Subject:      "Captain Infinity Must Die!": A Play in 1 1/2 acts  
From:         Blackhawk <>
Message-ID:   <>


[Curtains open to a Science Fiction convention. There is a large stage on
one end and "Fans" (dressed as various Star Trek, Sci-fi and Superhero
characters) standing and seated all around. A "gopher" with a security
badge dressed like a minbari stands guard by a floor mic. in the center of
the group. Out cast will emerge from this group to the microphone except
INFINITY and STAN LEE who will enter from the side of the stage. We open
to the "Fans" yelling and slobbering all over each other in an effort to
get to the stage.]

FANS: Infinity! Infinity! Infinity! Infinity!

[STAN LEE enters waving for "quiet".]

STAN LEE: OK true believers! The moment you have been waiting for has
arrived! If you see only one speaker this year, it has to be this one! The
man who even jazzy John and Stan the man take their hats off too, a real
superhero who needs no introduction...Caaaaptaaain Infinityyyyyy!

["Spoiler Spaceship" cruises in. INFINITY lands and double parks in a
parallel universe. Infinity is wearing the "Blue Costume" from the 1950's
with the day-glo blue logo and the "mento" helmet with the bilious grellow

FANS: (Cheer wildly)

INFINITY: Howdy Folks!

FANS: (Cheer wildly)

INFINITY: We're going to start off by taking questions from the audience,
will the first one step up to the microphone.

[1st Speaker steps to microphone wearing "Spock" ears]

DALE CARNEGIE: Where's my free lunch!

INFINITY: I'm sorry, I can't hear you, you see I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!!!!

FANS: (laugh)


[Next speaker approaches wearing a giant Peep costume]

(sorry, it was the best part my agent could get) 

BLACKHAWK: How can you hate the haters? I mean, isn't using their tactic
just a bit too..(question is interrupted as the lights dim over the crowd
& stage and we spotlight on...)

[MAC & BO, 2 janitors, are highlighted in the center of the crowd, moving
up the line to the microphone]

MAC: I don't get it? Why do people listen to this crap Bo?

BO: (sweeps waste from a guy going past dressed as Animal 57 while he
talks) I don't know, maybe makes them feel righteous or something. They
should just killfile this creep and be done with him.

MAC: Heh, or just leave off the "file".

BO: Mac!

MAC: Hey, it's like Captain Lochely says, "If you can't join 'em, beat 'em."

[Spotlight changes back to the crowd, everyone is falling down laughing,
BLACKHAWK wipes custard pie from his face and blends back into crowd next
to KIBO and JMS]


[Next speaker approaches wearing a giant kettle costume]


INFINITY: Here's a little Lewis Carroll piece that should answer this for
you. "Tweedledee and Tweedledum..."(quote fades to background as the
lights dim over the crowd & stage and we spotlight on...)

[MAC & BO are highlighted in the center of the crowd, behind "MICK" in the
line to the microphone]

MAC: HaHaHaHaHaHaHa, that answer to Blackhawk was funny. I just knew there
was riotous humor here. I just didn't know it was this intense. God I love
a good laugh.

BO: So what are you going to ask him?

MAC: You'll see, I think Blackhawk had a point. If Captain Infinity was
really sorry, he would have been careful what he said in the first place.

BO: I don't know Mac. It is to be hoped Captain Infinity can find more
efficacious queries.

MAC: Sheesh, Why can'tcha you just say "Hopefully we'll get some decent

BO: Because "hopefully" is not an adverb. Shhhh!

[Spotlight changes back to the crowd, everyone is giggling but obviously
INFINITY wasn't as funny this time, several people scratch their heads,
butts, etc. MICK JAGGER wipes the "queen of hearts tarts" from his lips
and blends back into crowd near CEREBUS and TYCHO MAGNETIC ANOMALY ONE -
MACK & BO come to the microphone]


MAC: Captain Infinity, you are a sick, twisted, hurtful son-of-a-bitch! You've
just stated the comic equivalent of hitting somebody squarely in the face
with a fist.

INFINITY: (GROWING ANGRY) You newbie wannabe.  You're just a circling
vulture.  You see a mass of carnivores tearing at a living corpse, and you
wait for flecks of flesh to fly your way.  You get some sort of tangential
thrill from being one of the crowd.  You've never shown any evidence that
you have any sort of
independent thought in your mind, you just catch a coattail as it passes by
and go for a ride.

MAC & BO (together on WWS's coatail): Huh?!?

FANS: Huh?!?

NEWBIE: kewl!

Climbing the bandwagon of the crass, the vulgar, the prejudiced, the
angry, the mean-spirited, and the spiteful.  So what if my target isn't
Cronan?  I'm saying the same thing you all are.  I want in, too.  Let's all
hate each other.  Let's all get in on the flamewars while they're rolling
along so well.  Let's all call each other names, and questions each other's
motivations.  Let's all insult each other's sexuality and intelligence.
Let's just drop any pretense that we have any rational minds at all, and
post directly from our limbic systems; let the inner animal passions take
over, and tear each other's throats out....(crowd noises come up)

[FANS begin to mutter to themselves, a chant passes theough the crowd]


CHARLES E. "RICK" TAYLOR, IV: Wait a minute guys! I know what's going on,
Cap is just doing an act aren't you?

INFINITY: Er, um, yeah that's it. I was doing the "Evil Robot Captain
Infinity" from "Cap and Blackhawk's bogus timewarp"!

FANS: Hooray!

BO: Captain Infinity, I apologize to you. I indeed did not get your
intended ironic meaning, and I was further distressed by how it seemed
to hurt Mac.

INFINITY: It's OK and besides, being civil and articulate means you never
have to say you enjoy Knight Rider 2000!

FANS: Hooray!

[MAC notes his location and thanks himself for the effort]

INFINITY: And now it's time...for the floor show.


[Stage opens to a recreation of the "floor show" from the "Rocky Horror
Picture Show", except the RKO emblem has been replaced by giant Infinity
symbol radiating lines of energy like lightening bolts. CRONAN enters in
drag ala "Frankenfurter", Thaxton, Holland and other famous trolls make up
the rest of the chorus line. Narrow spotlight on CRONAN as he begins]

Whatever happened to Il Porco's claims?
That delicate malice draped brain.
As they clung to his thighs,
how I started to cry,
cause I wanted to troll just the same!

Give yourself over to absolute hatred!
Swim the warm waters of sins of the net.
Erotic nightmares beyond the average meathead
and sensual daydreams to wake up the dead!

Can't you just see it, whoa, ho ,ho!

{CRONAN Dives into the pool while the others chant "don't ream it, pee in
it", as doors swing wide and INFINITY enters wearing the outfit "Klattu"
wore in "The Day the Earth Stood Still" - GORT is with him]

Cronan Thompson it's all over!
Your mission is a failure,
your post-style is too extreme!
I'm not wearing pants,
you now are my Prisoner!
we return to the beginning,
prepare the transport beam!

[INFINITY puts badge with penny-farthing bicycle and #6 on CRONAN's corset]

CRONAN: Nobody wants to have a good time anymore, even smiling makes my
face ache!

[GODZILLA's foot comes down and smashes the entire cast, backdrop lowers
to cover stage with the words "His foot is this long! Size matters!"
emblazoned on it.]


It's beyond me, help me mommy.


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