Subject: *SEASON FINALE* America Held in a Hostil; Day 6565 - Over the Rainbow and Into the Fire with Carrie is "The Gift" because All Good Things... From: Blackhawk Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo Message-ID: <firstname.lastname@example.org> My part in this entire "Citizen B troll", from begining to end, is dedicated to the memory of Cronan Thompson, a student who often bested his teachers. In article <email@example.com>, Heck wrote: > > All abored. [NOTE: The part of "Toto" is played by Tapioca Puddinhead] ***************Notice***************** * This series finale is intended for * * our mature viewers. It contains * P satire of Buffy and other series P E finales, movies and @#$%Harkonans. E E So if you read this and feel E P "spoiled" later - too bad! P ! It's also very long and filled ! * with lovely ASCII illustrations * * that require viewing in a fixed * * bitch font. * *************Deal with it************* First, a word from our sponsor.  "At ARGON, we know a country that depends on oil, can't afford to run short. But conventional drilling is not always possible. Now, new ways must be found to produce crude oil. Here at our multi-billion dollar refinery in Fairbanks, we're extracting over 2.5 million barrels of crude oil each day from teenagers faces. Crude oil can be shipped via mammoth supertanker, in order to utilize our countries vast supplies of yet untapped natural resources. And here in Milan Italy, an affiliate of ARGON has developed a way to reclaim oil from the discarded combs of local residents. Enough to fill an 11 hundred foot tanker and save 60 thousand gallons of valuable energy. Back in the United States, we've developed a way to filter the oil from carry out foods. An amount sufficient to supply the entire city of Oakland California! And for the future, the promise of capturing over 40 trillion cubic feet of natural gas, has brought us to this taco stand in Beaumont Texas and this unique recycling method. At ARGON, we're working to keep your money." END COMMERCIAL. [Fade in, telephone lines in space, sounds of modems and cackling chatter] NARR: The Servo project was our last best hope for a good time. It failed. But it became something more, our last best hope for PARODY! @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@ ____ ____ ____@@@@@@@@@@@@@ ___ ____ __ __ | () ) / () \ | () )| () )| |__ | -| / () \| \| | |_()_)/__/\__\|_()_)|_()_)|____||__-| \____/|_|\__| @@@@ @@@@. .@@@@ '@@@@@@@@@@@@ BH '@@@@@@@@' [ESTABLISHING SHOTS: The dark funnel cloud from the last episode spins and churns across time and space and deposits JON  in a large darkened chamber with a single beam of light shining down into the center. JON walks into the light] JON: Where are you? Show yourselves! [A spotlight illuminates a glass case containing a statue of BLACKHAWK in his 1945, double-breasted uniform. The eyes in the hawk emblem on his chest glow when he speaks] BLACKHAWK(BH): We are here. We do not understand you. We have wished only the best for you. We have only wanted to help you. JON: You've destroyed whole *topics*!? BH: The other is a disease. You have given us the opportunity to eliminate it, I am grateful. Why do you oppose me? JON: Because I don't like being used, or lied to. BH: We have not lied. Our goal is the same as yours, to destroy the darkness. JON: Then why haven't you struck at them directly? [pregnant pause] You don't want to answer that one do you? You see, I finally understood the rules of this war when I saw your "uber-trolls" in action. YOU'VE HAD THE TECHNOLOGY TO DESTROY ZHA'HA'BORE'DUM ALL ALONG! SO WHY HAVEN'T YOU USED IT!!?? BH: You do not understand. JON: I do understand... And that's what has got you worried, isn't it? The Vogons said, "Trolling is a three-edged sword. Yours, mine and the point." Well the point is we don't need you anymore. [A spotlight illuminates a glass case containing a statue of CITIZEN B.. He is dressed in 100% hemp, has shoulder length hair and wears a button that says "Defending a voters right to choose" that glows when he talks] CITIZEN B.(CB): The Blackhawks stand for order, above anything else. No passion, no dreams, just discipline. They're frozen in time, an evolutionary dead end! Why side with the old? Embrace the new! Growth through pain and struggle, even flame wars! You above anyone else should understand this?! Your group came out of the last flame war stronger, better. How much better? How much better will they be after this one? You will rise from the ashes with a strength and power beyond imagination! JON: Until you do it to us again! CB.: It is a cycle. It is the farce of his story itself. You cannot win against that. I have embraced it. Helped it along, by creating conflict. Weak trolls die. Strong trolls ARE MADE EVEN STRONGER! Evolution must be served. There is no other way. JON: No! That is what *you* want us to believe! That's why you're really doing this. That's why you're targeting trolls who support the Shadows and not Zha'Ha'Bore'Dum itself. You don't want to kill the messenger, you just want to kill the message! Make it harder for others to "get" us. Guarantee that we do things "your" way. After all, if you destroy the trolls, they'll never see who won. They'll never see that you were right and they were wrong. It's about ideology. CB.: Of course, what isn't? Order versus Chaos. Choose one. JON: Yes... Choose. But only from the choices *you* give us. Don't you see that this is WRONG! When the other "First Ones" passed beyond the rim, you stayed behind, as guardians, shepherds for the newer and infrequent irregulars. But you've lost your way. This isn't about teaching us or helping us. THIS IS ABOUT YOU BEING RIGHT! You're trying to *force us* to decide which of you is right (even though left is better)! You're like a couple of parents arguing in front of their kids, manipulating them, trying to get them to take sides. Not for their benefit, but yours! But what if the right choice, is not to choose at all? What if we refuse to choose and simply walk away? CB.: You cannot do that! JON: The war will never end. CB: That is correct. JON: Then there is no hope. CB: There is only Chaos and Evolution. BH: There is only Order and Obedience. You will do as you are told. CB.: You will fight! Because we tell you to fight. BH: You will troll for us when we tell you to troll for us. There is no other way JON: That's where you're wrong. I can stand on my own now. I don't need you anymore! In other words, _ _ _____ __ ____ _____ _____ _____ _ _ _____ | \ | |/ _ \ \ / / / ___| ____|_ _| |_ _| | | | ____| | \| | | | \ \ /\ / / | | _| _| | | | | | |_| | _| | |\ | |_| |\ V V / | |_| | |___ | | | | | _ | |___ |_| \_|\___/ \_/\_/ \____|_____| |_| |_| |_| |_|_____| _ _ _____ _ _ ___ _ _ _____ ___ _____ __ ____ __ | | | | ____| | | | / _ \| | | |_ _| / _ \| ___| | \/ \ \ / / | |_| | _| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |_ | |\/| |\ V / | _ | |___| |___| |___ | |_| | |_| | | | | |_| | _| | | | | | | |_| |_|_____|_____|_____| \___/ \___/ |_| \___/|_| |_| |_| |_| ____ ___ __ __ ____ _ _ _____ _____ ____ _ / ___/ _ \| \/ | _ \| | | |_ _| ____| _ \| | | | | | | | |\/| | |_) | | | | | | | _| | |_) | | | |__| |_| | | | | __/| |_| | | | | |___| _ <|_| \____\___/|_| |_|_| \___/ |_| |_____|_| \_(_) JON: You're still here? CB: Yep BH: 'Fraid so. JON: Why? BH: JDN and Cap always hated this ending. As our parting gift, we give you the ability to experience all the possible outcomes of this flame war and to chose one. JON: I knew you were going to do this. CB: Shut up, we're all the same person. JON: Oh I get it now, you're saying all this trolling has just been all about me. How egotistical. BH: Shut up! JON: This is really about some old froup dinosaur throwing his weight around isn't it? CB & BH: SHUT UP! CB: Cue the effects guy. [XF] _ _ _ _ /` \/ `\ /` \/ `\ _ _ \ / _ _ _ _ \ / _ _ /` \/ `\'. .'/` \/ `\ /` \/ `\'. .'/` \/ `\ \ / \/ \ / \ / \/ \ / _ _ '. .' '. .' _ _ '. .' '. .' _ _ /` \/ `\ \/ \/ /` \/ `\ \/ \/ /` \/ `\ \ / \ / \ / '. .' _ _ _ _ '. .' _ _ _ _ '. .' \/ /` \/` \ /` \/ `\ \/ /` \/` \ /` \/ `\ \/ \ / _ _ \ / \ / _ _ \ / '. .'/` \/ `\'. .' '. .'/` \/ `\'. .' \/ \ / \/ \/ \ / \/ '. .' '. .' jgs \/ \/ C.I.  ***************************************************************************** ( ">PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")> (> )>eeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )> P^^PPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP"" BH ***************************************************************************** It is a bright sunny Spring day. It is Tuesday, after lunch. Citizen B. walks slowly across soft green grass. He is carrying flowers through a graveyard. He approaches a tombstone and kneels down to place the flowers near the headstone. The sky suddenly darkens. The diseased, rotting hands of the corpse of WWS bursts through moist earth and catches Citizen B. by the throat. The corpse cackles "I TOLD YOU RECYCLING WASN'T THE ANSWER! BWA HA HA!". Citizen B begins screaming, the scene begins spinning and as it stops we find Citizen B. still screaming, but now in a straight jacket. Locked in an asylum, completly mad, forever. [CUE FX] [FX] ***************************************************************************** ( ">PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")> (> )>eeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )> P^^PPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP"" BH ***************************************************************************** [The past and present versions the group explode as they lose containment. Waves of trollporal energy buffet the remaining version of the Servoprize as they attempt to close the trollporal anomaly.] CAPTAIN JEAN LUC BLACKHAUK: Mr. Datawuhs, report! DATAWUHS: The anomaly has nearly collapsed. GEORMIE (pronounced "whore-may"): We're losing containment and I gotta take a dump. "B": Good bye Blackhauk, I'm gonna miss you. You had such potential. But then all good things must come to an end. [Servoprize explodes] [FX] __,-~~/~ `---. _/_,---( , ) __ / < / ) \___ - ------===;;;'====------------------===;;;===----- - - \/ ~"~"~"~"~"~\~"~)~"/ (_ ( \ ( > \) \_( _ < >_>' ~ `-i' ::>|--" I;|.|.| <|i::|i|`. dwb (` ^'"`-' ") [Captain Blackhauk, kneeling on the floor in terror from the length of this post, finds himself in the courtroom once again. He is with the mysterious entity known only as "B", dressed as his judge.] B: The First Ones didn't think you had it in you Blackhauk. But I knew you did. CAP. BH: Are you saying it worked? We collapsed the anomaly? B: Is that all this meant to you? Just another trollporal anomaly, just another day at the office? CAP. BH.: DID IT WORK?! B: Well you're here aren't you. You're talking to me aren't you? CAP. BH: What about the group? B: The anomaly, the group, I suppose you're worried about the memes too? Well to put your mind at ease, you've saved the Usenet... Again. CAP. BH: Thank you B: For what? CAP. BH: For helping me get out of this. B: I was the one who got you into it. A "directive" from the First Ones. The part about the "helping hand" though, was my idea. [MUSIC SWELLS] CAP. BH: I certainly hope this is the last time I find myself here. B: You just don't get it Blackhauk, do you? The trial never ends. We wanted to see if you had the ability to expand your mind and your horizons and for one brief moment, you did. CAP. BH: When I realized the paradox. B: Exactly. For that one fraction of a second, you were open to options you never considered. THAT is the exploration that awaits you. Not composing witty posts and studying trolls, but the charting of the unknown possibilities of expression! CAP. BH: B, what is it you're trying to tell me? [B moves in to whisper something, then thinks better of it] B: You'll find out, I'll be watching. And if you're very lucky, you'll see me from time to time. See you OUT THERE! [FADE TO] [Blackhauk bolts awake in his bed. Throwing on a bathrobe, he runs to the door and out into the corridor. There he encounters HECKORF (Member of the savage and confusing Veraciton race) and COUNSELLOR WITCH] CAP. BH: What day is it? HECKORF: Stardate 47988, but date is relative in a fantasmagorical world CAP. BH: X-mas day? You mean I haven't missed it! The Spirits must have done it all in one night! HECKORF: Sir? Are you feeling copacetic? COUNSELLOR WITCH: I think he's been hitting the Spice again. Look, his eyes are all blue. CAP. BH: I'll see you later, I have to find a large turkey. CONS. WITCH: You're not looking very hard. CAP. BH: Oh shut up. [CUT TO: Stock footage of the Servoprize on fly by] CAP. BH: Captains log, 9 inches, supplemental. Star Peep command reports all quiet along the neural zone. No one appears to remember recent events. I am relieved. [CUT TO: The trolling room. DATAWUHS, Commander William (Bill) INFINITY, HECKORF, DR. LISA B. Crusher and GEORMIE are preparing to set trolls for the new week and are gathered around the "cool table". INFINITY: Any time now Doctor? [LISA B moves the thread over to INFINITY] LISA B.: I'm out, I gotta check on the little ones soon anyway. HECKORF: That's the 4th time in a row Infinity, if one could conceive of four rows of an infinity. The vercipitude of these events does not shorten their horizon. GEORMIE: Is he supposed to make sense? LISA B.: Shhh! HECKORF: I meant, how does he do it? INFINITY: I cheat... KIDDING! <--------- :) :) :) LISA B.: You know, I was thinking about what Blackhauk said about the future. About how we all changed and drifted apart. Why would he want to tell us all what's to come. GEORMIE: It goes against everything he has represented all these years. Of course anything that might prevent Waylands' next six experiences of marital bliss, might be considered a blessing of it's own. Excuse me, I gotta use the john. ALL: AGAIN!? DATAWUHS: I believe this situation is unique. Since B's trolling did not occur. There have already been changes in this timeline. The future we experience will undoubtedly be different from the one Blackhauk encountered. INFINITY: Maybe that's why he told us. Knowing what happens in that future, allows us to change things now. So that some things never happen. DATAWUHS: Agreed. JDN: I still haven't figured out why Mortis digs GEORMIE's visor? I mean they made it from a hair barrette for chrissake! COMM. INFINITY: *Peep* [DOORBELL rings] ALL: CUM! [COUNSELLOR WITCH enters] COUNS. WITCH: Am I too late? INFINITY: Not at all, pull up a chair. DATAWUHS: OK, it's a Voyager troll, Sci-Fi references wild. [Doorbell rings] ALL: CUM! [Blackhauk enters, there is a pregnant pause] INFINITY: Is there a problem sir? CAP. BH: No, I uhh... Just thought I might join you. Anyone want a Turkey sandwich? INFINITY (grabbing chair): Of course! Pull up a seat! DATAWUHS: Would you care to bait the "hook" sir? CAP. BH: Oh... Thank you Mr. Datawuhs. I used to be quite a troller in my youth you know. [Grins all around. MUSIC SWELLS} CAP.BH (starting to choke up): I should have done this a long time ago... CONS. WITCH: You were always welcome. CAP.BH (wiping a tear): So, the troll is "Something I wonder about... Butter?", everything wild and the sky's the limit! [CUT TO: Stock footage of the Servoprize on fly by, CREDITS, CUE FX] [FX] ***************************************************************************** ( ">PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")>PeeP( ")> (> )>eeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )>PeeP(> )> P^^PPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP""PPPeePP^^PPPeePP"" BH ***************************************************************************** [CITIZEN B. catches a sharp right hook in jaw from one of WWS' MINIONs, he falls back across the narrow platform atop the steel tower. BLACKHAWK, still in chains watches helplessly. Blood begins to run from the gashes in his chest. CITIZEN B. Smashes into a girder and slowly rises to his feet. As the MINION charges, CITIZEN B. does a somersault over his head, lands behind him and then kicks the MINION in the nuts. As the MINION stumbles, CITIZEN B. pushes him over the ledge.] MINION: ARRRRRGGGGHHH! CITIZEN B. Moves to release BLACKHAWK from his chains, the blood dripping from BLACKHAWK's shoes begins to tear the fabric separating the Usenet. Uber-Trolls and Stalkers from a.a.v.f.f.f. and Karl Malden's nose begin pouring through the gaps. Shouts of... "You will *kneel* before your master, BWA HAA HAA!" \ \ __.,,------.._ ,'" _ _ "`. [Uber-Troll} /.__, ._ -=- _"` Y (.____.-.` ""` j VvvvvvV`.Y,. _.,-' , , , Y ||, '"\ ,/ ,/ ./ | ,' , `-..,'_,'/___,'/ ,'/ , .. ,;,,',-'"\,' , . 'Herbie'W""' '--,/ .. .. ,'. `.`---' `, / , Y -=- ,' , ,. .`-..||_|| .. ff\\`. `._ /f ,'j j , ,' , , f , \=\ Y || ||`||_.. l` \` `.`."`-..,-' j /./ /, , / , / /l \ \=\l || `' || ||... ` ` `-._ `-.,-/ ,' /`"/-/-/-/-"'''"`.`. `'.\--`'--..`'_`' || , "`-_,', ,' f , / `._ ``._ , `-.`'// , ,-"'' _.,-' l_,-'_,,' "`-._ . "`. /| `.'\ , | ,',.,-'" \=) ,`-. , `-'._`.V | \ // .. . /j |f\\ `._ )-."`. /| `.| | `.`-||-\\/ l` \` "`._ "`--' j j' j `-`---' ` ` "`_,-','/ ,-'" / ,'",__,-' /,, ,-' Vvv' VVv' -=> Philip Kaulfuss <=- ...fill the air. CB. (removing the chains): That only took a small amount of exposition. Wimpy minions you get these days. BH: I thought there should be nine more of them? CB.: That's a "minyan" you dope. [A six foot long ANSI .sig flies past, just missing their heads] BH: We're too late B. I have to throw myself into the void, it's the only way to close the, uhm... oh hell... the fuckin HOLE! There I've said it. You know, a hole is a stationary causer of damage. You have to go to it and fall over it. A recklessly placed nail on your step is a hole. CB: Is that supposed to mean something? BH: I'm not sure, Heck told me that once. CB.: Never mind, I said I'd protect you and I will. We share the same user, the HOLE will take me just as well as you. And you see... *Death is my gift!* BH: Man... That's corny. CITIZEN B.: Oh shut up, this is our big finish. [CITIZEN B. dives over the side into the void. As the door begins to close, all the nasty denizens of the net are sucked back to their respective groups ] CITIZEN B.: WWS YOU CONSERVATIVE BASTARD! From hells mouth, I spit at thee! [WWS swoops down onto the platform] WWS: Bye loser! If you Californians had listened to me months ago you wouldn't... [BLACKHAWK pushes WWS off the platform] WWS: ARRRRRGGGGHHH! [WWS falls into the swirling void] WWS: "I'm melting! I'm melting! What a world, what a world! I had visions of such extraordinary magnitude!" [GILES reaches the top of the tower and approaches.] GILES: They're dead. You've killed them. BH: I didn't mean to. But they *really* annoyed me. GILES: Now you are our leader. You get Citizen B.'s computer and ISP. BH: All I wanna do is go home. Back to aft-s... GILES: Silly boy, you've had the power to do that all along. Simply close your eyes, tap your heals together three times and say "There's no trolls like home"! BH (clicking his ruby slippers together): There's no trolls like home, There's no trolls like home, There's no trolls like home... [The winds swirl around Blackhawk carrying him away in a large funnel cloud. The scene shifts to the aft-s farmhouse where the story began. In the bedroom, Blackhawk is surrounded by friends as he wakes...] INFINITY: Blackhawk, Wake up Blackhawk! BH: Huh? What happened? Auntie Infinity? TOTO! TOTO: ARF, ARF! (translation; give me a cookie) BH: I'm home at last! INFINITY (applying a compress): Too much Spice. You passed out. WWS: You must have had a bad dream. BH: No, I was there... J.: Where? How can you be in two places at once, when you're not anywhere at all? Must be the meds again... BH: I was this left wing revolutionary causing havoc on Usenet. And Lot42 was there, and Poddy, and, oh, what's his name...Tyler! All of you were there... Maybe it was just a dream. LORI: And quite a nasty one. MORTIS: Too much Spice if you ask me. MR. HOLE: I'd say you had a vision of extraordinary magnitude! THE WITCH: What was it like? BH: Some people were nice, some were just awful, and everywhere I went I just kept telling people I wanted to come home. Sure was real... INFINITY (while palming his Star Peep communicator from his pinafore): I know dear, but what have you learned? BH: Well, I guess I learned that you can search all over for a good light hearted bunch to troll... But you don't have to look any further than aft-s! ALL: THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED! MUAD'DIB! MUAD'DIB! MUAD'DIB! JDN: What a load of piffle. [CUE MUSIC: "Over the Trollhead"] Posting, over the trollhead, While I'm high. There's a meme that I've heard of, Once in Kibology. Somewhere, over the dead heads, No pants fly. And the dreams that you post of, In obscurity die. Someday I'll troll upon a group and leave the truth so very far behind me. Where facts just melt like yellow peeps away above these nascent creeps. That's where you'll find me. Somewhere, over most folks heads, S'where I'll try. If memes fly, over the dead heads, why then oh why can't I? [MUSIC SWELLS] THE END [ROLL CREDITS] *** Blackhawk,  President erect aft-s, KPS, SITI Live in the future! It's just starting now.  Ripped whole cloth from "Kentucky Fried Movie" If you haven't watched this in a long time, you'll find it's amazingly topical again.  I was the ultimate actor Mortis, just like the other two. hth.  "Love Infinity" by Captain Infinity, adapted from original ASCII artwork by jgs "Spunk" Stark.  Well, after six months, I thought I owed you all something "special". BWA HAA HAA!  I chose the middle one.
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