near parks.  They don't threaten
concrete or brick structures.   It is in the bedroom communities, the
suburban areas, that squirrels are a scourge.

This would be a call for violence against squirrels, if it could only
stop the them.  But, they have behind them forces that can no longer be
affected by eradication or, even, murder.

Despite that, I have my .22 rifle with custom soft-nosed, hollow-point
bullets.  These creatures are driving me crazy.  This is no place for
squirrels to excavate a hole visible from space.  Back to wilds, back to
the cities, stay away of our carefully manicured communities.  Or you
will be dropped where you chitter.

Peep, you little devils.


Here's another example of Heck's artwork. The "Jerry Doyle Bathrobe with Holy Kosh Hat". Marvelous. This one cracks me up.


Subject:    Re: OT: Harassing TV Creators - jerry doyle bathrobe model 2.JPG
From:       heck.junkfoil@acm.org (Heck)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv,alt.tv.earth-final-conflict,alt.fan.tom-servo,rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
Message-ID: <35a52cb2.5043993@news.erols.com>


WWS wrote:

>Captain Infinity wrote:
>> 
>> Matthew Milam wrote:
>> 
>> >Podkayne Fries wrote in message <35a03fd6.19286377@news.buckeyenet.net>...
>> >>On Sun, 05 Jul 1998 21:59:54 -0400, Troy-Heagy, High Priest
>> >>of the First Online Temple of JMS, wrote:
>> >>
>> >>
>> >>[1]  I know whereof I speak.  I am a minor-league antispammer and am
>> >>mailbombed about once every two months.  Open your mailbox and find
>> >>thousands of huge .jpgs, and you soon learn how to deal with this
>> >>stuff.
>> >>
>> >
>> >Considering your title, I think i know why you get mailbombed.
>> >
>I think he believes that she is the High Priest of the First Online 
>Temple of JMS, and THAT is pretty FUNNI!
>> 
>> Yeah, and look at the way she's *dressed*!  She's just asking for it!
>> 
>I suppose if she was wearing the Sacred Jerry Doyle bathrobe along
>with the Holy Kosh Hat, she WOULD be asking for it!
>
>> **
>> Captain Infinity
>>  ..."Can someone fill in the blanks for me?"
>>        --M. Milam, in <uf8BFPgq9GA.225@upnetnews03>
>
>Be wary around a man with Archives.  There was a Star Trek episode,
>"Return of the Archives".  With a computer named Londo.

jerry_doyle_bathrobe_model_2.gif - 13.2 K


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