Subject:     *For the Ladies* ADVENTURES IN SERVOLAND:
         CHAPTER III; A KPS-Race and a Long Tale
From:       Blackhawk <>
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Previous chapter: The Pool of Trolls


A KPS-Race and a Long Tale

They were indeed a queer-looking party that assembled on the bank -- the 
Teats with draggled nipples, the Thuggesses with their colorful thin 
leather garments clinging close to them, and all dripping wet, cross, 
and trollerized.

The first question of course was, how to get un-trollerized again: they 
had a consultation about this, and after a few minutes it seemed quite 
natural to Blackhawk to find himself talking familiarly with them, as if 
he had known them all his life. Indeed, he had quite a long argument 
with the Lori, who at last turned sulky, and would only say, `I am more 
conservative than you, and must know better'; and this Blackhawk would 
not allow without knowing how old it was, and, as the Lori positively 
refused to tell its age, there was no more to be said.

At last the Doctor, who seemed to be a person of little authority among 
them, called out, `Sit down, all of you, and listen to me! I'll make you 
un-trollerized soon enough!' They all sat down at once, in a large ring, 
with the psychiatrist in the middle. Blackhawk kept his eyes anxiously 
fixed on him, for he felt sure he would miss a boring thread if he did 
not get un-trollerized very soon.

`Ahem!' said the Doctor with an important air, `are you all ready? This 
is the most boring thing I know. Silence all round, if you please! Bear 
in mind that one of Paglia's Big Deals is that she thinks men and women 
think differently, value different things, and are motivated by 
different things. 

Note that I said "different", not "worse" or "better".'

`Ugh!' said the Tara, with a shiver.

`I beg your pardon!' said the Doctor, frowning, but very politely: `Did 
you speak?'

`Not I!' said the Tara hastily.

`I thought you did,' said the Doctor. `--I proceed. "I think a lot of 
people misinterpret that belief and see it as some sort of hierarchical 
evaluation.  In Paglia's case, I don't think that's what she's doing.  
She's merely attempting to point out some of the differences."'

A small bird, a Recook, flew down and said `I've never read "Sexual 
Personae," nor do I care to.'

`Well,' the Doctor continued, `it is rather a daunting book.  Trying to 
interpret the entire history of Western Art through a new paradigm makes 
for challenging reading, and God knows I found it *long*.'

`Found what long?' said the Podkayne cleaning her rifle.

`Found it,' the Doctor replied rather crossly: `of course you know what 
"it" means.'

`I know what "it" means well enough, when I find such a thing,' said the 
Podkayne: `"it's" generally an intern with a big dummy [1]. The question 
is, Did you know Bloom was her advisor at Yale?'

The Doctor pretended not to notice this question, but hurriedly went on, 
`"--That Bloom (a world-renowned scholar and winner of many awards) was 
her advisor merely speaks to how well he knows Paglia and what she's 
capable of.  That he has declared quite publicly that a woman of her 
intellect, erudition, and insight deserves to be among the vanguard of 
the American academy cannot simply be dismissed casually. -- How are you 
getting on now, my dear?' it continued, turning to Blackhawk as it spoke.

`As trollerized as ever,' said Blackhawk in a melancholy tone: `it 
doesn't seem to challenge me at all.'

`In that case,' said the BasiL solemnly, rising to her feet, `I move 
that the meeting adjourn, for the immediate adoption of more energetic 

`Speak English!' said the Lori. `I don't know the meaning of half those 
long words, and, what's more, I don't believe you do either!' And the 
Lori bent down its nipple to hide a smile: some of the other Teats 
tittered audibly.

`What I was going to say,' said the BasiL in an offended tone, `was, 
that the best thing to get us un-trollerized would be to draft everyone 
into the Kamikaze Peep Squad and have a KPS-race.'

`What is a KPS-race?' said Blackhawk; not that he wanted much to know, 
but the BasiL had paused as if it thought that somebody ought to speak, 
and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.

`Why,' said the BasiL, `the best way to explain it is to do it.' (And, 
as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will 
tell you how the BasiL managed it.)

First it marked out a race-course of logic, in a sort of mobius strip, 
(`the exact shape doesn't matter,' she said,) and then all the KPS 
members were placed along the course, here and there. There was no `One, 
two, three, and away,' but they began posting when they liked, and left 
off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the troll was 
over. However, when they had been "peeping" for 2000 lines or so, and 
were quite normal again, the BasiL suddenly called out `The troll is 
over!' and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, `But who has 
won? WW? WW?'

This question the BasiL could not answer without a great deal of 
thought, and it sat for a long time with one finger pressed upon its 
philtrim (the position in which you usually see Booger, in the "Revenge 
of the Nerds" pictures), while the rest waited in silence.

Suddenly, the Mortismouse (who wasn't even in this chapter), yelled 
"YHBT! IW! IW!" but was quickly dragged offstage by Captain Hatter who 
told him he had lost and took him back to Chapter 7 where they belonged.

At last the BasiL said, `Everybody has won, and all must have prizes.'

`But who is to give the prizes?' quite a chorus of voices asked.

`Why, he, of course,' said the BasiL, pointing to Blackhawk with that 
same finger; and the whole party at once crowded round him, calling out 
in a confused way, `Prizes! Prizes!'

Blackhawk had no idea what to do, and in despair he put his hand in his 
pocket, and pulled out a double box of marshmallow peeps, (luckily the 
salty language had not got into it), and handed them round as prizes. 
There was exactly one a-piece all round.

`But he must have a prize himself, you know,' said the Tara.

`Of course,' the BasiL replied very gravely. `What else have you got in 
your pocket?' she went on, turning to Blackhawk.

`Only a footnote,' said Blackhawk sadly.

`Hand it over here,' said the Thuggess.

Then they all crowded round her once more, while the BasiL solemnly 
presented the footnote, saying `We beg your acceptance of this elegant 
footnote'; and, when it had finished this short speech, they all cheered.

[Image]  BasiL presenting footnote

              `We beg your acceptance of this elegant footnote!'
__                    ,,.,  /   
_/_                 .&%%%%%.         /.'
(.                  $' '%%%&._.-.  /_/
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\ '---|//   \|_\ /\  / \* (_________/  /
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|____)                    (______)  mrf/BH

Blackhawk thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so 
grave that he did not dare to laugh; and, as he could not think of 
anything to say, he simply bowed, and took the footnote, looking as 
solemn as he could.

The next thing was to eat the Peeps: this caused some noise and 
confusion, as the large Teats complained that they could not taste 
theirs, and the small ones choked and had to be patted on the nipple. 
However, it was over at last, and they sat down again in a ring, and 
begged the Doctor to tell them something more.

`You promised to tell me your history, you know,' said Blackhawk, `and 
why it is you hate--M and L,' he added in a whisper, half afraid that it 
would be offended again.

`Mine is a long and a sad tale!' said the Doctor, turning to Blackhawk, 
and sighing.

`It is a long tail, certainly,' said Blackhawk, looking down with wonder 
at the cool ASCII of the Doctor's tale below; `but why do you call it 
sad?' And he kept on puzzling about it while the Doctor was speaking, so 
that his idea of the tale was something like this:--

                    `J. said to a
                   meme, That he
                 met by the
            "Let us
              get to the
                couch: I will
                    YOU.  --Come,
                       I'll take no
                        denial; it's
                     time for your
                 trial:  For
              really this
           morning I've
         to do."

           Said the
             meme to the
               cur, "Such
                   dear Sir,
                     no degree
                  or meds,
                would be
               "This pill
                 will make
                    your day,"
                      Dr. J.:
                      expose the
                           your ego

`You are not attending!' said the Doctor to Blackhawk severely. `What 
are you thinking of?'

[Image]  Doctor telling story to the Teats, Thuggesses and Blackhawk

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                                     ( Ahhh, now it's working... )
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       _\|  / | / .-' | / '. \ |___/|    ^                 ""||  |
     _/  | /  \| (    ( \   '.\ ||| |    o                   ||  |
    ( ).'/ |   |  )   |  |   | \||| )                        ((  |
    /.' (_ /   | / )   \'|   |._)|| |                        ||  |
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        |(     \  )   mrf)\    )_\|_|_          |           _||  |
       (__'-.   )/    ..'__)   '._'.__) Teats---'          ((____| BH

`I beg your pardon,' said Blackhawk very humbly: `you had got to the 
fifth med, I think?'

`I had not!' cried the Doctor, sharply and very angrily.

`A knot!' said Blackhawk, always ready to make himself useful, and 
looking anxiously about him. `Oh, do let me help to make a Gordian of 

`I shall do nothing of the sort,' said the Doctor, getting up and 
walking away. `You insult me by talking such nonsense!'

`I didn't mean it!' pleaded poor Blackhawk. `But you're so easily 
offended, you know!'

The Doctor only growled in reply.

`Please come back and finish your story, what about the liberals??!' 
Blackhawk called after it; and the others all joined in chorus, `Yes, 
please tell us!' but the Doctor only shook its head impatiently, and 
walked a little quicker.

`What a pity it wouldn't stay!' sighed the Lori, as soon as it was quite 
out of sight; and an old Krab took the opportunity of saying to her 
daughter `Ah, my dear! Let this be a lesson to you never to lose your 
temper!' `Hold your tongue, Ma!' said the young Krab, a little 
snappishly. `You're enough to try the patience of a bumblemuffin!'

`I wish I had our Heck here, I know I do!' said Blackhawk aloud, 
addressing nobody in particular. `He'd soon fetch him back!'

`And who the heck is Heck, if I might venture to ask the question?' said 
the Tara.

Blackhawk replied eagerly, for he was always ready to talk about his 
pet: `Heck's our meme. And he's such a capital one for catching 
psychiatrists you can't think! And oh, I wish you could see him after 
the Thuggesses! Why, he'll eat a little Teat as soon as suckle it!'

This speech caused a remarkable sensation among the party. Some of the 
Teats hurried off at once: one old Thuggess began wrapping herself up 
very carefully, remarking, `I really must be getting home; the night-air 
doesn't suit my throat!' and a Teat called out in a trembling voice to 
its children, `Come away, my dears! It's high time you were all in bed!' 
On various pretexts they all moved off, and Blackhawk was soon left 

`I wish I hadn't mentioned Heck!' he said to himself in a melancholy 
tone. `Nobody seems to like him, down here, and I'm sure he's the best 
meme in the whole story! Oh, my dear Heck! I wonder if I shall ever see 
you any more!' And here poor Blackhawk began to troll again, for he felt 
very lonely and low-spirited. In a little while, however, he again heard 
a little pattering of footsteps in the distance, and he looked up 
eagerly, half hoping that the Doctor had changed his mind, and was 
coming back to finish his story.

Next chapter: The Peep Sends in a Little Antifrance


Author's Notes for this chapter

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