Title:      How the Grinch Stole the Peeps!
From:       openbook@sirius.com (Blackhawk)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo
Message-ID: Part 1 <openbook-0711981137060001@ppp-asfm06--077.sirius.net>
            Part 2 <openbook-0811981252020001@ppp-asfm07--119.sirius.net>
            Part 3 <openbook-0811982149310001@ppp-asfm06--098.sirius.net>
            Part 4 <openbook-0911980049540001@ppp-asfm02--063.sirius.net>
            Part 5 <openbook-0911981218450001@ppp-asfm06--090.sirius.net>
            Part 6 <openbook-1011980523240001@ppp-asfm07--138.sirius.net>

In article <36440AA6.2B8061E2@tyler.net>, WWS wrote:

> jdn wrote:
> > WWS wrote:
> > :thewitch@cybernothing.org wrote:
> > :> Paul G. Barnes wrote:
> > :> :
> > :> : I just heard Paul Harvey explain, in excruciating detail, the John
> > :> : Glenn/Planet of the Apes joke.
> > :>
> > :> The end of the world is at hand when Paul Harvey even *gets* the joke.
> > :
> > :I knew it was officially "not funny" when a clueless relative (at least
> > :he's young, not that that excuses him) sent me an AOL chain mail about
> > :this "joke".  (I should killfile him - but relatives, feh - what can you
> > :do?)
> > 
> > Actually, it wasn't funny in the first place.
> > 
> > jdn
> Sheesh, you sound like the Grinch who Stole Whoo(sier)Ville.

                   How the Grinch stole the Peeps!
                    (By Blackhawk and Dr. Suess)

            Every Who Down in Servo-ville Liked Peeps a lot...

  But the Grinch, Who lived just    
  north of Servo-ville, Did NOT! 

  The Grinch hated Peeps!
  The whole KPS season!,
  Now please don't ask why.
  No one quite knows the reason.
  It could be his head was screwed
  on too tight. It could be,
  perhaps, that his truths were too
  right. But I think that the most
  likely reason of all May have
  been that his smile was two
  sizes too small.

                                     Whatever the reason, His smile or
                                     his truths, He stood there on
                                     KPS Eve, hating the Whos,
                                     Staring down from his cave over 
                                     his sour, Grinchy snoot At the warm
                                     lighted windows below in their group.
                                     For he knew every Who down in
                                     Servo-ville (such fakes!) Were busy now,
                                     all having Kermit Krab wakes.

  "And they're hanging their
  mascot!" he snarled with a
  sneer, "Tomorrow they'll Peep!
  They're practically here!" Then he
  growled, with his Grinch fingers
  nervously drumming, "I MUST find    
  some way to stop the KPS from

                                ...All the Who then wakened from sleep Would
                                rise bright and early. They'd rush for their
                                Memes! And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the
                                meme! meme! meme! meme! That's one thing he

  hated! The Meme! Meme!
  Meme! Meme!  Then the
  Whos, young and old, would
  sit down to a Wake. And
  they would be sad! And they'd
  be Sad! And they'd be SAD!

  They would feast on
  Who-beer, and rare
  Who-roast Krab Which was
  something the Grinch
  thought inherently bad!

                                And THEN They'd do something He liked
                                least of all! Every Who down in Servo-ville,
                                the tall and the small, Would find boring
                                threads, with KPS posts leaping. They'd
                                post one by one. And the Whos would
                                start peeping! 

                                They'd peep! And they'd peep! And they'd
                                PEEP! PEEP! PEEP! PEEP! And the more the
                                Grinch thought of this Who-KPS-Peep,
                                The more the Grinch thought, "I must stop
                                these creeps!" "Why, for fifty-three
                                years I've put up with it now!" "I MUST
                                stop this KPS from coming! 

  ...But HOW?"

  Then he got an idea! An
  awful idea! THE GRINCH GOT

                               "I know just what to do!" 
                                The Grinch laughed in his throat. 
                                And he made a quick 
                                Kermit Krab hat and coat.
                                And he chuckled, and clucked,
                                "What a great Grinchy trick!" 
                                "With this coat and this hat, 
                                I look just like ol' Kermit!" 
                                "All I need is a beer keg..." 
                                The Grinch looked around. 
                                But, since kegs are scarce,
                                there was none to be found.
                                Did that stop the old Grinch...?
                                No! The Grinch simply said, 

 "If I can't find a Beer Keg, 
  I'll make one instead!" So 
  he called his dog, Holland. 
  Then he took a big hose
  And he tied a small spigot
  on the top of Bob's nose. 
  THEN He loaded some glasses
  And old bags that throbbed.
  On a fake spoiler spaceship
  And he hitched up old Bob. 

  Then the Grinch said,"Giddap!" 
  And the ship started down 
  Toward the group where the Whos 
  Lay a-snooze in their town. 

                                All their branes were dark. 
                                Jaimes' thoughts filled with poop. 
                                All the Whos were all dreaming
                                lucid dreams in a loop.
                                When he came to the first 
                                little thread on the group. 

                               "This is stop number one," 
                                the old Grinchy Kermit hissed 
                                And he climbed to the header, 
                                the old bags in his fist.

                                 Then he entered the references. 
                                 A rather tight pinch. 
                                 But, if Kermit could do it, 
                                 then so could the Grinch. 
                                 He lost his place once, 
                                 for a moment or two. 
                                 Then he stuck his head out 
                                 of a Plain and Simple clue 
                                 Where the little Who memes 
                                 all hung in a row. 
                                "These memes," he grinned, 
                                "are the first things to go!"

  Then he slithered and slunk, 
  with a smile most mean, 
  Around the whole room, 
  and he took every meme! 
  Peeps! And Milla! 
  Butter! And Anti-Voyager Zombies! 
  Poops! And Marcia! 
  Farley! And Evil Purple Bunnies! 
  He stuffed them in the old hags. 
  Then the Grinch, very nimbly, 
  Stuffed all the old bags, 
  one by one, up the chimbley!

                                 Then he slunk to the icebox. 
                                 He took the Whos' Wake! 
                                 He took the Cheezy Poofs! 
                                 He took the Krab Kake! 
                                 He cleaned out that icebox 
                                 as quick as passed gas 
                                 Why, that Grinch even took 
                                 their last can of Whoop-ass!

Then he stuffed all the food 
up the chimney with glee. 
"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, 
"I will stuff up the peeps!"

And the Grinch grabbed the peeps, 
and he started to shove 
When he heard a small sound 
like the coo of a dove.

              He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who! 
              Little LisaB Who, who was not more than two...

                         The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Who's grin 
                         Who'd got out of bed to do the Time Warp again. 
                         She stared at the Grinch and said softly, "Kermit, ,
                        "Why are you taking all of our Peeps, eh dammit?"

  But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick 
  He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick! 
 "Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Kermit lied, 
 "There's a Peep in this box that has a Bizarro eye." 
 "So I'm taking it home to my library, my dear." 
 "I'll fuck with it there. Then I'll bring it back here."

                         And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head 
                         And he got her a JackB and he sent her to bed. 
                         And when LisaB Who went to bed with her hub, 
                         HE went to the chimney and stuffed the Peeps up!

  Then the last thing he took  
  Was the brunt of their ire! 
  Then he went up the newsgroup, 
  himself, the old liar. 
  On their threads he left nothing 
  but troll hooks and fire.

  And the one speck of news  
  That he left in the group 
  Was even too small
  for Il Porko's poop.

  Then He did the same thing To the other Whos' nits

  Leaving followups too small For the other Whos' wit! 
  By a quarter past dawn... He was done with their shit, 
  All the Whos, still a-snooze When he packed up his ship,
  Packed it up with their memes! The ascii! The Real Love(tm)! 
               The peeps! And the pajamas! The Bar! The Jitlov!

                         Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Usenet, 
                         He rode with his load to the tiptop to erase it! 
                        "Fuck you to the Whos!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
                        "They're finding out now that no KPS is coming!" 
                        "They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!" 
                        "Their mouths will hang open a minute or two 
                         Then the Whos down in Servo will all cry 
                         Boo Who Calloo!"

                                   "That's a squeal," 
                                    grinned the Grinch, 
                                   "That I simply MUST hear!" 
                                    So he paused. And the Grinch 
                                    put his toe to his ear. 

                                    And he did hear a sound 
                                    peeping over the snow. 
                                    It started in low. 
                                    Then it started to grow...

  But the sound wasn't sad! 
  Why, this sound sounded so, So! 
  Could he have gone mad? 
  But it WAS So, SO!

  He stared down at Servo-ville! 
  The Grinch popped his eyes! 
  Then he <barf>ed! What he saw 
  was a shocking surprise!

  Every Who down in Servo-ville, 
  the tall and the small, 
  Was posting n' peeping!
  Without any memes at all!

              He HADN'T stopped the J.I.H.A.D. from coming! IT CAME! 
                    Somehow or other, it came just the same!

  And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the know, 
  Reviewed all the aspects: "How could it be so?" 

 "It came with out underwear! It came without Porko!" 
 "It came without philtrum, Heck or Bizarro!"

  And he puked for three hours, till his puker was sore. 
  Then the Grinch thought of something Heidegger hadn't before! 

 "Maybe the KPS," he thought, "Aren't just intellectual whores." 
 "Maybe the KPS...perhaps...memes a little bit more!"

              And what happened then...? Well...in Servo-ville they say 
                     That the Grinch's small <grin> Grew three sizes that day!

  And the minute his head didn't feel quite so Right, 
  He whizzed with his load [1] through the subject morphing light 
  And he brought back the Peeps! And the food for the Wake! 

  And he...

  ...HE HIMSELF...! The Grinch, served the first Krab Kake!

                               THE END

Blackhawk KPS S.I.T.I.
Peeps on Earth, Good memes toward men.
*Peep*, Fuck you, and good night.        

[1] This is what the old bags were for [2]
[2] There's a Clinton joke somewhere in there too...


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