Subject:    *SEASON FINALE* America Held in a Hostil;
         Day 6565 - Over the Rainbow and Into the Fire
         with Carrie is "The Gift" because All Good Things...
From:       Blackhawk
Message-ID: <>

My part in this entire "Citizen B troll", from begining to end, is
dedicated to the memory of Cronan Thompson, a student who often bested his

In article <>, Heck wrote:
> All abored.

[NOTE: The part of "Toto" is played by Tapioca Puddinhead]

                   * This series finale is intended for *
                   * our mature viewers. It contains    *
                   P satire of Buffy and other series   P 
                   E finales, movies and @#$%Harkonans. E
                   E So if you read this and feel       E
                   P "spoiled" later - too bad!         P
                   ! It's also very long and filled     !
                   * with lovely ASCII illustrations    *
                   * that require viewing in a fixed    *
                   * bitch font.                        *
                   *************Deal with it*************

First, a word from our sponsor. [1]

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over 2.5 million barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers faces. Crude
oil can be shipped via mammoth supertanker, in order to utilize our
countries vast supplies of yet untapped natural resources.

And here in Milan Italy, an affiliate of ARGON has developed a way to
reclaim oil from the discarded combs of local residents. Enough to fill an
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And for the future, the promise of capturing over 40 trillion cubic feet
of natural gas, has brought us to this taco stand in Beaumont Texas and
this unique recycling method.

At ARGON, we're working to keep your money."


[Fade in, telephone lines in space, sounds of modems and cackling chatter]

NARR: The Servo project was our last best hope for a good time. 

      It failed. 

      But it became something more, our last best hope for PARODY!

            ____   ____   ____@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ___    ____ __  __
           | () ) / () \ | () )| () )| |__ |  -|  / () \|  \| |
           |_()_)/__/\__\|_()_)|_()_)|____||__-|  \____/|_|\__|
                              @@@@.    .@@@@
                           BH   '@@@@@@@@'

[ESTABLISHING SHOTS: The dark funnel cloud from the last episode spins and
churns across time and space and deposits JON [2] in a large darkened
chamber with a single beam of light shining down into the center. JON
walks into the light]

JON: Where are you? Show yourselves!

[A spotlight illuminates a glass case containing a statue of BLACKHAWK in
his 1945, double-breasted uniform. The eyes in the hawk emblem on his
chest glow when he speaks]

BLACKHAWK(BH): We are here. We do not understand you. We have wished only
the best for you. We have only wanted to help you.

JON: You've destroyed whole *topics*!?

BH: The other is a disease. You have given us the opportunity to eliminate
it, I am grateful. Why do you oppose me?

JON: Because I don't like being used, or lied to. 

BH: We have not lied. Our goal is the same as yours, to destroy the darkness.

JON: Then why haven't you struck at them directly? [pregnant pause] You
don't want to answer that one do you? You see, I finally understood the
rules of this war when I saw your "uber-trolls" in action. YOU'VE HAD THE

BH: You do not understand.

JON: I do understand... And that's what has got you worried, isn't it? 
The Vogons said, "Trolling is a three-edged sword. Yours, mine and the point." 
Well the point is we don't need you anymore.

[A spotlight illuminates a glass case containing a statue of CITIZEN B..
He is dressed in 100% hemp, has shoulder length hair and wears a button
that says "Defending a voters right to choose" that glows when he talks]

CITIZEN B.(CB): The Blackhawks stand for order, above anything else. No
passion, no dreams, just discipline. They're frozen in time, an
evolutionary dead end! Why side with the old? Embrace the new! Growth
through pain and struggle, even flame wars! You above anyone else should
understand this?! Your group came out of the last flame war stronger,
better. How much better? How much better will they be after this one? You
will rise from the ashes with a strength and power beyond imagination!

JON: Until you do it to us again!

CB.: It is a cycle. It is the farce of his story itself. You cannot win
against that. I have embraced it. Helped it along, by creating conflict.
Weak trolls die. Strong trolls ARE MADE EVEN STRONGER! Evolution must be
served. There is no other way.

JON: No! That is what *you* want us to believe! That's why you're really
doing this. That's why you're targeting trolls who support the Shadows and
not Zha'Ha'Bore'Dum itself. You don't want to kill the messenger, you just
want to kill the message! Make it harder for others to "get" us. Guarantee
that we do things "your" way.

After all, if you destroy the trolls, they'll never see who won. They'll
never see that you were right and they were wrong. It's about ideology.

CB.: Of course, what isn't?  Order versus Chaos. Choose one.

JON: Yes... Choose. But only from the choices *you* give us. Don't you see
that this is WRONG! When the other "First Ones" passed beyond the rim, you
stayed behind, as guardians, shepherds for the newer and infrequent
irregulars. But you've lost your way. This isn't about teaching us or

You're trying to *force us* to decide which of you is right (even though
left is better)! You're like a couple of parents arguing in front of their
kids, manipulating them, trying to get them to take sides. Not for their
benefit, but yours! But what if the right choice, is not to choose at all?
What if we refuse to choose and simply walk away?

CB.: You cannot do that!

JON: The war will never end.

CB: That is correct.

JON: Then there is no hope.

CB: There is only Chaos and Evolution.

BH: There is only Order and Obedience. You will do as you are told.

CB.: You will fight! Because we tell you to fight.

BH: You will troll for us when we tell you to troll for us. 
    There is no other way

JON: That's where you're wrong. I can stand on my own now. I don't need
you anymore! In other words,

 _   _  _____        __   ____ _____ _____   _____ _   _ _____ 
| \ | |/ _ \ \      / /  / ___| ____|_   _| |_   _| | | | ____|
|  \| | | | \ \ /\ / /  | |  _|  _|   | |     | | | |_| |  _|  
| |\  | |_| |\ V  V /   | |_| | |___  | |     | | |  _  | |___ 
|_| \_|\___/  \_/\_/     \____|_____| |_|     |_| |_| |_|_____|
 _   _ _____ _     _        ___  _   _ _____    ___  _____   __  ____   __
| | | | ____| |   | |      / _ \| | | |_   _|  / _ \|  ___| |  \/  \ \ / /
| |_| |  _| | |   | |     | | | | | | | | |   | | | | |_    | |\/| |\ V / 
|  _  | |___| |___| |___  | |_| | |_| | | |   | |_| |  _|   | |  | | | |  
|_| |_|_____|_____|_____|  \___/ \___/  |_|    \___/|_|     |_|  |_| |_|  
  ____ ___  __  __ ____  _   _ _____ _____ ____  _ 
 / ___/ _ \|  \/  |  _ \| | | |_   _| ____|  _ \| |
| |  | | | | |\/| | |_) | | | | | | |  _| | |_) | |
| |__| |_| | |  | |  __/| |_| | | | | |___|  _ <|_|
 \____\___/|_|  |_|_|    \___/  |_| |_____|_| \_(_)

JON: You're still here?

CB: Yep
BH: 'Fraid so.

JON: Why?

BH: JDN and Cap always hated this ending. As our parting gift, we give you
the ability to experience all the possible outcomes of this flame war and
to chose one.

JON: I knew you were going to do this.

CB: Shut up, we're all the same person.

JON: Oh I get it now, you're saying all this trolling has just been all
about me. How egotistical.

BH: Shut up!

JON: This is really about some old froup dinosaur throwing his weight
around isn't it?


CB: Cue the effects guy.

  [XF]             _  _                      _  _
                 /` \/ `\                  /` \/ `\
            _  _ \      / _  _        _  _ \      / _  _
          /` \/ `\'.  .'/` \/ `\    /` \/ `\'.  .'/` \/ `\
          \      /  \/  \      /    \      /  \/  \      /
      _  _ '.  .'        '.  .' _  _ '.  .'        '.  .' _  _
    /` \/ `\ \/            \/ /` \/ `\ \/            \/ /` \/ `\
    \      /                  \      /                  \      /
     '.  .' _   _         _  _ '.  .' _   _         _  _ '.  .'
       \/ /` \/` \      /` \/ `\ \/ /` \/` \      /` \/ `\ \/
          \      / _  _ \      /    \      / _  _ \      /
           '.  .'/` \/ `\'.  .'      '.  .'/` \/ `\'.  .'
             \/  \      /  \/          \/  \      /  \/
                  '.  .'                    '.  .'
              jgs   \/                        \/  C.I.         [3]

( ">PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>
(> )>eeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>

It is a bright sunny Spring day. It is Tuesday, after lunch. Citizen B.
walks slowly across soft green grass. He is carrying flowers through a
graveyard. He approaches a tombstone and kneels down to place the flowers
near the headstone.

The sky suddenly darkens. The diseased, rotting hands of the corpse of WWS
bursts through moist earth and catches Citizen B. by the throat. The
Citizen B begins screaming, the scene begins spinning and as it stops we
find Citizen B. still screaming, but now in a straight jacket. Locked in
an asylum, completly mad, forever.



( ">PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>
(> )>eeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>

[The past and present versions the group explode as they lose containment.
Waves of trollporal energy buffet the remaining version of the Servoprize
as they attempt to close the trollporal anomaly.]


DATAWUHS: The anomaly has nearly collapsed.

GEORMIE (pronounced "whore-may"): We're losing containment and I gotta
take a dump.

"B": Good bye Blackhauk, I'm gonna miss you. You had such potential. But
then all good things must come to an end.

[Servoprize explodes]

                           __,-~~/~    `---.
                         _/_,---(      ,    )
                     __ /        <    /   )  \___
      - ------===;;;'====------------------===;;;===----- -  -
                        \/  ~"~"~"~"~"~\~"~)~"/
                        (_ (   \  (     >    \)
                         \_( _ <         >_>'
                            ~ `-i' ::>|--"
                               <|i::|i|`.                     dwb
                              (` ^'"`-' ")           

[Captain Blackhauk, kneeling on the floor in terror from the length of
this post[4], finds himself in the courtroom once again. He is with the
mysterious entity known only as "B", dressed as his judge.]

B: The First Ones didn't think you had it in you Blackhauk. But I knew you did.

CAP. BH: Are you saying it worked? We collapsed the anomaly?

B: Is that all this meant to you? Just another trollporal anomaly, just
another day at the office?


B: Well you're here aren't you. You're talking to me aren't you?

CAP. BH: What about the group?

B: The anomaly, the group, I suppose you're worried about the memes too?
Well to put your mind at ease, you've saved the Usenet... Again.

CAP. BH: Thank you

B: For what?

CAP. BH: For helping me get out of this.

B: I was the one who got you into it. A "directive" from the First Ones.
The part about the "helping hand" though, was my idea.


CAP. BH: I certainly hope this is the last time I find myself here.

B: You just don't get it Blackhauk, do you? The trial never ends. We
wanted to see if you had the ability to expand your mind and your horizons
and for one brief moment, you did.

CAP. BH: When I realized the paradox.

B: Exactly. For that one fraction of a second, you were open to options
you never considered. THAT is the exploration that awaits you. Not
composing witty posts and studying trolls, but the charting of the unknown
possibilities of expression!

CAP. BH: B, what is it you're trying to tell me?

[B moves in to whisper something, then thinks better of it]

B: You'll find out, I'll be watching. And if you're very lucky, you'll see
me from time to time. See you OUT THERE!


[Blackhauk bolts awake in his bed. Throwing on a bathrobe, he runs to the
door and out into the corridor. There he encounters HECKORF (Member of the
savage and confusing Veraciton race) and COUNSELLOR WITCH]

CAP. BH: What day is it?

HECKORF: Stardate 47988, but date is relative in a fantasmagorical world

CAP. BH: X-mas day? You mean I haven't missed it! The Spirits must have
done it all in one night!

HECKORF: Sir? Are you feeling copacetic?

COUNSELLOR WITCH: I think he's been hitting the Spice again. Look, his
eyes are all blue.

CAP. BH: I'll see you later, I have to find a large turkey.

CONS. WITCH: You're not looking very hard.

CAP. BH: Oh shut up.

[CUT TO: Stock footage of the Servoprize on fly by]

CAP. BH: Captains log, 9 inches, supplemental. Star Peep command reports
all quiet along the neural zone. No one appears to remember recent events.
I am relieved.

[CUT TO: The trolling room. DATAWUHS, Commander William (Bill) INFINITY,
HECKORF, DR. LISA B. Crusher and GEORMIE are preparing to set trolls for
the new week and are gathered around the "cool table".

INFINITY: Any time now Doctor?

[LISA B moves the thread over to INFINITY]

LISA B.: I'm out, I gotta check on the little ones soon anyway.

HECKORF: That's the 4th time in a row Infinity, if one could conceive of
four rows of an infinity. The vercipitude of these events does not shorten
their horizon.

GEORMIE: Is he supposed to make sense?

LISA B.: Shhh!

HECKORF: I meant, how does he do it?

INFINITY: I cheat... KIDDING! <--------- :) :) :)

LISA B.: You know, I was thinking about what Blackhauk said about the
future. About how we all changed and drifted apart. Why would he want to
tell us all what's to come.

GEORMIE: It goes against everything he has represented all these years. Of
course anything that might prevent Waylands' next six experiences of
marital bliss, might be considered a blessing of it's own. Excuse me, I
gotta use the john.


DATAWUHS: I believe this situation is unique. Since B's trolling did not
occur. There have already been changes in this timeline. The future we
experience will undoubtedly be different from the one Blackhauk

INFINITY: Maybe that's why he told us. Knowing what happens in that
future, allows us to change things now. So that some things never happen.


JDN: I still haven't figured out why Mortis digs GEORMIE's visor? I mean
they made it from a hair barrette for chrissake!


[DOORBELL rings]



COUNS. WITCH: Am I too late?

INFINITY: Not at all, pull up a chair.

DATAWUHS: OK, it's a Voyager troll, Sci-Fi references wild.

[Doorbell rings]


[Blackhauk enters, there is a pregnant pause]

INFINITY: Is there a problem sir?

CAP. BH: No, I uhh... Just thought I might join you. 
         Anyone want a Turkey sandwich?

INFINITY (grabbing chair): Of course! Pull up a seat!

DATAWUHS: Would you care to bait the "hook" sir?

CAP. BH: Oh... Thank you Mr. Datawuhs. 
         I used to be quite a troller in my youth you know.

[Grins all around. MUSIC SWELLS}

CAP.BH (starting to choke up): I should have done this a long time ago...

CONS. WITCH: You were always welcome.

CAP.BH (wiping a tear): So, the troll is "Something I wonder about...
Butter?", everything wild and the sky's the limit!

[CUT TO: Stock footage of the Servoprize on fly by, CREDITS, CUE FX]


( ">PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>
(> )>eeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>

[CITIZEN B. catches a sharp right hook in jaw from one of WWS' MINIONs, he
falls back across the narrow platform atop the steel tower. BLACKHAWK,
still in chains watches helplessly. Blood begins to run from the gashes in
his chest. CITIZEN B. Smashes into a girder and slowly rises to his feet.
As the MINION charges, CITIZEN B. does a somersault over his head, lands
behind him and then kicks the MINION in the nuts. As the MINION stumbles,
CITIZEN B. pushes him over the ledge.]


CITIZEN B. Moves to release BLACKHAWK from his chains, the blood dripping
from BLACKHAWK's shoes begins to tear the fabric separating the Usenet.
Uber-Trolls and Stalkers from a.a.v.f.f.f. and Karl Malden's nose begin
pouring through the gaps. 

Shouts of...

"You will *kneel* before your master, BWA HAA HAA!" 
   \    __.,,------.._
     ,'"   _      _   "`.                              [Uber-Troll}
    /.__, ._  -=- _"`    Y
   (.____.-.`      ""`   j
    VvvvvvV`.Y,.    _.,-'       ,     ,     , 
        Y    ||,   '"\         ,/    ,/    ./ 
        |   ,'  ,     `-..,'_,'/___,'/   ,'/   ,
   ..  ,;,,',-'"\,'  ,  .     'Herbie'W""' '--,/    .. ..
 ,'. `.`---'     `, /  , Y -=-    ,'   ,   ,. .`-..||_|| ..
ff\\`. `._        /f ,'j j , ,' ,   , f ,  \=\ Y   || ||`||_..
l` \` `.`."`-..,-' j  /./ /, , / , / /l \   \=\l   || `' || ||...
 `  `   `-._ `-.,-/ ,' /`"/-/-/-/-"'''"`.`.  `'.\--`'--..`'_`' || ,
            "`-_,',  ,'  f    ,   /      `._    ``._     ,  `-.`'//         ,
          ,-"'' _.,-'    l_,-'_,,'          "`-._ . "`. /|     `.'\ ,       |
        ,',.,-'"          \=) ,`-.         ,    `-'._`.V |       \ // .. . /j
        |f\\               `._ )-."`.     /|         `.| |        `.`-||-\\/
        l` \`                 "`._   "`--' j          j' j          `-`---'
         `  `                     "`_,-','/       ,-'"  /
                                 ,'",__,-'       /,, ,-'
                                 Vvv'            VVv'

                     -=> Philip Kaulfuss <=-

...fill the air.

CB. (removing the chains):  That only took a small amount of exposition.
Wimpy minions you get these days.

BH: I thought there should be nine more of them?

CB.: That's a "minyan" you dope.

[A six foot long ANSI .sig flies past, just missing their heads]

BH: We're too late B. I have to throw myself into the void, it's the only
way to close the, uhm... oh hell... the fuckin HOLE! There I've said it.
You know, a hole is a stationary causer of damage.  You have to go to it
and fall over it.  A recklessly placed nail on your step is a hole.

CB: Is that supposed to mean something?

BH: I'm not sure, Heck told me that once.

CB.: Never mind, I said I'd protect you and I will. We share the same
user, the HOLE will take me just as well as you. And you see... *Death is
my gift!*

BH: Man... That's corny.

CITIZEN B.: Oh shut up, this is our big finish.

[CITIZEN B. dives over the side into the void. As the door begins to
close, all the nasty denizens of the net are sucked back to their
respective groups ]

CITIZEN B.: WWS YOU CONSERVATIVE BASTARD! From hells mouth, I spit at thee!

[WWS swoops down onto the platform]

WWS: Bye loser! If you Californians had listened to me months ago you

[BLACKHAWK pushes WWS off the platform]


[WWS falls into the swirling void] 

WWS: "I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! I had visions
of such extraordinary magnitude!"

[GILES reaches the top of the tower and approaches.]

GILES: They're dead. You've killed them.

BH: I didn't mean to. But they *really* annoyed me.

GILES: Now you are our leader. You get Citizen B.'s computer and ISP.

BH: All I wanna do is go home. Back to aft-s...

GILES: Silly boy, you've had the power to do that all along. Simply close
your eyes, tap your heals together three times and say "There's no trolls
like home"!

BH (clicking his ruby slippers together): There's no trolls like home,
There's no trolls like home, There's no trolls like home...

[The winds swirl around Blackhawk carrying him away in a large funnel
cloud. The scene shifts to the aft-s farmhouse where the story began. In
the bedroom, Blackhawk is surrounded by friends as he wakes...]

INFINITY: Blackhawk, Wake up Blackhawk!

BH: Huh? What happened? Auntie Infinity? TOTO!

TOTO: ARF, ARF! (translation; give me a cookie)

BH: I'm home at last!

INFINITY (applying a compress): Too much Spice. You passed out.

WWS: You must have had a bad dream.

BH: No, I was there...

J.: Where? How can you be in two places at once, 
    when you're not anywhere at all? Must be the meds again...

BH: I was this left wing revolutionary causing havoc on Usenet. And Lot42
was there, and Poddy, and, oh, what's his name...Tyler! All of you were
there... Maybe it was just a dream.

LORI: And quite a nasty one.

MORTIS: Too much Spice if you ask me.

MR. HOLE: I'd say you had a vision of extraordinary magnitude!

THE WITCH: What was it like?

BH: Some people were nice, some were just awful, and everywhere I went I
just kept telling people I wanted to come home. Sure was real...

INFINITY (while palming his Star Peep communicator from his pinafore): 
I know dear, but what have you learned?

BH: Well, I guess I learned that you can search all over for a good light
hearted bunch to troll... But you don't have to look any further than


JDN: What a load of piffle.

                      [CUE MUSIC: "Over the Trollhead"]

                      Posting, over the trollhead,
                      While I'm high.
                      There's a meme that I've heard of,
                      Once in Kibology.

                      Somewhere, over the dead heads,
                      No pants fly.
                      And the dreams that you post of,
                      In obscurity die.

   Someday I'll troll upon a group and leave the truth so very far behind me.
    Where facts just melt like yellow peeps away above these nascent creeps.

                      That's where you'll find me.

                      Somewhere, over most folks heads,
                      S'where I'll try.
                      If memes fly, over the dead heads, 
                      why then oh why can't I?

[MUSIC SWELLS]                  THE END


Blackhawk, [5]
President erect aft-s, KPS, SITI
Live in the future! It's just starting now.

[1] Ripped whole cloth from "Kentucky Fried Movie" If you haven't watched
    this in a long time, you'll find it's amazingly topical again.
[2] I was the ultimate actor Mortis, just like the other two. hth.
[3] "Love Infinity" by Captain Infinity, 
    adapted from original ASCII artwork by jgs "Spunk" Stark.
[4] Well, after six months, I thought I owed you all something "special".
[5] I chose the middle one.


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