Subject: For The Witch + Jaime; CHAPTER 8
- The Witch's Croquet-Ground
From: "Plain, Simple, Blackhawk." <janosprohaska@earthlink.net>
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: <janosprohaska-AEEFA8.13155128112001@isp-west.usenetserver.com>
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BLACKHAWK'S ADVENTURES IN SERVOLAND
Previous chapter: A Mad Tofu Party
CHAPTER VIII
The Witch's Croquet-Ground
A large peep-tree stood near the entrance of Servo: the peeps growing on
it were white, but there were three performance artists at it, busily
painting them red. One was painting from atop a large penny-farthing
bicycle and making tiny faces in the petals with a herring. Blackhawk
thought this a very curious thing, and he went nearer to watch them, and
just as he came up to them he heard one of them say, 'Look out now,
Five! Don't go splashing paint over me like that, London is burning!'
[Image]
[Two-Face, Five, and Seven(of Nine) painting the peep-tree]
____//_ //(__) // // <(') (__) |(~)|
______ \// (')> //(')> <(') // (')> (__) <(') |(")|
(\/----- \ /`( )\\`( ) ( )/ `(__)\\ <(') (__) | V |
// <(') \ \ (')> (')> <(')\____(')> (<(')/ __|(~)|
(')> ( .\( ) `( )// ( )'`(__) (__) / _|(")|
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<////< /' 22 '\ `( )\\`( ) ( )/ `(__) \\ (-) ) /
() )___/ \ \ \\ \(')> (')> <(') \\(// \' 55
||_|(~)|_ \<(')-\\( ) `( ) (')>__)' `(_## 555
\__|(")|_\ \(__)-\\//<(') `(__) ##')> o
/ | V | \\ \_\\ (__)' |//## `(__) o
London is |(~)|=(-)--o 0_\ // // ## 777 o
burning! |(")|=---o/| \\/| |/ || /0>77 (nice ass)
|_V_| | / \\| O | (-) )__77
(_(__)____|// \\ |\ ||_|(~)7__
(###)____// \ " |\\ \__((")|_ \
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6 /| \ 6 ' | \\_\\ ||___|
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6 / | \ 6 | | \\(\\
6 / | \ 6 | | \\_\\
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//\ '6 | 6' / - . \ \\_\\
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'I couldn't help it,' said Five, in a sulky tone; 'Seven jogged my
elbow.'
On which Seven looked up and said, 'Irrelevant, I would suggest crewman,
that if you had not been attempting to, "cop a feel", this would not
have occured'
'You'd better not talk!' said Five. 'I heard the Witch say only
yesterday you deserved to be mastectomized!'
'It's hard to learn the number seven.' said the one who had spoken
first.
'That is irrelevant, Two-Face!' said Seven.
'I am not a number, I have no eyes, I have no soul!' said Two-Face.
'Yes, it is relevant!' said Five, 'and I'll tell him--it was for
bringing the Witch strawberries instead of fluffy-artichokes.'
Seven flung down her brush, and had just begun 'Well, I thought she said
Muskmelons...' when her Borg eye chanced to fall upon Blackhawk, as he
stood watching them, and he checked himself suddenly: the others looked
round also, and all of them bowed low.
'Would you tell me,' said Blackhawk, a little timidly, 'why you are
painting those peeps?'
'Is this where we sing "Painting the peeps red"? said five anxiously.
'No,' said Two-face, 'that's only in "The Girl who was Disney," episode,
what would you care if you lost the other?'
Five and Seven said nothing, but looked at Two-face. Two-face, climbing
off the bicycle, began to answer Blackhawk in a low voice, 'Because
these peep-trees are reprehensible and white--'.
At which point Five pushed him aside and continued,'Why the fact is, you
see, Sir, this here ought to have been a red peep-tree, and we put a
white one in by mistake; and if the Witch was to find it out, we should
all have our balls cut off, you know. So you see, Sir, we're doing our
best, afore she comes, to--' At this moment Two-Face, who had been
anxiously looking across Servo, called out 'The Witch! The Witch!' and
the three performance artists instantly threw themselves flat upon their
ASCII. There was a sound of many footsteps, and Blackhawk looked round,
eager to see the Witch.
First came ten arna posters carrying clubs; these folks were all shaped
like the three performance artists, oblong and thick, wrapped in
cellophane, with their hands and feet at the corners: next the ten
Neutopians; these were ornamented all over like diamonds, and walked two
and two, as the arna posters did. After these came the royal Thugesses;
there were ten of them, and the little dears came jumping merrily along
hand in hand, in couples: they were all ornamented with Lilacs. Next
came the guests, mostly Mages and Witches, and among them Blackhawk
recognized the Yellow Peep: it was talking in a hurried nervous manner,
smiling at everything that was said, and went by without noticing him.
Then followed the Tropea of Peeps, carrying the MageJaime's crown on a
crimson velvet cushion; and, last of all this grand procession, came the
MageJaime and Witch of Peeps.
Blackhawk was rather doubtful whether he ought not to lie down on his
ASCII like the three performance artists, but he could not remember ever
having heard of such a rule at processions; 'and besides, what would be
the use of writing in this procession,' thought he, 'if people had to
all lie down upon their ASCII, so that they couldn't read it?' So he
stood still where he was, and waited.
When the procession came opposite to Blackhawk, they all stopped and
looked at him, and the Witch said severely 'Who is this?' She said it to
the Tropea of Peeps, who only bowed and smiled in reply.
'Idiot!' said the Witch, tossing her head impatiently; and, turning to
Blackhawk, she went on, 'What's your name, dear?'
'My name is Blackhawk, so please your Majesty,' said Blackhawk very
politely; but he added, to himself, 'Why, they're packages of peeps,
after all. I needn't be afraid of them!'
'And who are these?' said the Witch, pointing to the three performance
artists who were lying round the peeptree; for, you see, as they were
lying on their ASCII, and the pattern on their header was the same as
the .sig, she could not tell whether they were performance artists, or
arna posters, or Neutopians, or three of her own Thugesses.
'How should I know?' said Blackhawk, surprised at his own courage. 'It's
no business of mine.'
The Tropea of Peeps said "You know, in Magic (card game) Clerics tend to
be better than Druids."
Blackhawk was confused, "That has nothing to do with anything happening
in this story?"
"I knew that," continued the Tropea of Peeps "but i thought i would add
my 2 cents in."
"LIAR!" shouted the Reverend Sean, who had inserted himself into
Blackhawk's story to flame Dan.
The Witch turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at them for a
moment like a wild beast, screamed 'Off with their balls! Off--'
[Image] "OFF WITH THEIR BALLS!" Nonsense!
/ / __ __
,,,, / _______.' '.' ', I gotta
,%%%%&, _\|/_/ "Porkwoman" \_____/| @ | @ | use the
&%%%' '$ \"O"/ INDEED! 3`~~~`3'.__.'.__.(((())) throne!
%%%(( ^( (//`\\) / ( (^ ^) ) ^ ((((()))) /
%%| __/ __(((e e)))__ %%%%% \ ^ / o _(()/___\())_
%(( (__ / (((( O )))) \%%%%%%% ___\ 0 /___ / _((\` `/))_ \
/ /\_\ \ \ (((()=()))) /%.\ /.% /---\(((/---\ \ \())(o)(()/ / Shine
/_*_*) \ '(((("W"))))' % c % | / \(/ \ \ ' \(((()))/ '\ on you
/____//\ \_ / ((( \ /)))' \ \ ^ [_]| |\ _/ Q |\ \ / ' \)).))/ ' \ crazy
??/oo\\ \_ / _ ((- | -))_ \/---|K|| | |o o | \ / _ \ - | - /_ ) dia-
?? > ' ( ((.;''';.).' )\_/|L|| | |o o | -( ( .;''';. .' / mond!
|() v/ <(')\"__ / (oo)\ __"/( ' |U|| | |o o | \"__ / (oo)\ _"/ _____;
|(\\-,*\( )\/ \,'|| / \/\|(~)|B||_|_______| \/ \,'|| / \/ /_o\o_\
| V\\|_/\/\/|.' '...' ' ) |(")|=)((/__(_)__\ .' '...' ) \\\N///
|(~)\_(______)/ / | \ \ | V |=) /| |\ / / | \ \ /\\U//\
|(")|| ""\ / . . . \ |(~)|A /_| _ |_\ / . . . \ \|/
| V ||_*_*\ / . . \ |(")|R| | | | / . . \ / \
|(~)|| \ / / | \ \| V |N| | | | / / | \ \
|(")||\ \.' / b '. '. |A| | | | ' / b '. '.
| V ||.-' / Bb '-. '-._| | | |BH/ / Bb '- ',
|_.-' | BBb '-. '-.| | |.' __ BBb '-. '
(___________\____.dBBBb.________)____| | |___________dBBBb________)_)
|___|___|
(____|____)
'Nonsense!' said Blackhawk, very loudly and decidedly, and the Witch was
silent.
The MageJaime laid his hand upon her strawberries, and timidly said
'Consider, my dear: he is the author!'
The Witch turned angrily away from him, and said to the Tropea 'Turn
them over!', indicating the performance artists.
The Tropea did so, very carefully, with one foot. He left the other in
his mouth.
The Reverend then turned into a 40 year old woman named Kathy, who then
got Paleolithic on the Tropea's ASCII. The two of them, then merged and
became one being, who skipped off to Maine in hopes of finding a lobster
in time for Chapter 10.
'Get up!' said the Witch, in a shrill, loud voice, and the three
performance artists instantly jumped up, and began bowing to the
MageJaime, the Witch, the royal ferrets, and everybody else.
'Fickle!' screamed the Witch. 'You make me giddy.' And then, turning to
the peep-tree, she went on, 'What have you been doing here?'
'May it please your Majesty,' said Two-face, in a very humble tone,
going down on one knee as he spoke, 'we were embraced in the arms of
thinking-man's crumpet--' the other two began to sob.
'I see!' said the Witch, who had meanwhile been examining the bicycle.
'Off with their balls and bring me her breasts!' and the procession
moved on, three of the arna posters remaining behind to execute the
unfortunate performance artists, who ran to Blackhawk for protection.
'Nay, thou shan't be spay or neutered!' said Blackhawk, and he put them
into a large serving dish that laid near aussie steve. The three arna
posters wandered about for a minute or two, looking for them, and then
quietly marched off after the others.
'Are their balls off?' shouted the Witch.
'Their balls are gone, if it please your Majesty!' Toci shouted in
reply.
'It does!' shouted the Witch. 'Can you play croquet?'
The arna posters were silent, and looked at Blackhawk, as the question
was evidently meant for him.
'Yes!' shouted Blackhawk.
'Come on, then!' roared the Witch, and Blackhawk joined the procession,
wondering very much what would happen next.
'It's--it's a very fine day!' said a timid voice at his side. He was
walking by the Yellow Peep, who was peeping anxiously into his face.
'Very,' said Blackhawk: '--but we're halfway through the chapter,
where's the Wench?'
'Hush! Hush!' said the Peep in a low, hurried tone. He looked anxiously
over his shoulder as he spoke, and then raised himself upon tiptoe, put
his mouth close to Blackhawk's ear, and whispered 'She's under sentence
of execution.'
'What for?' said Blackhawk.
'Did you say "What a pity!"?' the Peep asked.
'No, I didn't,' said Blackhawk: 'I don't think it's at all a pity. I
said "What for?"'
'She telenetted into the Witch's account and then the MageJaime farted
as--' the Peep began. Blackhawk gave a little snicker of laughter. 'Oh,
hush!' the Peep whispered in a frightened tone. 'The Witch will hear
you! You see, she came rather late, after they rode off on her mother,
and the Witch said--'
'Get to your places!' shouted the Witch in a voice of thunder, and
people began running about in all directions, tumbling up against each
other; however, they got settled down in a minute or two, and the game
began. Blackhawk thought he had never seen such a curious croquet-ground
in his life; it was all self-help and recovery froups; the balls were
live Ferrets, the mallets were large live uhm..."pepperoni", and the
arna posters had to double themselves up and to stand on their hands and
feet, to make the arches.
The chief difficulty Blackhawk found at first was in managing his
"pepperoni": he succeeded in getting its body tucked away, comfortably
enough, under his arm, with its balls hanging down, but generally, just
as he had got its 'neck' nicely straightened out, and was going to give
the ferret a blow with its head, it would twist itself round and look up
in his face, with such a puzzled expression that he could not help
bursting out laughing: and when he had got its head down, and was going
to begin again, it was very provoking to find that the ferret had
unrolled itself, and was in the act of spreading eagle: besides all
this, there was generally a ridge or furrow in the way wherever he
wanted to send the ferret to, and, as the doubled-up arna posters were
always getting up and walking off to other parts of the froup, Blackhawk
soon came to the conclusion that it was a very difficult game indeed.
[Image] Blackhawk trying to play croquet with his "pepperoni" and ferret
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||| | `-._.-"(=====' /
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The players all played at once without waiting for turns, quarrelling
all the while, and fighting for the Ferrets; and in a very short time
the Witch was in a furious passion, and went stamping about, and
shouting 'Off with his balls!' or 'Off with her breasts!' about once in
a minute.
Blackhawk began to feel very uneasy: to be sure, he had not as yet had
any dispute with the Witch, but having scanned ahead a number of
chapters, he knew that it would happen soon, 'and then,' thought he,
'what would become of me? They're dreadfully fond of castrating people
here; the great wonder is, that there's any one left procreating!'
He was looking about for some way of escape, and wondering whether he
could get away without being seen, when he noticed a curious appearance
in the air: it puzzled him very much at first, but, after watching it a
minute or two, he made it out to be a grin, and he said to himself 'It's
the Infinity Cat: now I shall have somebody to talk to.'
'How are you getting on?' said the Infinity Cat, as soon as there was
mouth enough for it to speak with. 'You know in London once, they used
ferrets to get rid of mice instead of cats?'
Blackhawk waited till the eyes appeared, and then nodded. 'It's no use
speaking to it,' he thought, 'till its ears have come, or at least one
of them.' In another minute the whole head appeared, and then Blackhawk
put down his "pepperoni", and began an account of the game, feeling very
glad he had someone to listen to him. The Infinity Cat seemed to think
that there was enough of it now in sight, and no more of it appeared.
'I don't think the arna's play at all fairly,' Blackhawk began, in
rather a complaining tone, 'and they all quarrel so dreadfully one can't
hear oneself speak--and they don't seem to have any rules in particular;
at least, if there are, nobody attends to them--and you've no idea how
confusing it is all the things being alive; for instance, there's the
arch I've got to go through next walking about at the other end of the
froup--and I should have croqueted the Witch's ferret just now, only it
ran away when it saw mine coming!'
'How kinky do think the Witch is?' said Infinity in a low voice.
'Having given the matter a great deal of thought,' said Blackhawk: 'I
would say she's so extremely--' Just then he noticed that the Witch was
close behind him, listening: so he went on, '--likely to win, that it's
hardly worth while finishing the game.'
The Witch smiled and passed on.
'Who are you talking to?' said the MageJaime, going up to Blackhawk, and
looking at the Cat's head with great curiosity.
'It's a friend of mine--an Infinity Cat,' said Blackhawk: 'allow me to
introduce it.'
'I don't like the look of it at all,' said the MageJaime: 'however, it
may kiss my rim if it likes.'
'I'd rather not,' Infinity remarked.
'Don't be impertinent,' said the MageJaime, 'and don't look at me like
that!' He got behind Blackhawk as he spoke.
'The ever expanding rim of the universe is the current limit of all our
joint consciousness,' said Blackhawk. 'I read that on Usenet
somewhere...'
'Well, this Infinity Cat must be removed,' said the MageJaime very
decidedly, and he called the Witch, who was passing at the moment, 'My
dear! I wish you would have this cat removed!'
The Witch had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or small.
'Off with his balls!' she said, without even looking round.
'I'll fetch the Eddorian myself,' said the MageJaime eagerly, and he
hurried off.
Blackhawk thought he might as well go back, and see how the game was
going on, as he heard the Witch's voice in the distance, screaming with
passion. He had already heard her sentence three of the Neutopians to be
executed for having missed their turns, and he did not like the look of
things at all, as the game was in such confusion that he never knew
whether it was his turn or not. So he went in search of his ferret.
The ferret was engaged in a fight with another ferret. One continued to
proclaim "I AM WEASEL!" while the other continued explaining that they
were ferrets which seemed to Blackhawk an excellent opportunity for
croqueting one of them with the other: the only difficulty was, that his
"pepperoni" was gone across to the other side of the froup, where
Blackhawk could see it trying in a helpless sort of way to fly up into a
bush.
By the time he had caught hold of the "pepperoni" and brought it back,
the fight was over, and both the Ferrets were out of sight: 'but it
doesn't matter much,' thought Blackhawk, 'as all the arches are gone
from this side of the froup and it's time for the last plot complication
of this chapter.' So he tucked it away in his pants, that it might not
escape again, and went back for a little more conversation with his
friend.
When he got back to the Infinity Cat, he was surprised to find quite a
large crowd collected round it: there was a dispute going on between the
Eddorian, the MageJaime, and the Witch, who were all talking at once,
while all the rest were quite silent, and looked very uncomfortable.
[Image] Eddorian argues with MageJaime about cutting off Infinity Cat's
balls
| \ / | I pick the middle one!
/ //%\\ \ /
`. (o) (o) .'
anything that ---::__o__::---
has a head .' \'|||||'/`.
has balls \|||/ You can't cut off a testicle unless
\ ((()) there is a body to cut it off from!
(((( _\ _\|/_ /
(((( -/ \"O"/ _.-'-'--._
(((( \ (//`\\) ,', ~'` ( .'`.
(((( ( (((` `))) ( ~'_ , .'( >-)
(((((__) (((( O ))) ( .-' ( `__.-< ) hjw
((((((\ (((()=()))) ( `-..--'_ .-')
[_____ \'(((("X"))))' `(_( (-' `-'.-)
| __ \ \((( \ /)))' \ `-.__.-'=/
| ||(((- | -))_ \ `._`='
|| | ||((.;''';.).' ) \\
|| | || _ / )\ _"/ \
BH|| | ||/ ( ' )\/ OFF WITH ALL THEIR BALLS!
The moment Blackhawk appeared, he was appealed to by all three to settle
the question, and they repeated their arguments to him, though, as they
all spoke at once, he found it very hard indeed to make out exactly what
they said.
The Eddorian's argument (being disembodied himself) was, that you
couldn't cut off a testicle unless there was a body to cut it off from:
that he had never had to do such a thing before, and he wasn't going to
begin now, so close to feeding time.
The MageJaime's argument was, that anything that had a head had balls
(and quite possibly a rim), and that you weren't to talk nonsense.
The Witch's argument was, that if something wasn't done about it in less
than no time her pom-poms would have everybody executed, all round. (It
was this last remark that had made the whole party look so grave and
anxious.)
Infinity's argument was, that he'd lost them years ago and you couldn't
take them twice.
Blackhawk could think of nothing else to say but 'They belong to the
Wench: you'd better ask her about it.'
'She's in prison,' the Witch said to the Eddorian: 'fetch her here.' And
the Eddorian went off like an arrow. A Neutopian then left to bring the
Wench.
The Cat's head began fading away the moment the Neutopian was gone, and,
by the time he had come back with the Wench, it had entirely
disappeared; so the MageJaime and the Neutopian carrying the Eddorian
ran wildly up and down looking for it, while the rest of the party went
back to the game.
Next chapter: The Mock Cronan's Story
Author's Notes for this chapter
Original version of this chapter
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