Advice from the Redneck with a Caterpillar(tm)
From: "Plain, Simple, Blackhawk." <> Newsgroups: Message-ID: <> Previous chapter: The Peep Sends in a Little Antifrance CHAPTER V Advice from the Redneck with a Caterpillar(tm) The Redneck with the Caterpillar(tm) and Blackhawk looked at each other for some time in silence: at last the WuhWuhS took the Budweiser out of its mouth, and addressed him in a languid, sleepy voice. `Hoothu' L R U?' said the WuhWuhS. This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Blackhawk replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, sir, just at present-- at least I know who I was when I wrote Chapter 7, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.' `Whadyameenb'that?' said the Redneck sternly. `Splainyurself!' `I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Blackhawk, `because I'm not myself, you see.' `Idun't C, nodsincethelection, nowadimean?' said the WuhWuhS. `I'm afraid I can't put it more clearly,' Blackhawk replied very politely, `for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different people in a day is very confusing.' `Noitain't,' said the WuhWuhS. `Well, perhaps you haven't found it so yet,' said Blackhawk; `but when you have to turn into a psychiatrist--you will some day, you know--and then after that into a liberal, I should think you'll feel it a little queer, won't you?' `Nodabit,' said the Redneck with the Caterpillar(tm). `Well, perhaps your feelings may be different,' said Blackhawk; `all I know is, it would feel very queer to me.' `U!' said the WuhWuhS contemptuously. `Hoothu' L R U?' Which brought them back again to the beginning of the conversation. Blackhawk felt a little irritated at the Redneck making such very short remarks (and imitating the Disney version of the caterpillar instead of Carroll's), and he drew himself up and said, very gravely, `I think, you ought to tell me who you are, first.' `Y?' said the Redneck with the Caterpillar(tm). Here was another puzzling question; and as Blackhawk could not think of any good reason, and as the WuhWuhS seemed to be in a very unpleasant state of mind, he turned away. `Cumback!' the WuhWuhS called after him. `Igotsumptintasay!' This sounded promising, certainly: Blackhawk turned and came back again. `YHBT, IW!' said the Redneck with the Caterpillar(tm). `Is that all?' said Blackhawk, swallowing down his anger as well as he could. / ) / / / / / / / / / / / / | ( | | C\(--(]] |_| \ / C | / ___| jjs/ | `No,' said the WuhWuhS. Blackhawk thought he might as well wait, as he had nothing else to do, and perhaps after all it might tell him something worth hearing. For some minutes it sucked bandwidth away without speaking, but at last it unfolded its arms, took the Budweiser out of its mouth again, and said, `Soyathinkyuvchanged, doya?' `I'm afraid I have, sir,' said Blackhawk; `I can't remember things as I used--and I don't keep the same size for two chapters together!' `Cantrember whathings?' said the WuhWuhS. `Well, I've tried to say "How Doth the Little Russell Bee," but it all came different!' Blackhawk replied in a very melancholy voice. `Repeat, "You are bold, Brother Tyler,"' said the Redneck with the Caterpillar(tm). Blackhawk folded his hands, and began:-- `You are bold, Brother Tyler,' the young poster said, `And your politics has become very white; And yet you stand your logic upon it's head-- Do you think, at your age, it is right?' `In my youth,' Brother Tyler replied to the won, `I feared it might injure the sane; But, now that I'm perfectly sure there are none, Why, I'd do it again and again.' [Image] Brother Tyler standing logic on it's head %%% %% (. (/_ | | | %3 ^ /| | | | %% (_/)_/ | | | | /%% ___/ < | | | /` _ | __ | | | / / _`DER /\/ \ | | | \ Y / ))\ / / \ | | | /_____/ /\ \ |_______| \_| /` \\ | | | _,___/ \\__ | | \ / |___\ | | \ | | | \ | ______| V |______ | / | _____ _____ | | \__ | ( | / \ | ( | / __) | | \_/ \_/ | | __ | | | 0 | |-| / |-| /| ^ |\ |-| Most Highly |-| / (. .) \ 333 BH Illogical 333 *** `You are bold,' said the youth, `as I mentioned before, And have grown atheistically fat; Yet you turned Nadar Green, so like a whore-- Pray, what is the reason of that?' `In my youth,' said the lad, as he shook his dreadlocks, `I kept all my faculties supple By the use of this ganga--one hundred a box-- Allow me to sell you a couple?' [Image] Brother Tyler as a whore _(,__ __), (_,d888888888b,d888888888b d888888888888/888888888888b_) Psychiatrists or Liberals, (_8888888P'""'`Y8Y`'""'"Y88888b / They're all the same! Y8888P.-' ` '-.Y8888b_) ,_Y88P (_(_( )_)_) d88Y_, Y88b, (o ) (o ) d8888P `Y888 '-' '-' `88Y` ,d/O\ c /O\b, \_/'.,______w______,.'\_/ .-` `-. / , d88b d88b_ \ / / 88888bd88888`\ \ / / \ Y88888888Y \ \ \ \ \ 888GO888 / / `\ `. \d8NADER8b, /\\/ `.//.d8888888888b; | |/d888888888888b/ d8888888888888888b ,_d88p""q88888p""q888b, `""'`\ "`| /`'""` `. |===/ > | | / | | | | | | Y / ( \ / / ( ) ( jgs | /| / _ )____) (BH) / / / | /__\_____\ /=/ |=/ | |Gimme| `"` `"` |_ |GANGA| `You are bold,' said the youth, `and your positions too weak For anything tougher than Arthur; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak-- Pray how did you manage his anger?' `In my youth,' said his friend, `I looked at my flaws, And argued each case with my wife; And the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaws, Has lasted the rest of my life.' [Image] Brother Tyler having eaten the goose . . ` > < . > < ' ' ' . . *BURP* > < , > < \ . ' ' . . __.%%%_ > < . .% % L %%--._ ' > < `/ c '` % \ `. ' % % % % % % `. ` , | % % % % \ /`% % %| % % \ . ' / -.\ \ ^ ;% _ \ > < : \%.%/ \| `.| ; ' | :'' N%DER ; | | |`. _/_ ; [bug]\BH : : `-._____/ `. / \ | :/ , V\ /"\ __.--; _ : `./ / ; ; : |\_/ | \L _..--. `.L.' |`. __ | | ;`. ; _ \\' `. /`+'.'`. | | | | \CT_; `-. ' / / | |-_| | .-'`.___. `-. / / ; : ; :.-' `-./ /. / \/_/ ___ .----. \/ `./ " /| ``--'" ' | \ `._.' / ' | \ /_ | ROCKY _'_\ | HORROR | `You are bold,' said the youth, `one would hardly suppose That your act was as shaky as ever; Yet you balanced a Christian on the end of your nose-- What made you so awfully clever?' `I have answered three questions, and that is enough,' Said his pal; `don't give yourself airs! Do you think I just listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you know where!' [Image] Brother Tyler balancing Christians on his nose | x/ || | _||__ X/ / || /|-I was sure it was a terrorist attack Martha, || / //| I'm sorry. || / ///| \ / |||____nnnnnnn///| | /|| /XXXXXXX///| /|\ Aieeeeeeeee! / //XXXXXXX///| o _/ / ///XXXXXXX///| nnnnnn////XXXXXXX///| XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| + XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| | XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| \o/ XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| | XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| / \ XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| \ / XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| | XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| /|\ What's the XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| o /twin towers doing here? XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///| 3 %o^o% 3 XXXXXX////XXXXXXX///|||___%( ~ )%___|| XXXXXX////XXXXXXX////|_____ \_/ _____| Leftover from chapter 4! XXXXXX////XXXXXXX/// | | / XXXXXX////XXXXXXX// |NADER| O XXXXXX////XXXXXXX/ | | /|\ | |\ / \ BH Oh, OK `Thaznotright,' said the Redneck with the Caterpillar(tm). `Not quite right, I'm afraid,' said Blackhawk, timidly; `some of the words have got altered.' `Wrongfrumbeginningtuend,' said the WuhWuhS decidedly, and there was silence for some minutes. The WuhWuhS was the first to speak. `Whasizedoyawannabe?' it asked. `Oh, I'm not particular as to size,' Blackhawk hastily replied; `only one doesn't like changing so often, you know.' `Idunno,' said the WuhWuhS. Blackhawk said nothing: he had never been so much contradicted in his life before, and he felt that he was losing his temper. `Yahappynow?' said the WuhWuhS. `Well, I should like to be a little larger, sir, if you wouldn't mind,' said Blackhawk: `6 lines is such a wretched length to be.' `Thastoobad!' said the Redneck with the Caterpillar(tm) angrily, whipping out his brief explanation of the Taliban as he spoke (it was exactly four hundred and thirty two lines). `But I'm not used to it!' pleaded poor Blackhawk in a piteous tone (ignoring the length of this Chapter). And he thought of himself, `I wish the creatures wouldn't be so easily offended!' `Gitusedtwit,' said the WuhWuhS; and it put the Budweiser into its mouth and began sucking bandwidth again. This time Blackhawk waited patiently until it chose to speak again. In a minute or two (after a short 364 line post about the campaign in Afghanistan) the WuhWuhS took the Bud out of its mouth and yawned once or twice, and shook itself. Then drove down off the infinity symbol, and crawled away in the grass, merely remarking as it went, `Smadeouttapez man.' `What's made out of Pez?' thought Blackhawk to himself. `Infinity. Babesn'nachos, gottago,' said the WuhWuhS, just as if he had asked it aloud; and in another moment it was out of sight. Blackhawk remained looking thoughtfully at the infinity symbol for a minute, trying to make out which were the right and left loops of it; and as it was perfectly symmetrical, he found this a very difficult question. However, at last he stretched his arms round it as far as they would go, and yanked Pez dispensers off of the edges with each hand. Each one looked like Tweety Bird. `And now which is which?' he said to himself, and popped a Pez from the right-loop to try the effect: the next moment he felt a violent blow underneath his chin: it had struck his foot! he was a good deal frightened by this very sudden change, but he felt that there was no time to be lost, as he was shrinking rapidly; so he set to work at once to eat some of the other bit. His chin was pressed so closely against his foot, that there was hardly room to open his mouth; but he did it at last, and managed to swallow a Pez from the left-loop. _____________ _____________ `-._ ..::| `-._ ..::| . `. ..::| `. ..::| /| | ..::| | ..::| /.| | ..::| _____ | ..::| / :| .--------.| ..::|.-' ..::-.--. .------| ..::| / .:| | /\ .::. ..:.' ..::`. ' | ..::| / .::| /\ |/ \ .::\../ ..::\ | ..::| / ..::|/ \ .---' '---..::bd _ ..::b.._ | ..::|/ ..---' '---. `-. .-' .::PI .:(_) ..::m ) | ..::`-. .-' / \ ..:/.q ..::w / .| .:' / \ /_.-``-._\..:' ..\ ..::/ / .:| ''---/_.-``-._\ ' | ..:.` | ..:`. ..::,' / .::| ..:. ` | ..:| | ..::|`-.__..::-':| / .::' | ..:::|`. ..:\ | ..:J ,' ..:::. ,' ..::/ ..:' ,' ..::::. ) .::b | ..:/ /____..::::\ /____...:/ .:' /____..:::::/ ..::P |.:,' /.:' / ..:::' |,' /.' / ..:-' ' ' /,-' ' BW `Come, my heads free at last!' said Blackhawk in a tone of delight, which changed into alarm in another moment, when he found that his dingaling was nowhere to be found: all he could see, when he looked down, was an immense length of neck, which seemed to rise like an asparagus out of a sea of green posts that lay far below him. `What can all that green stuff be?' said Blackhawk. `And where has my dingaling got to? And oh, my poor hands, how is it I can't see you?' he was moving them about as he spoke, but no result seemed to follow, except a little shaking among the distant green posts. As there seemed to be no chance of getting his hands up to his head, he tried to get his head down to them, and was delighted to find that his neck would bend about easily in any direction, like a fish hook. He had just succeeded in curving it down into a graceful loop, and was going to dive in among the posts, which he found to be nothing but questions from usenet newbies under which he had been wandering, when a sharp hiss made him draw back in a hurry: a large Denebeim had flown into his face, and was beating him violently with its moderation software. `Troll!' screamed the Denebeim. `I'm not a Troll!' said Blackhawk indignantly. `Let me alone!' `Troll, I say again!' repeated the Denebeim, but in a more subdued tone, and added with a kind of sob, `I've tried every way, and nothing seems to suit them!' `I haven't the least idea what you're talking about,' said Blackhawk. `I've tried "generally agreed rules of conduct", and I've tried moderated groups, and I've tried mailists,' the Denebeim went on, without attending to him; `but those trolls! There's no pleasing them!' Blackhawk was more and more puzzled, but he thought there was no use in saying anything more till the Denebeim had finished. `As if it wasn't trouble enough pleasing JMS,' said the Denebeim; `but I must be on the look-out for trolls night and day! Why, I haven't had a wink of sleep these last three years!' `I'm very sorry you've been annoyed,' said Blackhawk, who was beginning to see its meaning. `And just as I'd taken the highest point in the heirarchy,' continued the Denebeim, raising its voice to a shriek, `and just as I was thinking I should be free of them at last, they must needs come wriggling down from the sky! Ugh, Troll!' `But I'm not a troll, I tell you!' said Blackhawk. `I'm a--I'm a--' `Well! what are you?' said the Denebeim. `I can see you're trying to invent something!' `I--I'm a fucking epitome of whimsy,' said Blackhawk, rather doubtfully, as he remembered the number of changes he had gone through that day. `A likely story indeed!' said the Denebeim in a tone of the deepest contempt. `I've seen a good many fucking epitomes of whimsy in my time, but never one with such a fish hook as that! No, no! You're a troll; and there's no use denying it. I suppose you'll be telling me next that you've never posted a troll!' `I have posted trolls, certainly,' said Blackhawk, who was a very truthful child; `but fucking epitomes of whimsy post trolls quite as much as trolls do, you know.' `I don't believe it,' said the Denebeim; `but if they do, why then they're a kind of troll, that's all I can say.' This was such a new idea to Blackhawk, that he was quite silent for a minute or two, which gave the Denebeim the opportunity of adding, `You're looking for newbies, I know that well enough; and what does it matter to me whether you're a fucking epitome of whimsy or a troll?' `It matters a good deal to me,' said Blackhawk hastily; `but I'm not looking for newbies, as it happens; and if I was, I shouldn't want yours: I don't like them raw.' `Well, be off, then!' said the Denebeim in a sulky tone, as it settled down again into its server. Blackhawk crouched down among the posts as well as he could, for his neck kept getting entangled among the FAQ's, and every now and then he had to stop and untwist it. After a while he remembered that he still held the Pez dispensers from the infinity symbol in his hands, and he set to work very carefully, nibbling first from one and then from the other, and growing sometimes taller and sometimes shorter, until he had succeeded in bringing himself down to his usual height. It was so long since he had been anything near the right size, that it felt quite strange at first; but he got used to it in a few minutes, and began talking to himself, as usual. `Come, there's half my plan done now! How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another! However, I've got back to my right size: the next thing is, to get into that beautiful newsgroup--how is that to be done, I wonder?' As he said this, he came suddenly upon an open place, with a little ferret habitrail in it about four feet high. `Whoever lives there,' thought Blackhawk, `it'll never do to come upon them this size: why, I should frighten them out of their wits!' So he began nibbling at the right hand Pez again, and did not venture to go near the habitrail till he had brought himself down to nine inches high. Next chapter: Pig and Peeper


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